April

I hated this month. I'm not sad to see it go. Let it go with all the wahala and heartache it brought me. Bah bye, dey go o. I made a huge move today. I'm trusting God to see me through because i know i can't do this by myself. April 2010, good riddance to bad rubbish.

I've always thot April was a weird month anyway. My apologies to all the April babies. You all should have been born in October. I'm just saying.

I think i have a Stalker

So the dude i talked about in a previous post that left me that nasty voicemail, is still calling me. He called three times today. If we lived in the same state, i would be scared cos that's some stalker moves right there. I've told him never to call me again, why is he still calling? He doesn't leave voice messages or anything, he just keeps calling. We were never in a relationship, so why does he feel like he has the right to call me like this? I'm getting upset.

I don't want to talk to him or text him cos i have already told him once before that he should never call me again. If i take his calls again, i feel like i would be rewarding negative behavior. I just want him to go away from my life. I'm at the point where i feel like asking for assistance. I'm not willing to speak to him so i'm thinking of asking someone to talk to him for me. Ignoring him is not working. If i thot he would listen to me and stop calling me, maybe i would take his call and remind him to stop calling me. I don't think he will listen to me. T-mobile doesn't block numbers, btw. The best they can do for u is to change ur number. I'm not about to change my number cos of some douchebag.

I'm getting really irritated.

UPDATE: I just sent him a text asking him to stop calling me that i don't want to have anything to do with him in any capacity and his response "Hear me out"

This dude has no intention of leaving me alone. What have i gotten myself into?

Thots on this thing called marriage

So marriage and relationships have been on my mind a lot lately. I have all these questions because when i pick, i want to pick the right person for me. I know there's no perfect person but you can find the person that's perfect for you (quirks, flaws, personality and all). I don't have a model for what a relationship between a husband and wife should be like. My dad moved to the States in 1975, way before i was dreamt up. He did move back to Nigeria, in the 80's for like 3 yrs but after that he moved back to the States. The whole time before and after that, my mom was by herself in Nigeria. From the late 80's until i came here in 2002, my dad came to Nigeria to visit once a year or once in two years for like 2 weeks at a time. The longest he ever stayed that i can remember was 6 weeks. Yes! The man was an "August" visitor. My younger brother at a time would say "excuse me sir" (like we addressed our teachers in school) when he wanted to talk to my dad. He wasn't comfortable saying Daddy.

So i never got the opportunity to see how a marriage worked, whether good or bad. I did see how the long distance marriage between my parents worked though and it wasn't good. Not necessarily because of the long distance, but because of a lot of other stuff i will not go into. So now i have all these questions, and i feel like i have to start from scratch to get answers. I have 5 older sisters and half sisters. 4 of them have been married, but only one is currently married. My immediate younger sister is married also, but that's relatively new. So, i think i have a good reason to be scared of this thing called marriage. As with a lot of things i do, i like to do my little research and ask questions and get hard facts. My opinion is constantly changing as i discover and learn new stuff.

I'm also trying to decide on what kind of marriage i want. I'm not naturally a submissive person and if i want to get married to a typical Nigerian man, how much of an issue would that be? The word submissive used to get on my last nerve. Maybe because my mom was more than submissive and it didn't get her anywhere. My dad took that and ran with it. I'm thinking though, that there might be a fine line between being submissive and being a push over. The only thing that i have heard that made sense to me about being submissive is to think about it like ur husband is the leader of a project, and you have to defer to him. I guess i could go with that. Sorry, nothing else works for me cos that work submissive is just negative in my mind. 

I'm all for the idea of the 50:50 partnership in marriage, but i am starting to question how realistic that is. What exactly does that mean? Does that mean he cooks half the time? Cleans the house half the time? What? Or does it mean do you divi out duties equally? How exactly does that work?

I think it's easy to have all these expectations about marriage that are so far from the truth especially for someone like me that has no model of how this thing should work, I don't want to fall in the trap. If i decide to take the plunge, i want to go in with my eyes wide open and not be looking at things through rose colored glasses.

Question of the day.
Is loving someone enough reason to marry them? Flaws and all?

My current opinion is that it is not enough at all. Love can only take you so far.  Friendship and compatibility mixed with love would be the perfect combination. Am i right or am i wrong?

10 Things plus 1

I love...............

• Cheese cake........ All flavors except chocolate. I don't like chocolate cake either. Currently eating New York Style cheese cake with strawberries. Yum, yum, yum!!!! 

