Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Food.......

.................is good for the soul.

When you start the day with dodo and stew and peach tea with honey, how can you possibly have a bad day? Sorry, I have no pictures of my food cos i didn't mean to blog. I have an ambivalent, apathetic relationship with my blog right now, so i'm just trying to try.

I'm home chilling cos i have a Dr's appt this morning, so i didn't have to be at the hospital at the crack of dawn. Which is why i was able to fry some delicious plantain this morning. It's the little things. But in the next couple of hours i will pay for this luxurious morning because finding parking will literally be a bitch. That's the worst thing about rotating in this hospital. Even our attending has trouble finding parking in the afternoon. God forbid you park in the patient/visitor parking lot. Those miserable VA police are happy to you give a ticket without blinking.

Alright friends, lovers and strangers. Enjoy your day.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Praying the Fat away




Lord, I want to thank you for this food, I'm about to eat
I give you all the glory for this delicious meal you have set before me
I thank you father
Now, as i consume this delicious mountain of oatmeal and spinach soup
I declare warfare on you sneaky idiots posing as cholesterol and calories
planning to add inches to my waist overnight
I give you Mike Tyson blow
I say die! 
I command you to die! 
I bind you, I cast you!
I demoralize your calorific powers
I request nutrition, and nutrition only from this mountain of oatmeal
Any confused portion of this food intending to pretend as if you don't understand my command
I bite your ear like Evander Holyfield
You must respond to my demand
Today, I declare warfare on you fat in my life 
I have been jumping in the gym for the past 4 and a half months, 
this useless fat no gree shift
Eating grass like goat in the name of salad without dressing and healthy eating
 Still, no hope
Today, na today. We go know who the boss is
I am breaking the yoke of fat today in my life. 
In the mighty name of Jesus
I command you to die by fire
I say die
I proclaim spiritual liposuction in all areas of concern 
from my belly, to my hips
all you demonic fat reducing my hustle
I say burn by fire right now
in the name of Jesus

Abeg, God understand my needs
I have attached some spinach inside this soup
I have downgraded from garri and pounded yam to oatmeal
All this poached egg business is disturbing my hustle
So try and meet me halfway 
please I beg you 
in the mighty name of Jesus
Amen!!


I almost died laughing. Who no go, no know! The struggle is real!!!! 
I almost miss Naija church. 
We know how to kabash sha!
I still think Nigerians are one of the funniest people on earth.
She went from kabashing to begging
was switching from english to pidgin
This is the funniest thing i have heard in a while.
I have given up on the weight loss struggle for now
that one is to be continued at a future undecided date
I have to pick my battles one at a time. 
 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Whiff Sniff Sniff

Today was the first day of new rotation. Back to the bed side rounding torture fest that can be medicine.
  • 1pm - We start rounding. I just got done seeing a new admit, so of course i didn't get a chance to eat lunch and my stomach had no memory of the cereal i had for breakfast at this time.
  • 2.30pm - The humidity is getting to me. Another patient, another introduction. I unbutton my white coat and wish to be anywhere but there.
  • 3.00pm- I confirm what i already know, I hate inpatient medicine.
  • 3.30pm - One of the third years asks me what's the cause of primary pulmonary hypertension.  I tell her i'm sorry, i don't have an answer for her. My brain shut down an hour ago, but i don't tell her that.
  • 4pm- Whiff, sniff, sniff.... Is that me? Did i forget to wear deodorant. I'm horrified! Jesus be a deodorant. He refuses.
  • 4.30pm - Finally last patient. blah blah blah blah. Everyone take 10 steps back and kill me now.
  • 6pm - H and P 5% done, I abandon ship. I surrender to hunger and frustration and pack my bag.  I dream of being a housewife and curse my elusive Alhaji as i make my way uphill to the parking lot.


Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Farts on a Plane

Sigh........

I don't know where to start from, all i can say is that some people are hardcore criminal animals in human clothing. Ahn ahn! A couple of weeks ago I was on my way to Atlanta. I had the misfortune of sitting on a window seat which i hate because it makes me feel trapped. I prefer aisle seats because it gives me the freedom to get up and go without bothering people, which makes me more relaxed. I'm not a big fan of flying mostly because I'm bored after 1 hour and want to get off, so i embrace anything that will lessen the ordeal even if it's just mentally. 

