Running away

2 exams down, one more to go! Taking a breather.

I deactivated my rebtel account. That thing was bleeding me dry. It was so convenient too, but i'm not working anymore and i can't be using the little money i have to make calls when there is skype. Plus, i needed to stop calling whoever i was calling. Anyway, as you are about to cancel the account they let you know u can't use the same credit card that you currently have on there if you decide to come back.....i hesitated for a moment then i said good! I was using my main debit card. I have another checking account but that's just for my school loan money cos this dead zone that i'm currently in doesn't have BOA. I can't imagine signing up for rebtel with my "school" checking account, so that should help me curtail my excesses.

Been off facebook for a min now. Went back a couple of times to send some messages to a particular human being. Out of my million million friends only 3 have checked up on me. I have no desire to go back there. I might even remove skype from my computer. I'm running away from a lot of things and my anti-social nature is at an all time high.

Anyway, break over. Back to the books.

Walking away

I have to start trusting that God will TAKE CARE of me. If i did that i know that i wouldn't worry so much about everything because i know he got me.

I know that no matter how much i mess up, how badly i act, God will always give me a second chance.

I pray for healing.
I pray for strength.

I'm done crying over this.

I'm walking away.

Today

THE END.

I want to take little parts of myself that i am dissatisfied with and work on them. Let's start with the cussing. I remember a time when not a single swear word was part of my vocabulary, neither spoken nor thoughts. Now, i'm the queen of cussing. Some things don't even sound right to me if they don't have a swear word attached to them. I remember when i first got here (america) and my older sister would cuss and say "that shit blah blah blah" it sounded so cool..... i wanted to be able to talk like that.

Then came the Jamaican dude i dated for 6 months. Jamaican in origin, African American in orientation, this dude could not have a normal everyday conversation without cussing. "Shit" and " Fucking" were like "a" and "the". That's how slowly but surely, he rubbed off on me and i became this person who can't go a day without cussing. I no longer think it's cool or cute, worst of all, i have noticed that it fuels my anger. Sometimes, cussing can be like a stress reliever, like when u stub ur toe or something and u let out an expletive, it can help you calm down. Research has been done on it (i can't remember where i read it anymore). I just don't think it's lady like at this point in my life. I really want to ditch the habit.

After the events of the last couple of weeks and the aftermath, i think i seriously need to check myself before i wreck myself. Seriously. On the anger front, i have decided that since i don't know how to deal with anger, i am quitting it cold turkey. Much, much easier said than done, but whenever i get angry, i have decided to just not deal with the emotion at least not at that time. I will just walk away from it and come back much later when i would surely have calmed down.

Ms. Nitty Gritty was right about Nigerian movies being a great tool for dealing with anger. I laughed for the first time in a week yesterday when i was watching one. It was just so stupid, i had to laugh.

I'm taking deep breaths.
One day at a time
One day at a time.

P.S. Life doesn't always give second chances, so let's try to do it right the first time ....Sting
P.P.S Why do i always have to learn the hard way?
P.P.P.S. I am such a stubborn goat. Urgh!

April

I hated this month. I'm not sad to see it go. Let it go with all the wahala and heartache it brought me. Bah bye, dey go o. I made a huge move today. I'm trusting God to see me through because i know i can't do this by myself. April 2010, good riddance to bad rubbish.

I've always thot April was a weird month anyway. My apologies to all the April babies. You all should have been born in October. I'm just saying.

Flatline

• Break down to build up.
• I pray for strength. Strength to do what i know is right.
• Sometimes, the hard way is the only way. I've been looking for the easy way out. Hoping i wouldn't have to go through this pain.
• I fell in love with a mirage
• I ask for grace. Grace to accept that i was wrong and i made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. 
• I need to stop focusing on what's right in front of me, and start looking ahead

Wallowing

• This is the worst time of my life
• It's not fair
• Why did this happen to me?
• I still don't see what lesson i am supposed to be learning
• I never thot i would be that person
• It sucks majorly

Oh GoD!

Excuse me while i go mourn my friend.

Samson, i can't believe u are gone. So no more random, out of the blue phone calls? Who's going to call me his baby without it having any sort of romantic connotation? I'm glad we got a chance to reconnect after 5 years and you saw your baby was all grown up. I'll miss you, Samson. I knew something bad was about to happen, but i never thought it would be YOU! Not you, WHY? I can't believe i'll never hear your voice again, chat with you or even get a chance to see you again. I'll really, really miss you, Samson. The world is a darker place without you in it. Rest in Peace.