• Lenie. My adorable Yorkshire terrier/ Lhasa Apso (?) mix of a mutt. 

 Lenie and his piggy

• My baby niece - the Izzynator who turned 8 months yesterday. Daughter from another mother. 

 I absolutely love this picture of her in her play pen. She looks so mischievous. My sister would probably kill me if she knows i put her picture online. She doesn't even have her pictures on facebook, but she's so prettttttyyyyy. She looks exactly like my sister. Carbon copy.

• History and in that vein Historical romance novels. 

• Books. Favorite fantasy as a child was to be locked in a library for a week with food and a bathroom. A family friend said he always looked at me like a snub when we were kids cos i wouldn't play with them, instead i would lay on the sofa and read novels. 

 Favorite book of all time.

• Jack Macfarland of Will and Grace. 

 So much laughter and joy added to my life because of this character.

• The furry throw my mom gave me when i went back to school after christmas. 

Mine is brown. So warm and soft and cuddly.

• The honey moon phase of relationships. 

 I love, love!

• French dressing. It makes my salads just a little bit more enjoyable. Add a little honey mustard dressing to the mix, and you are golden

• Being Nigerian. I'm so Nigerian, it hurts. It doesn't seem like it's been almost 8yrs since i last stepped foot in my beloved dysfunctional country. Saw the Welcome to Lagos video, and i loved it. I loved the Igbo dude. "You take tea cos the weather is cold" or whatever he said. So real! Loves it. 

•  Snoopy. I've had my snoopy since 2005. I bought him and Charlie Brown from Kohls. Charlie Brown is not soft and cuddly, but Snoopy is. Snoopy to me equals comfort. Charlie Brown is currently in storage (at sch state) while Snoopy is right beside me.

That was Snoopy in 2005. Snoopy of 2010 is kinda worn out from giving too much love.

Stupid pple.

I deal with some really mad people, for real, for real. So there's this dude, let's call him Anslem. His two sisters were my school mates in JSS. One of them was 3yrs ahead of me and the other one was my class mate. Anyhoo, 2008, he adds me on facebook. I never accept friend requests from complete strangers but since i knew his two sisters and he was in Atl, i accepted it. He called me a couple of times, i was in the middle of studying for the MCAT so no be man matter dey my body that time. Besides, he wasn't cute so there was no incentive to go out of my way to pay him any attention. We never talked again and after about 7 months, i deleted him from my face book page.

Fast forward to Oct 2nd 2009. I was in school studying, and he calls me. I honestly thot he had dialed a wrong number. I answered the call and he asked for someone else. I said, hey, it's Sting, i guess u dialed a wrong number. He was like no, are u not (sister's name)'s friend. I said yes, but the name you called is not my name. Come to find out the idiot did not save my name, he just saved it as sister's name's friend. So i'm like what's up. He said he called to tell me happy independence. The last time i checked, Independence day was October 1st. He said he wanted me to come hang out. The whole thing was just suspicious. I told him i was no longer in Atl and why did he remember me after over a year. My conclusion was that, he had some guys from out of town and they were looking for girls to hang out with. I'm not the one, wrong person.

Then he went to look for me on face book, found out i had deleted him and he was claiming being hurt. He said i had snubbed him the year before that's why he stopped calling, blah blah. So i added him back, that's when he started saying he was interested in me. I had just started talking to Mr.Man at that time. Come to find out that they were classmates, first set of their boarding school, so they knew each other very well. When Anslem saw that i was starting to like Mr. Man, he decided to tell me things about him. I just started talking to Mr. Man, i just started talking to Anslem, i didn't know who to believe. So i decided to asked Mr. Man about the things i was told. Hey, i was looking about for myself.

Long story short, Anselm lied and made everything up. When Mr. Man confronted him, he called me and said did i not know he was joking. Eh?! Joke, for where? He never said any of those things as a joke. They were said very matter of fact, it was a very serious conversation. He didn't think i would be able to ask Mr. Man about it. He was just trying to burn the dude's cable. After all was said and done, he turned everything into a joke and said that i messed up for going to tell Mr. Man. I should have known he was joking blah blah blah. When u tell me that someone is engaged to be married and that the person is known for being a liar and all other nonsense, where is the joke there? What part should i start laughing? So we stopped talking, and after a while he started calling again. He is very persistent. I figured, what the heck, i'll talk to him.