The flight was a pretty early flight and since i hadn't slept properly the night before I spent the first hour dosing. When the lady in the middle seat got out to use the restroom, i woke up and decided to go too. I did my business, came back to my seat way before middle seat lady. I don't know what she was doing in there. Anyway, she finally came back, everyone settled down and i resumed dosing. Just as i was drifting into lala land, I perceived this vile otherworldly odor, that smelt like rotten eggs mixed with a decomposing animal. Na so all the sleep wey dey my eyes comot, fiam! I sat up straight and called on God. I was like Lord Jesus! I didn't know which way to turn my head because it was all over. I was like which kind of evil person is releasing this kind of bomb in an enclosed space. Is the world about to end? Meanwhile, everyone around me kept a straight face. I started suspecting the lady in the middle seat because she spent so much time in the restroom. Soon the smell passed, I could breath again and all was well with the world. I was even willing to forgive the person.

But nooooo......in less than 5 minutes the vagabond released another one. This time i no follow keep straight face o because i wanted to vomit. It was rancid. I swear. How someone with such a rotten stomach gets on a plane with a clear conscience is beyond me. The smell was so bad, I had to cover my nose, but that required opening my mouth to breath and i know odors are made up of particles. I had to decide there and then if i wanted the particles coming in through my mouth or my nose. While i was battling with myself there, my seatmates were acting like they couldn't smell anything. It was then and there that i knew for sure that I was dealing with hardened criminals.

By the time round three came around, i was confused as hell. Instant altered mental status.  I was struggling not to gag and cry at the same time. Plus I was pissed! I kept looking at the call button because I had a good mind to summon a flight attendant and ask to switch seats. I knew the plane was full o, but i figured if the culprit heard me telling a flight attendant that someone was trying to murder me with their hundred year old shit gas, maybe they will control their anal sphincter better. At this point, my suspect list had expanded to include the person behind me.

Luckily it was a 2 hr flight so by this time we were nearing the end of the flight. When they started collecting trash, I bent my head down to pull out my back pack, so i could take out the banana peel I had in there and like an atomic missile, this person released another one right in my face. I was like Ha! Did this person just shit on themself, what is this?! I had to expand my suspect list again to include the girl in front of me. God in heaven knows that if we were not about to land soon I would have requested for another seat. I know myself enough to know what i can do, since apparently everyone around me had lost their sense of smell. How they could sit there and not even show any sign of perceiving any nasty odor is beyond me. Broad daylight criminals. All of them. It was very obvious that the animal stinking up the place did not fear God because only someone with a direct connection to Satan can do something like that with a straight face.

I got home and ranted about how the person was so rude and inconsiderate. My family members felt sympathy for the rotten stomach farter instead of me, the truly aggrieved party. I don't know what this world is turning into. I really don't.

By the way, those of you who get on a small ass plane and want to be reclining your seat as if you are in your father's house, don't let God punish you o! Just because the option is there doesn't mean you should use it, at least not on a freaking 2 hour flight. On my flight out of Atlanta this past Sunday, this guy reclined his seat and the guy behind him was doing something on his ipad and barely had any room left. The first thing that came to my mind was "son of a bitch". Yes, I was drinking panadol for another person's headache. I hate inconsiderate people.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Testimony time

Hello people,

Gather round, i have a testimony for you. What had happened was, the devil had been whispering in my right ear "Sting, delete your blog, delete your blog, delete your blog". And i said "you know what devil, that's a mighty fine idea" But somehow on my way to delete the blog, i got stuck in purgatory, because i was eating hot amala and black soup (with a fork) when the last bus left. So the blog wasn't deleted, it was instead stuck in the purgatory of "this is for invited readers only".

But the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob prevailed and said "come here my daughter, what's strong with you?" I told him i didn't know what was strong with me but i would like him to help me figure out what was wrong with me. He just looked at me, shook his head and turned his attention back to Boko Haram. I didn't let it pain me too much sha. I was like "okay God, be that way. I'll just go delete the blog, since you don't care". That got his attention, he quickly silenced the wailing Mama Peace, then he turned to me and said, "I know you think you are some kind of undercover atheist heathen, but i know you, you can't fool me. Sit your ass down, suck it up, stop whining and start blogging again. I'm over your bullshit".

Fear catch me because of the smoke that was coming out of his nose as he was talking. So i said "yes sir, abeg no vex" and reopened the blog.


THE END
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