Thanks everyone who left me a comment. I was really shocked at his passing and it made me really sad. I keep looking at his number on my phone and thinking "so i will never talk to him again?" I regret all the times i saw him online and didn't chat with him (i'm usually on invisible mode on yahoo messenger). I think of all the times he called me, and i never went out of my way to call him back. The only times we would talk would be when he would call me, and sadly that's the way i am with a lot of my friends. I regret that a lot.

I'm trying to change things and at least start to make an effort with my friends. I have been contemplating visiting Nigeria this yr b4 i start school and his death just helped me make that decision. I need to see my friends again. The friends who i grew up with, the people who love me and will never walk away from our friendship for no reason. People who i know have my back as much as i have theirs. I need to be around them and enjoy their presence and thank God for preserving all of us. True friends are really hard to find and being in this country and meeting all the people i've met and having all the experiences i've hard has proven that point, over and over and over again. I am thankful for the true friends that God has blessed me with and i cherish their friendship.

Go tell ur true friends how much you love them. it's important.

Switch

New year, new things. Although technically we are still a week from the new year. As a result, the content of this blog will be changing. Sort of. What do i mean by that? I'm not just going to talk about personal stuff or let's say very personal stuff.

I sort of stopped caring about remaining anonymous a while ago but it is still unsettling when people who know me have information they would otherwise not have if they were not reading my blog. I'm not sure how comfortable i am with that.

I started blogging Jan 23rd 2007 because i wanted to be able to freely talk about my feelings and things that were stressing me out that i wasn't comfortable talking about with the people in my life, I had just being unceremoniously dumped by an idiot, who funny enough called me last week to say he didn't like the way things ended between us. Well, i guess things are not going too well in babymamaville. Anyway, at that time i was hurting, and besides my friends who were there for me, i needed another outlet. On top of that i was dealing with a severe depression that was as a result of a brief abusive relationship. So i had a lot of things on my plate.

Blogging helped, but i was really adamant about remaining anonymous so i kept deleting blogs. This is my 4th blog. Now, i've said no more!! I will not delete another blog neither will i stop blogging. I am a long way from the person that i was last year. I went to therapy which helped my depression tremendously and i am happier than i have ever being. I have truly good friends who have stuck with me until now. My old friends are still the best friends that i have. My relationship with my family is wonderful. We keep having new blessings everyday. I am the happiest that i have been in the 6 yrs that i have been here. I know that i am blessed and i couldn't ask for more.

I'm not going to stop blogging, cos i love it too much and i love u guys too much. I wouldn't just want to walk away and not hear how u guys are doing. So i'm going to remain in blogville but i am no longer going to put it out there like i used to. I don't need to anymore. I'm thankful for all the support i've gotten from u guys. I know some of u really care even though u don't know me. What could be sweeter than that? To have a virtual support system. It's truly awesome and that's one of the blessings this year has brought me.

So, to all the wonderful people of blogville, Merry Christmas and i'll "see" you guys in 2009.

Hasta la vista, babes!

Paper Journal

I know i should be living my life for me, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

Parents find it difficult to start treating their grown kids like that are actually grown, in my case, i find it difficult to start relating with my mother like i'm grown. Why can't i be open about stuff. I'm too old for this. Why can't i be free and talk about stuff instead of sneaking around like a teenager.

I'm stressed beyond belief. I have the event of my life coming up next week.

I'm starting to get hooked on my Bartles and Jaymes Pina colada Wine cooler. I tried Boones Farm fuzzy navel and it was great. Would have finished the whole 750ml bottle at one sitting if i wasn't driving. When did i start drinking? I worked at a liquor store for almost 5 yrs. I only drank once a yr on my birthday. Now, the frequency of my wine cooler drinking has increased. Even though i've never been tipsy or drunk, i'm starting to crave a drink whenever i'm stressed. The alcohol must be having an unconscious physiological effect on me to make me crave it.

I'm not working this weekend. First free weekend since August. Halleluyah! I get to practice....

I've been having severe mood swings. I most certainly am PMSing, but then again i definitely remember being told in my psychology of women class that PMS is a socially constructed concept. I don't think my body/hormones got that message. Forgive me for being a bitch! I'll try to make sure that my body gets the memo next month.

I'm on a mission. The re-nigerianization of my fake Nigerian. First stop: Re-teach him some pidigin english. Note to self: Try not to slap him as he mocks me/giggles like a school girl as i speak it.

I'm tired of working; I hate my lab job, and i've become too physically tired to enjoy my hospital job. Who wants to get married to me, take out a life insurance policy and then conveniently die?! GASP!!! I can't believe i said that. Volunteers, line up on the right!

Why am i not eager/thinking of getting married? What happened to my desire to be someone's wife/mother? I thought they said i would grow into it. I must be a defective African woman.