Anyway, even though he knew i was with Mr. Man, he still kept asking me out relentlessly. He even went as far as asking me in Dec. that if me and Mr. Man break up, if i will give him a chance. I stopped talking to him again  for about a month. I went to Atl twice and refused to see him cos he just gave me this vibe that i couldn't trust him to keep his hands to himself if i was around him. This was based on the way he talked. I almost got the impression that he saw women as vaginas to a certain extent.

Over time i have warned him to stop referring to me in any sexual manner and that i hate it. For example, when he would say "you need pounding", i would get very upset. So he knows i don't like that kind of talk. I made the mistake of mentioning in passing that things were not rosy with Mr. Man, and i guess he saw that as an opportunity, even though he had mentioned to me about a girl he wanted to get married to and she said she wasn't ready. So about almost 3 weeks ago, he calls and says he wants to tell me something. He said he had a dream, and that i shouldn't act stupid when he tells me, because he knows i like to act stupid.

Na there i vex. I went off on him for telling me i act stupid because i don't let him talk anyhow to me with his stupid sexual innuendos. I hung up on him after my tirade. After i calmed down, i decided to call and apologize for going off. Big mistake. He starts talking about how i'm a coward and a prey and all this nonsense that had nothing to do with anything. So i hang up on him again. He proceeds to leave me a voice message.

"You know i'm going to fuck you right? I'm going to fuck u (then he laughs this weird ass laugh). I'm going to give you some serious pounding. I want you to be bold enough to call me back and say, Anslem, i don't like the way you talk to me, u shouldn't talk to me like that, blah blah blah (he actually said blah blah blah), and when u r done talking, i'm going to stick my dick in your mouth"

Is that not madness for u? I couldn't even be angry because i just felt like he was trying to get me mad. 

Then apology calls starts and text messages. I finally picked up one call and asked him never to call me again. I wasn't mad. I just started to feel violated. He called me twice two days ago, and twice less than an hour ago. Did i mention he's persistent? Which was why i started talking to him again after the last time i boned him.

I am tempted to say i will never speak to him again. But never is such a long time. I have no desire to speak to him right now at all. But he has been apologising since that day. He even had the nerve to say he was tipsy. Yeah freaking right! Tipsy at 2 o'clock in the afternoon? I don't think so. Besides, being tipsy didn't make him say those things. He said them because he wanted to.

Don't know what to do with this idiot because he won't stop calling me. Already deleted him and blocked him on FB. He's just an idiot. Mr. Man had no sympathy for me btw, he told me to let it go and that i was the one that chose to continue talking to him in the first place. I should always trust my instincts about people, esp since with this guy, there was more than just instincts.