I feel caught between too cultures. To a certain extent. I know i'm always going to do me. To hell with what people think. Still why do i have that nagging doubt at the back of my mind.

I'm sleepy yet don't want to go to sleep. I want to read that novel.

Why do i feel guilty/ashamed? I haven't done anything. I remember those days. I hated it! I never want to go back there. That's what progress is about. I am regressing. Too bad.

I took out my one and only wisdom tooth yesterday. It was huge. Who wants to see a picture?

................

I am so sad. It's almost 2pm and i have been crying since i got to work. I can't do this anymore. I freaking hate this job. I spent the last hour talking/crying to my mentor at the lab. I don't know what i would have done if i didn't have him to talk to. 2008 wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to lose all my friends and be virtually friendless. Most of the time the highlight of my day is when i read the comments you guys leave on this blog and at lot of them are so funny, i just can't help laughing regardless of how i've been feeling. I don't talk about it much but this blog/you guys mean a lot to me cos i don't know how i would have gone through this year without having this outlet. I probably would have been a depressed mess, albeit a cute one (Ha! just had to add that). See what you caused, now i've lost my train of thought.

I wasn't supposed to still be at this job by now taking all this mess. I was supposed to be in medical school................! I hate the people (some of them), the environment, everything! I have decided that this job is threatening the well being of my mental health. I do not want to end up as a patient in the mental hospital where i work. Therefore, i'm back on the job hunt. I need to find another full time job so i can leave this place without showing my ass. Oh! I have been so tempted to unleash my bitchiness to some of the people here. I am a naturally sarcastic person, and it's been really hard to keep it professional and be respectful to some of these people. I've had enough. I don't want to lose my temper cos when i do, i usually don't care where i am. I go don craze finish before i remember where i dey. Trust me, i speak from experience. So i want to leave b4 it gets to that level. I wish the psychiatric hospital job was a full time thing, i would have quit today!

This ungrateful idiot at the lab that thinks i'm her personal slave has just asked me to stain some slides today. After asking me if i'm busy, i told her i was going to do stuff in the breeding colony and she was like what next........ go home?! What the fuck kind of question is that? I just said, tell me what u want me to do and i will do it, because if i had replied her what was on my mind, i would have been telling u another story. Let me die if i stain those slides today. Tomorrow, maybe! If she needs help she needs to get an undergrad assigned to her. I'm sick of doing her shit without so much as a thank you. The other day, it was already 5.30pm, everyone had gone home, i was trying to pack the biohazard waste so i could take it to the designated place, this bitch proceeds to tell me on her way out that before i leave i should fill up the deionized water container. The container wasn't even empty. I was so pissed. Of course, i didn't fill it up. She dey craze.

Deep breath! Calm down............. I need to get through the rest of the day.

I don tire like Styl plus tire!

I don't know what's going on with me today. I'm on edge.... i feel like i'm about to hurt somebody at this damn job. I'm stressed, depressed, and overwhelmed. I've been chewing starbursts since i got here like it's crack or something. I hate this damn job more with each passing day. I'm talking about the lab job in case u r wondering. The hospital job is still alright but they called me yesterday and i didn't pick up. I didn't feel like going in at 11pm after i had already made myself comfortable under my comforter. I need the money but i couldn't! I feel since i put i was available to work Thursday nights, and they chose not to schedule me in advance, then don't call me when the person u put instead of me doesn't show up. Then again, they might have needed someone to do a 1:1 and God knows as stressed as i have been, i can't deal with no added stress in whatever form. I don't want to kill somebody.

I can't believe no one knows the meaning of melu melu. Did any of u grow up in naija for real, for real? You ought to be ashamed of urselves. As it is, I'm canceling the damn class. If u don't know the meaning of melu melu, where do u expect me to start teaching from. Besides after i have revealed God knows what about myself, i bet u guys would use it against me when i become the next Michelle and Barack Obama (yes, the two of them combined). So I'll keep my mouth shut. Thank you very much.

Anyway, I've got enough shit to deal with. I have been writing essays for my med applications like it's going out of fashion. Let's not talk about all the money i have been spending. If i don't get into at least one med school next yr, there will be war. I don tire. I'm writing basically the same essays with different twists. Some of them ask me to tell them of a time when i did this or that. The this or that, i have never done. So do they want me to lie? I haven't completed one application because of that, so I'm about to sit my ass down and think of a very good story to write. All because i want to become a doctor. Na wa! My friends in Nigeria did not have to go through this stress just to get into med school. Now they will come here, write the exam, pass it and go start their residency without all the gbese of a student loan to worry about. I should have stayed my ass in Nigeria to go to med school, abeg! This is getting too much.