6 things to work on

• Anger : I sabi vex! My blood too dey hot.  I used to get really angry to the point where i felt like i lost control of my actions. Not good! I just read of a lady who was sentenced to 25 yrs in prison for running over a group of boys throwing snacks at her car and killing one of them. So wasn't worth it. I've been working on that and it's a lot better. I only got angry once like that last yr. No incidents this year. Instead I'm just an emotional wreck. I still get irritated easily though. I have no patience for ignorance. I guess i need to work on that too.
• Being blunt: I used to be the queen of that. It was never on purpose too. I just said what i was thinking, the way i was thinking it. No filter. People always used to tell me i was too blunt and i never listened until about 3 yrs ago. I really don't like to hurt people's feeling and sometimes it takes a certain level of maturity to care about these things. I guess as i got older, i just became more conscious of it, and now i try to think about what i'm saying before i say it. I don't always succeed but i know i try. 
• Being sociable: I give myself a 3/10 for that one. I can be very shy, except at work where i know there's no room for that, then i just dive it. It's almost like i have a split personality sometimes. At home and around pple i'm close to, i will talk ur ear off. As soon as i walk out my house, it's a whole nother store. I don't do it on purpose but i'm aware of how i switch. I think i'm naturally quiet. Everyone at my job thinks i'm this mild mannered, sweet, soft spoken person. They should see me at home. My sister hosted a baby shower at her house, i did not step out of my room once. In my defense, i was having a moment that day, maybe i would have attended. We would never know. 
• Not cutting pple off easily: I would like to think that i'm a very loyal friend and i genuinely care about my friends.  I haven't really made a really good friend since i've been in this country (almost 8yrs). I was very close to my friend in California, but that fell through cos she was reading my blog, lying about it and then misinterpreting what she read on the blog. It was just a mess. Made me want to stop blogging but i stuck through it. Sad thing is I completely opened up to her and i've never done that with anyone else. She knew 98% of what i was writing, so i don't get why she had to sneak and read it and then refuse to admit she was reading it. She said that would defeat the purpose. What purpose? She didn't trust me? I'm trying to be over it, but i'm not because that friendship was ruined and i don't think we can ever go back to how we were. Sad! Anyhoo, she's the one person i know i tried to fix the problem while it was going on, but she wasn't ready. Usually, i just cut u off. No questions asked, we don't need to quarrel, just go. I did that with someone who was supposed to be my friend, but her actions last dec and January of this year, just let me know that she really didn't care about me. I let her know how i felt and i just stayed away. 
• Stubbornness: Every single person i know says I'm stubborn. Mr. Man told his brother that i'm stubborn. How? I still don't know. Although i know that if EVERYBODY is saying it, then it true. My younger brother was talking about trying his weight loss ideas on someone, and i asked what about me? He said , no, you r too stubborn. This was a few days ago. lol. I guess i have to watch myself more closely to see why everyone says that. I like to argue. My married friend just told me that i always like to get my point across. Mr. Man said that i do something wrong, i apologize but while apologizing i still try to get my point across. I guess that makes me stubborn. OK.
• Being too emotional: Jesus Christ!!! It's bad. The crazy this is i put up this hard front and when i break down these days, my friends are always like they've never seen that side of me. Trust me, it's always been there. I just hide it very well. I never used to open up to people, so i would always cry in the privacy of my bedroom. Then come out and be this hard ass to guys. One of my nicknames used to me Margaret Thatcher. I have someone who always says he would like to meet the man i would get married to. If only he knew. I'm never like that with guys i really like. Don't do it on purpose. Just my personality i guess. I have to admit though that i am too emotional and sensitive and a lot of things get to me, especially when it has to do with relationships and i really like the guy. I have to work on that big time. I can't be like this when i go back to school. I need to be able to push stuff aside and concentrate on school. 

Who's lying?

Hey Lovies,
My weekend was crazzzzziiiiieeee! I worked 38hrs in 3 days. 8hrs on Friday, 14 hrs on Saturday and 16hrs on Sunday. Yes, i temporarily lost my mind cos i will think long and hard before i accept 2 double shifts back to back again. The main reason i did it was because every time I'm depressed and go to work, i always feel better when i leave. I just did not want to have time to think. So i agreed when they asked if i could work two doubles. Even though my body didn't like it, my mind did cos i have snapped out of my funk. I feel much better right now. Hopefully, i can stay that way. I couldn't freaking get out of bed yesterday. I woke up in pain. My shift ended at 11.30pm, but by 10.00 pm on Sunday, i was done. I went to the day room and put my feet up, they hurt like hell. I was like they could fire me if they want to fire me, i was done.

Anyhoodle, let me gist u guys something that happened at work. I worked in the older adult unit on Sat. For some reason they had a 25yr handicapped guy on that unit. He's really nice, but i don't think he's all there. Meaning, i'm not 100% sure his mental capacity is that of a 25yr old. Anyway, on Friday when i worked on another unit and we were at the cafeteria, other staff had commented that he was dating this 28yr old chic on the unit i was working on that day. Hmmm.... Ok! That night, they had movie night in the patio of the unit i worked on and people from the older adult unit, including the 25yr old came to watch. I saw him sitting with his "chic".

Fast forward to the next day. Like i said i worked in the older adult unit and as i was taking them to the cafeteria for lunch, the 25yr old starts crying and says the 28 yr old unzipped his pants during the movie and was rubbing his privates. He was shaking and crying. I did my best to console him. The pple from the other unit were not there yet, as soon as he saw them coming, he started crying again. He refused to eat his food and i had to keep reassuring him that i wouldn't let her sit next to him. As soon as she came in the cafeteria, he threw his food in the trash and wheeled himself out. I usually let them smoke before taking them back on the unit after lunch, so as the others were smoking, he was still going off, looking very distressed and crying. I asked him if he had been molested before cos his reaction was so strong and he said he had been molested by two boys from school. He's HIV positive btw, and i had been wondering about that. He kept on saying, i already have this disease and i don't need this.

Anyway, we get back on the unit, i had to report to the charge nurse, who reports to the nurse supervisor. They went over to the other unit to investigate, of course the chic denies it. She admitted they sat together during the movie but nothing happened. Come to find out she had left a note for another guy on her unit that she would jerk him off if he wanted. Anyway, the nurse comes back, calls the dude's doctor and reports it. All he said was, u know these patients sometimes make up stuff. After the nurse further explained, he said Ok and that was the end of the conversation. I felt bad!

So the next shift starts (I worked a double that day), and i asked the lady who just came in if she heard what happened to 25yr old dude. She was pissed. Come to find out that the night before she had caught 25yr old and 28yr old chic red-handed and she said it was consensual! The guy was worried that he was going to get in trouble that's y the next day, he changed the story and said she was molesting him. She said she saw them together with a blanket over them and she told 28yr old chic to stop. 25yr old guy didn't look distressed, he still sat with her until the movie ended and while she walked them back to the unit he never mentioned anything like that to her.

Now when he told me his version, he never mentioned that a staff had seen them together and asked her to stop. When i had earlier asked him y he didn't report her, he said he didn't tell anyone because he was scared. There was no mention of the staff seeing them together. Someone that had been crying and shaking, as soon as the staff went up to him and told him to stop lying, there was no trace of tears in his eyes. He just kept on saying, i didn't touch her. No one accused him of touching her. Conclusion to the story was that, he lied cos he was scared he was going to get in trouble if it came out.  Oh boy no cry again, eye clear and everything.

I totally fell for it. Everyone did. He should be an oscar winning actor or something. Never in a million years would i have thot he was lying. U should have seen me in the cafeteria, there were tears in my eyes cos i felt so bad for him.

Moral of the story:

1. I can never be a Judge. It's always hard for me to tell who's lying and who's not. 
2. Always hear both sides of a story
3. Having an independent witness is even better. 
4. You see how that chic was fondling someone that was HIV+ without having a clue about his status? I know if she had the chance, she would totally have slept with him. Yes, patients have sex with each other all the time, that's one of the reasons we have to constantly watch them.  Since they are not allowed to have condoms, u know it's not protected sex!
5. Na wa for pple sha!

Thankful

Thank you Lord for my life. I'm sorry that i have been caught up in the little stuff. As bad as things get, i am always aware that they could be worse and for that i am thankful.

Status: Trying not to sweat the small stuff anymore.

(My Love & Pride) The Africa They Never Show You.

Expectations

I've been thinking about expectations in relationships. Over the years i have had to adopt the saying that never expect anything so you won't be disappointed. At the same time, how realistic is it to have no expectations from the person you are in a relationship with? I don't think it's realistic at all. It's easy to say and believe but hard to do.

I also think the expectations in a LDR relationship are different. Most of the daily interaction of that relationship takes place over the phone or on the internet (Skype, messenger etc). Given that there would at least be that expectation that both parties call regularly. If you are going to call whenever you feel like, what differentiates you from a regular friend? I hate LDR's btw, i don't think i will be embarking on another one if this one doesn't work out. I'm about to go crazy from all the stress. My last relationship was with someone who lived 10mins from me, but we would only see like once or twice a week because i was working 2 jobs and he switched his work schedule so he would have weekends off, knowing that i worked weekends. Anyway, even though we lived close to each other, since we didn't see all the time, we spent a lot of time on the phone. We would fight all the time, up to the point where we both noticed that we only fought on the phone and we got alone perfectly in person. So just imagine my present predicament.

Anyhoodle, i think there's some basic expectation from a significant other and telling someone not to having any expectations so they won't be disappointed and be more appreciative is a cop out from responsibility. So i was asked what the basic expectations are and to me, it's

• Keep in touch regularly, it doesn't have to be everyday but it better be if he knows what's good for him :))
• Act like you care. If you like pretend that's on you but i don't want to have to question whether you care about what's going on with me or not.
• Communicate. Talking over stuff cannot be overemphasized in any relationship.

To me those are pretty basic stuff. I don't think i'm asking for too much.

Weight loss update

I made my first weight loss post on feb 22 and i weighed 157lbs on that day. Since then, i have gone back up to 160lbs and as at today, i am 155lbs. So should i say it took me a month to lose 2lbs or it took me a month to loss 5lbs, not sure anymore, as my weight keeps going up and down between 157 and 160lbs. My goal is to be 138lbs by August. I don't know if that's feasible anymore.