Sigh

I am such a dork, you guys. I have been having a bad couple of days. Didn't bother going to work yesterday cos i wasn't feeling too well and the thought of being in that place just added to my depression. So i dragged my butt to work today and managed to get in b4 11.30am. I won't be surprised if i'm fired one of these days. My only excuse is that i'm a good worker, i just operate on african time. Anyway, so here i am at work moping, i go upstairs to get some packages and who do i see when i get on the elevator to go back to the lab............. My crush. He was looking as cute as ever and all my moodiness just went away. Besides the usual hi i would have expected, he starts trying to make conversation with me and was really being all friendly. That just made my day. Unfortunately, it was a VERY short ride and i had to get off b4 him. I'm just excited about it for some reason. He was totally checking me out too. I don't care what anyone says he might like me. I'm allowed to dream, right? So pls don't go bursting my bubble. I hope i see him again soon. Damn, he's cute!

.............

Current mood: Depressed/freaking stressed!

Added stress: I have no idea how to be close to my mother or even have a "normal" relationship with her. Makes me very sad(she has nothing to do with the previous post)

MCAT: Hmmm... that shit whooped my ass.
Chance at an American med. school 20-80. Caribbean Islands here i come (maybe!)

I feel deflated, apprehensive, no desire to do anything!
Keeping hope alive.

My dog is a heaven sent saint. He will therefore be known as St. Lenie. (just kidding).

Holla pple

I can't live like this anymore. I HATE my life!!

Sorry about this post. I'm going to be fine. I'm just OVERWHELMED, DISAPPOINTED, FRUSTRATED, CONFUSED, BORDERLINE DEPRESSED and TIRED. Nothing i haven't dealt with b4, so i know i'll be fine. This doesn't have to do with anybody and i really don't want to complain cos i'm aware other pple have bigger issues. It's just that my life is not going the way i PLANNED or would have liked. All the sacrifices i made doesn't seem to have made any difference (Not those kind of sacrifice abeg, i never see babalawo b4). I might as well have partied my way through life................. I really hate my life right now, but it's temporary. So nothing for u guys to worry about. I'm not about to off myself or anything like that.

I appreciate the concern. I only wrote that cos i was trying to keep my sanity.

I love me some Pidgin

I have noticed lately that whenever i write on this blog, 1/4 of it is in pidgin english. First of all, that's due to me assuming 95% of my readers are nigerians who understand pidgin english, secondly it really depends on my mood. On my previous 3 deleted blogs (RIP), i hardly ever wrote in pidgin. I'm not sure what happened, but i guess i no longer have to deal with being depressed and i'm a much happier and light hearted person. I doubt anyone who used to read my other blogs would believe it was the same person.

So i was chatting with my first "love" (ewwww... i can't believe i wrote that. I think i threw up a lttle in my mouth) today. We started dating when i was 15 and the relationship lasted for a little more than 2 yrs. That's my longest relationship to date. Anyway, we were chatting and he said something like he no longer speaks pidgin english (he never used to speak it back then anyway, so i don't know what he was yapping about). I asked him what was wrong with speaking Pidgin English, and he was like u know, after u speak it for a while, it starts affecting ur English. WHAT?!!!! Now i see y my friends thot he was a pretentious bastard.

Well, given the fact that i can't speak any other nigerian language fluently (....at all) thanks to my darling, wonderful parents, especially my mother who can speak 7 languages fluently...... i have fully embraced pidgin english as my own. I don't care that it is not recognized by most nigerians as an official language. Tell that to my left toe. If it wasn't a language, how come non-nigerians can't understand nigerian pidgin english (yes, i know other african countries have their own pidgin). I have been speaking pidgin English since i could talk. I think i learned pidgin b4 i even learned how to speak english cos that's what we speak with my mom. My dad hates that, but he doesn't count in this issue cos he was never around while we were growing up. I don't think it has affected my English at all. I happened to attend two snotty secondary schools and it was razz to speak pidgin. I mean, people didn't even attempt to speak it, so it wasn't an issue. I remember in SS3 when i said something to my friends in pidgin english in school, a lot of them were shocked that i could speak pidgin. That's the first time someone said to me "you don't look like someone who can speak pidgin". B4 then i didn't know that people who could speak pidgin had a certain look. I have heard that statement many more times since then but i have since stopped wondering how people who speak pidgin english look.

I had friends who as at SS3 (12th grade to u americanas) did not even understand pidgin English, talk less of speak it. One of the things i love about the nigerian university system/culture is that it is cool to speak pidgin. I don't care how boti (ajebutter, aso, assorted) u r, by the time u graduate from uni. u will not only understand pidgin, u will also speak it. I'm still shocked whenever i call one of my bestie's from sec sch and she speaks pidgin. This is someone that could not speak it at all when i left naija. I used to beg her to stop whenever she would attempt cos she sounded so bad. Now she's a fluent speaker of pidgin thanks to uni. I'm so proud of her. Another of my fellow jambite, you would never hear this dude utter a word in pidgin when we first got into school. By the time he was in final year, whenever i would call it would be hard for me to believe this was the same person. The dude was rapping pidgin.

I think the stigma people used to have (or still have) with pidgin is that it was a language for the illiterate or uneducated pple. You all know how hard we try to be westernized/american/janded back home. I remember back then when one of my classmates called my house and heard my mom speaking pidgin in the background, she asked me if that was the maid, as she could not imagine it being anyone else. Of course, i asked her if she was crazy..... i no dey play like that. Na my mama she dey call house help?! I think back then i was the only one of my friends whose family spoke pidgin. I was cool then, i'm still cool now. Thank u very much! Na them sabi. My brother's friends used to tease him about it, and it got to a point where the dude refused to speak pidgin anymore. Ok, no problem.... speak english, we do dey answer u for pidgin. OMG, i'm laughing so hard remembering this cos, something happened that made him give up that nonsense. So the dude had an appendectomy. After he was wheeled out of surgery, they wheeled him down the corridor past where i was, so i followed behind. All the while, my brother is moaning and groaning about the pain. He's not fully awake at this point oh, and to this day he cannot recall. Guess which language he was doing the moaning and groaning in? You guessed right..... PIDGIN. I want to die from laughing right now. I'm definitely going to remind him when he gets home tonight.

He was like "e dey pain......" The nurse would ask him back "e dey pain?" It was so funny, cos prior to that my brother had completely boycotted pidgin english for months. You can bet ur life that i told my other siblings and he didn't hear the last of it for a long long time. After that incident, the boy said fuck it, and went back to his roots. Oh lord. I love my brother, he's quite a character. I love speaking my pidgin english jooh! Nothing do me. These days whenever i hang out with my friends that's what we speak. The conversation just seems to flow better and it doesn't hurt that we can talk about whatever without pple understanding us. Trust me that was never the case when we were younger, but for some reason now that we are older, we tend to speak pidgin more. It's funny how friends i had in naija that i never spoke a word of pidgin to, now when we talk all we speak is pidgin. I wonder what happened.

I don't think it has affected my English at all both written or spoken, although i will admit that there was one time when i was arguing with my jamo ex about something i said, and he said it wasn't correct. I insisted that it was, only for me to get home and realize i had said it the way i would say it if i was speaking pidgin. Oh well. But, i give myself kudos for being the best in my Eng 1101 and 1102 classes. I took those classes less than a year of me being here. So this is concrete evidence that there's hope for my pidgin english lovers out there. It doesn't affect ur english, unless u were bad in english to begin with. Then pls i beg u, find something else to blame.

By the way, in case u guys were wondering why my mother who can speak 7 languages refused to teach her kids even one, let me tell u. You know how they say when two elephants fight, it's the grass that suffers, that's what happened. So my parents are from 2 different tribes. My two older sisters who are a decade older than the rest of us grew up speaking igbo. They even went to primary school in onitsha where back then (i don't know about now) kids were taught in igbo. My dad was not around for most of these years. Years later he comes back to naija and decrees that there should be no more igbo speaking in the house and insisted that my mom should teach his language to the kids. My mom can speak his language very fluently cos she went to live with his mother who can't speak english after they got married. So she had to learn the language in order to communicate. She picks up languages so easily, i'm jealous. Anyway, my mom got mad and in order to get back at my father (bad decision if u ask me) she decided that she would not speak her igbo or his Edo to her kids. If my dad wanted us to speak his language then he would have to teach us. Well, he wasn't around to teach us. Me and my younger siblings weren't even born when this happened, but that's how we ended up a naija languageless household. My older sisters eventually forgot how to speak igbo and we all ended up rolling in pidgin. My mom regrets it now though, but it's too late. She tried teaching us my dad's language when we were still in primary school, but it never took. Although, now i can understand a little bit, but someone could probably sell me in that language while i'm standing right there and i wouldn't know. As thing with igbo, i can understand a little bit.

Did i just sit here and type a whole post on pidgin english? Who said i don't have issues. For all those who were wondering, i took ur advice and i have been MR. STINGLESS for 3 days now. I feel so much better. More of that later and my naija toasters in Nigeria. I don't believe those guys. I no know wetin dey see for my body. They haven't seen me in six year oh! Somebody help me understand.