I talked about the flexitarian diet which i never actually followed, in the sense that i never made the recipes in the book BUT i have been following the flexitarian principles which in a nutshell is eat less meat and more plants and fruit. It also has the 3-4-5 rule. Which is 300 calories for breakfast, 400 cals for lunch and 500 cals for dinner. That adds up to 1200 calories a day. There is room for 2 snacks of 150cals. So if you snack, you get 1500 cals a day, which is not bad at all. I also try to drink 2 liters of water a day. I'm not always successful but i try.

My typical day consists of oatmeal for breakfast. I add ground flaxseed to it or almonds OR a small cup of plain 100 cal a cup yogurt and almonds. Lunch is usually beans and plantain, and dinner is fish and salad. I don't eat the same things everyday but i know for a fact that i have at least 3 meatless days a week. Which if you know anything about me is a big deal. One of my former co-worker calls me a carnivore. I love meat. Never ate a salad in my life until last year when i started med school. I plan to start making the flexitarian recipes when i go back to school. For now, i'm just following their general principles and it seems to be paying off. I went for a 45min walk yesterday and an hour long walk today.  I would like to do that at least 4 times a week.

We'll see how far i've gone in August. I like what i'm doing because it doesn't feel like i'm on diet because i'm not. I ate a whole pound cake by myself last week. It took me a week to finish it though cos i would  have a slice with whipped cream everyday or two. I'm just generally changing the way i eat and i think it's better off for me in the long run. I like the lifestyle change as opposed to the diet ideology better.

By the way, this is my motivation. I have it saved on my desktop and look at it from time to time. Well maybe not as skinny as that. I need some flesh on my bones unless i look weird, like a head on a stick. I was tempted to crop her head and put the rest of the picture as my desktop background, but i think my baby niece is better to look at everyday.

Genevieve Nnaji

Lunch for today

Plaintains, Spinach and scallops. Yum, yum, yum. The plaintains melted in my mouth. It was so good!

He blew me a kiss and made me smile

 

image found here

I don't talk about work not because there's nothing to talk about but because i'm not as invested in it as i should be. One of the things i've had to do at this hospital that i never did at my former hospital was deal with bodily fluids. When i first started, i protested loudly to anyone who would listen (at home. I don't complain at work). My first time was cleaning poop off the floor cos this lady had the runs and couldn't hold it until she got to her room. Housekeeping had gone home for the day, come to find out later that even if they were around, an MHA (mental health associate) would have had to clean it. We clean, they sanitize (hmmm...).

The next time i went to work, i worked on the emergency stabilization unit. This is where the extreme cases are put. I don't like working there cos you don't get a moments peace. Just too much is going on for my comfort. Anyway, during report they talked about this 75yr old man who needed to be cleaned and fed. I'm wondering to myself why he is not in the older adult unit. Anyway, we get to his room, which smelt of pee for days. The housekeeper informed me that I'm supposed to be the one cleaning the urine not her, that they only sanitize. Okay! She decides to be nice and clean like a weeks worth of pee off the bathroom floor. Time to give this dude a bath, and i almost puked. His diaper had at least 3 days worth of shit in it. The stench of fermenting pee was overwhelming. He couldn't get up. He kept rubbing his whole head in this weird way. He wasn't speaking and i wasn't sure if he was understanding what was being said. We finally got him to the bathroom and he sat on the commode. The other MHA left me with him to go get something.

I asked him to take off the diaper and put it in the waste basket and he did that. So i knew he at least understood. He had absolutely no energy. Only God knows how many days he had lain in that bed in that filth without food. He couldn't raise his leg to step into the bathroom, so they decided to move him to a handicapped bathroom. They got him there after much struggle, by this time we had a male MHA helping us. The shower in that room refused to bring out hot water, so the dude was freezing. That idea was aborted, we had to transfer him to a third bathroom. I felt so bad for him. He finally got a bath, some clean clothes and socks. Time for dinner, someone we had been told in report that we would have to force him to eat, ate by himself without any prompting. He ate like he was starving and he probably was. No one had gotten that man out of bed in at least 2 days. They just let him lay there in pee and poo. I just kept thinking that whole time that he was someone's dad or granddad. After he finished, i asked him if he wanted to watch TV. He still wasn't speaking, so i wheeled him in front of the TV. I kept going back to talk to him and see if he was okay.

Things got so busy, we never got around to changing his bedding. When i went to check on him during quiet time, i saw that he had laid back down on his stinking bed and was still shaking. I asked him to get up and sit in his wheel chair and i changed his sheets. The whole time, the dude had not spoken a word to me, but i could tell he understood me, and he was still making the weird rubbing motion of his head. Shift ended and i went home. I only work weekends and have not been put on the unit since. Last week when i worked, patients on his unit were allowed to have group in the patio of the unit i was working on. They are on total lockdown so they are usually on their unit. I saw him walk past, very energetic and i was surprised cos the last time i saw him like 2 weeks ago he could barely stand up. By the time group was over and they were going back to their unit, i was at the nurses station which was at least 5 feet away and i happened to be looking that way as he walked by. He stopped and looked at me for a second. Imagine my surprise when he blew me a kiss and walked away. He recognized me!! That totally made my day. I was grinning from ear to ear.

He reminded me of the grandfather i never had. Interesting how both of them have been at a mental hospital.

How honest are u?

I'm talking about in relationships. I used to be of the school of thot that there has to be full 100% disclosure on everything when u r in a relationship with someone. Of course, u don't just flood the person with all ur deep, dark secrets right at the beginning but i think as time goes on and you guys get closer then u have to tell everything. If for nothing else, just so the person has all the information to make an informed decision. You don't want to deceive someone into staying with u or even getting with u in the first place.

What about the issue of other guys or toasters? Do you tell your boyfriend about other guys or give him information on a need to know basis? I think it depends on the person you are dealing with. Some guys claim to be able to handle it when in reality they really can't. I used to think being completely open made the relationship stronger, but i think differently now. So now, i keep my mouth shut cos i'm not doing anything wrong and i know if i decide to disclose my newest toaster all in the name of being open and honest, it would result in a one hour fight I don't have the strength for. 

Then there's the issue of the ex. Now if my boyfriend was still talking to his ex, i would be mad, like seriously mad. No, you can't just be friends, that doesn't exist in my world. Maybe i'm being unreasonable but that's how i feel. The guy i dated for 10 months last year was still friends with his most recent ex. They would go out to dinner and the movies from time to time, sometimes just to the movies. I can be very easy going when i want to be so i would usually say this is not cool with me but i can't force you to do anything you don't want to. Ok o. The day that he saw my red eye was after they came back from the movies, they went back to his apartment and i called and she was still there. His excuse was she wanted to hang out and he just couldn't kick her out cos they were friends. I put my foot down after that day. I didn't stop him from talking to her but he knew exactly where i stood on that issue. They never hung out again after that day. But the thing is, I'm friends with all my exes, including this one i just talked about.

When i first started talking to the most recent dude, i would tell him my ex just called and stuff like that. Initially, he acted like it was no biggie, after he got comfortable he started expressing his anger and he would ask how i would feel if he was the one still dealing with his ex. My response was always, "but i know i would never get back with him". Now if the tables were turned and he told me that, that shit wouldn't fly with me. Anyway, it got to a point where he pretty much told me he wasn't down with me being friends with my ex. I thought about it and i really didn't see the point of not talking to my ex anymore. So what have i been doing? I just don't tell him anymore. What happened to being completely open and honest? I no longer think it's worth the headache that comes with it. As long as i know i'm not doing anything wrong, i don't see the point of disclosing stuff that will only lead to me having a headache. Besides, i know for a fact that he only tells me stuff on a need to know basis, so why should i keep running my mouth because i'm the Queen of Honesty, abi?

So i guess at this point i think all the big stuff should be disclosed. Like don't tell me you are 29 yrs old when you are 41yrs old. Yes, that has happened to me before. Would i have wanted to touch a 41yr old man with a 10 foot pole? Hell to the no! So when i was dealt that lie, he took away my right to make an informed decision. So yeah, the big stuff counts. I think the little everyday issue should be on a need to know basis, especially if you are dating a guy who rates himself a 6 on the jealousy scale but in actuality might be an 8 and a half.

Flatline

• Break down to build up.
• I pray for strength. Strength to do what i know is right.
• Sometimes, the hard way is the only way. I've been looking for the easy way out. Hoping i wouldn't have to go through this pain.
• I fell in love with a mirage
• I ask for grace. Grace to accept that i was wrong and i made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. 
• I need to stop focusing on what's right in front of me, and start looking ahead