Loving my job

Today is not a happy day for me, but i'm sure i will be fine. On to better gist.

I LOVE my new job at the mental hospital. I swear, when my shift ended on Sunday afternoon, i didn't want to leave. I really wished i was going back on Monday, but i don't go back until Saturday. First of all let me say i escaped working in the hardcore unit all 3 days of my unit orientation. I was still in the schizophrenic/bipolar/depressed unit but they are not the violent ones. I have never worked so hard in all the almost 6yrs i've been working. I was on my feet for 8hrs straight and that has never happened. You have to check on the patients every 15mins and note where they are and what they are doing. Do u know how tedious that is?

You would think i would hate it, right? But i love it. I'm so mentally stimulated, unlike in any of my other jobs. It's like i'm using my brain the whole 8hrs i'm there coupled with the fact that i have to be alert. I don't want any unexpected punches abeg. God!!! If u see the evil eye this one dude was giving me eh?! I fear die. If i did not know he was sick, it would have been another story. Oh, let me tell u guys what happened on Saturday. I was behind the nursing station writing stuff, when i heard "poow!!" The same patient that punched the girl that trained me on Friday, had punched a Dr. that was walking out of the unit jejely. She was in the violent unit that i'm scared of. The doctor came out of the unit, face don red dey swell up. Oh boy, it wasn't funny oh. This lady had been hitting people all week and they told her the next time she did it she was going to jail. After she hit the Doctor, we had to go do a "take down". Na so we carry wear gloves, run go there, (i run follow them like say i for fit do anything) but she gave in without a fight and they put her in the lock down room, or whatever they call it. They called the police sha and she ended up getting automatically discharged and going to jail. They had tried to transfer her to another psychiatric hospital, but they refused to take her, so we had no choice cos she was getting really dangerous. She had been on 1:1 (meaning someone had to be with her every sec) all week. Still that didn't help.

Back to why i like the job, I'm not 100% sure how to explain it, but i just enjoy being there. I don't know if it's because it's a new experience and it's really interesting seeing some of the interesting characters they have or if it's because for the first time, i actually get a chance to help people just by talking and interacting with them. I can be very shy, but given the nature of the job i can't be cos i have to talk to these people. I haven't done a lot of talking but i have been observing how some of the other MHA's interact with the patients and it is so interesting to me. I feel so bad for some of them. Just looking at them, you will never know they are schizophrenic or bipolar.

The one that breaks my heart the most is this 19yr old boy. Fine boy! He reminds me of my brother. He was staring at me on Sunday, he almost had his hand slammed on the door cos the person in front of him didn't hold the door and he wasn't watching. So i told him to watch the door, and he chuckled cos he knew what i was talking about. 5mins later he's sitting in the day room, and i'm standing by the door and i turned around and find him staring at me again. He was just looking, so i said hello and he kept on looking without speaking. So i asked him if he was okay, and he put his head down b4 he said he was fine. What do u make of that? Should i be scared? I had a live pimple that day placed prominently on my forehead, maybe that's what he was looking at. I hope he's not there when i go back on Saturday cos that would mean he has gotten better enough to go home.

Initially i had thot that most of the patients were out of it (crazy) but most of them are not. They have been stabilized by their drugs, so they are "normal", meaning they are aware of everything that's going on, can carry out a regular conversation and stuff like that. I heard some of them are really in a bad shape when they first come in, but their meds help them feel better. So they are just regular people who have mental health issues. I really want to stop being so shy and start talking to them, hopefully i can do that this weekend.

My favorite character so far even though i haven't said a word to him is the gay dude. He's in the violent ward, but behaves himself most of the time unless he just wants attention. He can come over to my unit to take smoke breaks with them or go over to the cafeteria with people from my unit. Usually people from his unit cannot do that cos they are too unpredictable. They are the ones that talk to themselves and other people we can't see and that type of stuff. It's really sad to see. Anyway, back to gay dude. First of all, don't tell him he's not on a catwalk oh, cos he'll probably think u are crazy. He has his signature walk, which is how he walks everywhere especially when he sees you looking at him then he plays it up. He does the hair flip and all that. On Sunday, when i got to work he asked for his bag from the back, they gave him to him. The next thing i saw, he took out his perfume, and sprayed little puffs from the top of his arm (on his shirt) to the bottom, on both arms. Then he said, hmm... i sprayed a little too much didn't i? (You think). He talks in the stereotypical gay way of talking, so that's fun to watch. Then he brought out his nail polish, and proceeded to touch up his already polished nails. Then he was telling me, "don't let no body touch my stuff... nah ahhhnn, if they want to do their nails, they need to get their own stuff and i'll do it for them, but they can't be touching my stuff". Mind you, all their bags are stashed in a room behind the nursing station where no patient can get to it. Character!

There's just so many stories to tell, but the most important thing i know is that this experience is going to make me a better person in many ways. ALSO, me wey too like fine boys i need to be careful, all those fine boys wey dey waka for road no be all of them well oh! If u see some of the guys here, u would never think they had mental issues. There's this one dude i can't just stop looking at, not because he's so cute (he is good looking) but because i just can't believe he has mental issues. He is the stereotypical tall, dark and handsome dude, but with a little psychosis to go with it. I guess it comes in all packages. It's a really sad thing. I think i might end of being a psychiatric doctor if i don't find anything more interesting along the way.

Thanks for all ur prayers and positive thoughts. I really appreciate ur support. The exam went okay. I'm not sure whose ass was whooped at this point but it wasn't mine.

I'm having issues with blogging at the moment. I feel the same way i feel just b4 i usually delete my blog or facebook page. It's probably a phase. Will be back.

I just heard this morning that my cousin passed away yesterday. Another bad news to mess me up. I've always been aware of the philosophy that life's too short and i try (keyword try) to remember that whenever i start stressing too much, but the events of this week has made me all too aware that i have to quit sweating the small stuff. My mom's stress, work issues, MCAT issues, hair issues, weight issues, friends issues, i'm just done. I can't do this anymore. What's the point?

Light a Candle

"Dust to Dust"
"Ashes to Ashes"

If u guessed thats where i got my blog title from, u guessed right. I figured life is too short, we need to stop the madness and enjoy it as much as we can. Easy to say, hard to do, but try!

I have not made my peace with death. Until i'm comfortable with the knowledge that everyone dies and until i stop being scared of dying i have not made my peace with death. Death! It took me a long while to wrap my head around the concept of dying. I understood what it meant to die, but i couldn't understand why, how. It was too final for me to accept. Then i got to a point in my life when i really wanted to die. I would pray to sleep and not wake up. Maybe i was too chicken to kill myself, or maybe i didn't want to die bad enough but back then, i wasn't afraid of death. I wanted it. I was done with the struggles of this world. Things changed, my depression lifted and i wanted to be a part of the living and that's when i started to fear death and dying.

I think about when/how i'm going to die. Am i going to live to a ripe old age or am i going to die young. I guess only time will tell. I would rather not die in an accident or by a long illness that would rid me of my independence and pride b4 it kills me.

So i wake up to a missed call yesterday morning from someone who would never ever call me by that time. I sent him a text asking what's up, and he tells me he needs my help finding a ticket to my city cos his friend who leaves there is about to pass. Not wanting to believe what i was reading, i asked him if she was about to die and he said yes, she was in the ICU. I met his friend in January when she first moved to my state. She told me to get her number from my friend cos she didn't know anyone here, but he refused to give me her number saying that i didn't want her to be my friend cos she was always sick. I didn't push it, now i wish i did. She had sickle cell anemia. Around 3pm yesterday, he sent me another text telling me that she had passed away. She was 25.

Then today, i was shocked beyond belief to learn that one of my classmates in college had died less than a month ago from a car accident. I wasn't prepared for that news at all. Her tire had burst on her way back from work and she hit a pole. I can't still believe it. The last time i saw her was in july last year and she was studying for the MCAT. She asked me how i managed to do so well in verbal reasoning cos that was the only area she was having trouble with. She had already graduated by then and her exam was like a week away. I never saw her again. We weren't close friends or anything, but she was one of those pple i would always talk to whenever i see her a.k.a hi-hello friend. To say that i am unaffected by her death would be a lie. I'm shocked and i keep seeing her face in my mind. She was 21 yrs old. The news just messed up my whole day. She was Nigerian also.

Got me thinking of all the pple whom i know/knew that have passed away, like E. E. who was like a big brother to me and my siblings. He started teaching me how to drive when i was 15, he was the only one to ever call me princess and he was the first person to tell me to quit mean mugging cos i had a beautiful smile. I still can't believe he's gone or O. E., i still remember ur gentleness, and ur cream fluffy sweater that you didn't have to touch to know how soft it was. I was sad when i heard that u had sickle cell anemia, and was sadder to learn that you had passed away cos i had just sung ur praises 2 days b4 i found out, not knowing that was the day you were being buried.

I'm going to light a candle for all the people who touched my life in one way or the other and have passed on. May your souls rest in peace and may your memories live on in the hearts of those you loved and who loved you. To live in the hearts of those you love is not to die. Peace.

• O. E
• G. B.
• E. P. O.
• E. A.
• E. E.
• E. O.
• A. S
• R. A
• O. U
  

Just because i love you guys 2

I shared my newly discovered love for D'banj here, a few weeks ago.

My all time favorite show is Will and Grace and i was heartbroken when the show ended (I still am, thank God for reruns on life time). That's the only show i don't mind seeing each episode over and over again. It never gets old, it is funny as heck. I love Jack McFarland (Sean Hayes) as much as i would ever love any TV character. He is too freaking funny. Besides the fact that i think it is a crazy funny show, i love that show because it helped me get through what was a very difficult time in my life.

I had just come here from Nigeria and I felt uprooted and out of place. The initial plan was for us to come visit and then go back to Nigeria. I was already in a University back home, i had tons of friends and was in fact a regular ol' popular jingo. There was nothing about my life at that point that would make me want to leave it and come start over again in some foreign country. I never believed the hype about America and i was right. My mother was lucky that i wasn't aware that i would have to work and go to school at the same time. They would have had to drag me (sedated) on that plane. Which kind suffer be that?! Unfortunately, at that time the universities were always going on strike. I spent 2 yrs trying to complete freshman year because we would go to school for 3 months and then go on strike for 6 months. Right as i was about to start my second yr, we got the visa to come here and my mother decided at the very last minute that we would all stay here and go to school. I wasn't happy at all but i didn't have a choice. My father had told me to pick btw staying in Nigeria and getting into med school there or coming over here. Unlike America, u don't have to get a Bachelors b4 getting in med school. I was already set to transfer to med school, so of course i picked i wanted to stay back. My mother wasn't having any of that. Nonsense, i would have become a Doctor this year. Anyway, I didn't even get to say bye to a lot of my friends. For the first 2 yrs i was here, i hated every minute of it and that is not an exaggeration. From the freaking cold weather, to the food/fruit that never tasted right, to the incredibly nosy people, i hated it all. I wanted to go back to where my friends were.

For the first time in my life, i suddenly had an accent. WTF?!!! I say something and pple would go huh??!!! Like they can't open their mouth and say excuse me or something. I hated everything about this place. Everything was different. Sometimes i would get so irritated just hearing the american accent all around me. To make matters worse, i had to adjust to living with my stepmother. That wasn't fun. I went from never having lived with anyone besides my mother straight to a passive-aggressive petty stepmother. My mother was(is) so overprotective she never ever let us go spend a holiday or anything like that with relatives, so adjusting to living with my new family, half sisters included was a little bit of a challenge.

The ONLY thing that got me through those first two years was Will and Grace. I kid you not! Usually i went to school at 8am, and would stay in school as long as possible on the days i wasn't working cos i didn't want to go home cos i felt so uncomfortable in that house. All i looked forward to was the reruns of Will and Grace at 11pm everyday, and the new episodes they showed at 9pm on Tuesdays (it's been a while, but i can still remember). My dad was nice enough to get me a TV for my room and watching Will and Grace was the only time you would ever catch me laughing for those first two yrs. I slept at lot too. I found out later when i took a psychology of adjustment class that sleeping is a coping mechanism a lot of people use when they are depressed. I still do that till today, but never as much as back then. It was almost like if i was asleep then i wouldn't have to be a part of my messed up situation, so i slept my days away. I would sleep in class, in the library, on the days i didn't have to go school i would sleep until 3pm. It was almost like i didn't want to take part in being alive.

I don't know when or how it happened but i woke up one day and i discovered i no longer hated being here. I guess i had unconsciously adapted and accepted my fate. Yes, fate!!! Now when i tell my friends that i can't imagine living in Nigeria anymore, they can't believe it's the same person who declared to everyone and anyone who would listen that she hated being in America. One of my friends teased me about it 2 days ago. What can i say, i adjusted.

Bottom line is Will and Grace helped me maintain my sanity and guaranteed that no matter how bad my day was i would definitely laugh for 30 mins everyday starting from 11-11.30pm.

Hope you enjoy this clip as much as i did.

P.S Here's my favorite newly discovered blogger cheekybum.

See how nice I am...... I share all my favorite things with u guys. Now thank me. Hold it!!!!! Not just verbal thanks, i accept cash and kind. You can come scratch my back or since it's getting so hot in the A, someone can fan me. Yes, i know we have AC's and electric fans here but i prefer the good old fashioned hand fanning. The one our mothers and older siblings used to make us do whenever NEPA would strike back in the day. Eh hen, oya line up and start fanning me.

BTW, someone pls ask me what i'm doing awake by 4am with a massive headache BLOGGING!!! It's called caffeinated energy drink, i tell ya!