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I really don't like talking relationship stuff on this blog for a lot of reasons but i appreciate the advice u guys gave. CultureSoup asked "if you don't like his character what's the point of finding out whether he wants to be in a relationship with you?" Best question of the year, cos it made me stop and think and i'm still thinking.

So did i stick to the plan? Not exactly. According to the plan, i'm supposed to call him later this evening, but seriously, I didn't know if i could be in suspense that long. However, i acknowledge that sometimes u have to give pple space, so i didn't respond to his annoying text on Friday evening and i left him alone all day Saturday.  After i got off work yesterday, i called him. He answered on the first ring (literally) and said "Hey, i was just about to call you". I asked him how he was, and he said he had been sick. He sounded really bad, and i was like,"Hmmm.... there was no plan for if he was sick. Do i still talk for 1 min or do i just talk to him seeing how he was sick". I figured, u know what, this dude has been annoying me for a hot min so whatever. I did ask about his symptoms cos i'm not that uncaring, but the conversation was very short. I told him i was tired from work (which he had earlier asked me to quit btw and he will pay my bills, but i had refused) and that i wanted to spend some time with my dad who was visiting for a day.

I sent him a couple of texts abt some stuff my dad was trying to do that he had a question about and he responded and then called me this morning with a more detailed response. The "script" did not call for me calling him at all, but i figured it would be nice to see how he was doing since he still sounded really bad when he called. So i just called him a few minutes ago, he's still very sick, he sounds horrible, he feels horrible, and he has no idea what i had planned for him, so we are "normal".

To those who asked, why i haven't just straight up asked him what he wants. Trust me, i have. I even gave him an out on Friday. Regardless of how upset he makes me at time, one of the reasons, i haven't walked away is this. Even though things did not turn out as i would have loved with regards to school, i wouldn't have been able to get through the mental stress of last semester without this dude. He was like a God sent angel, i swear. He was more than there for me. He was very supportive, understanding and encouraging. He pushed me towards God again and got me to believe in prayers and go to church (something i hadn't done since 2003). I got to see the best of him at that time.

I probably seemed like i hated his guts yesterday, but i really don't. I was just frustrated at myself.  I don't always like how he handles issues, like Barefeet mentioned in her comment, he shuts down when i start to talk. It's almost like a machine that has a total malfunction whenever there's sign of trouble, but when are getting along, it's like we are best friends. Break ups are not easy for me to do, especially when i like the person. When i walk away from all this, i want to be sure that i gave us a chance and i wasn't hasty in ending things. I never want to have any regrets. With that being said, i still think i need to give him some space. I need it for myself also.

Relationship games

Sometimes in life, despite our best intentions or our best efforts things don't always turn out as we would like. Right now, it seems like nothing is going "right" in my life. I had to take a leave of absence from school and go back in August to start over, the only thing worse than that would have been if i was kicked out of school. So as sad as i tend to get at times, i have to remember that. It doesn't make me feel better, but i remember it.

My relationship is crap! That's my head talking. He's a fine, fine boy. That has always been my weakness. I too like fine boys. Then again, I'm not bad looking myself. One of our ongoing battles is who is better looking, cos as much as i get compliments, he gets compliments also. The worst is all those shameless girls on facebook. Idiots. Anyway, i often tell him when i'm pissed, which is often these days, that his face was wasted on him cos he's such a horrible person. Horrible, horrible, selfish bastard. U will be SO wrong if u look at his face and use that to form an impression of his personality. He's an asshole X10! I think he was asleep when God passed out the niceness gene. Fine for nothing.

Tell me how the relationship is going to last when i think such nasty thots about him, but that's the reality. When i look at how he treats me, and i see all these guys that are dying to be with me (no joke or exaggeration), i wonder if i have lost my sanity somewhere. I'm taking deep breaths. Why can't i just walk away?

So right now after a series of events, i'm in the middle of playing relationship games as advised by one of my closest friends and endorsed by that devil's cousin.

• Don't call him for 2 days
• On the third day call him for no more than a minute (his cousin said i better set a timer so i don't exceed one minute cos he knows me)
• Then wait and see if he calls me the next day. 
• If he does, act normal like everything is fine. La dee dah!
• Let him keep doing all the calling for a long time, until the relationship is balanced. 

OR

• If he doesn't pick up my call on the third day, give him an hour and call again. Maybe he was away from the phone (talk true!). 
• If he doesn't pick up the second call, call one more time. 
• If he doesn't pick up the third call, never call again. 

OR

• If he picks up the call and I talk for the prescribed one minute but doesn't call the next day or the next day, don't ever call him again. 

OR

• If he happens to call me before the 2 days are up, then talk like normal. Nothing happened, i'm not upset. We are still BFF's.
• But let him do all the calling for a long, long time.  

My response to all this was, what the fuck is this nonsense about? Why should i be playing games at this age. His cousin's response was "Shut up and do it, you ask too many why's". Their point is, if i follow this plan to the tee, i would know for sure if he really wants to be in the relationship or not (like say na me toast am in the first place). He said i am no longer in control and i need to get that back. I should be the pursed and never the pursurer.

Na wa!

At this point i have to accept that sadness and disappointment are temporary and everything is going to be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Wallowing

• This is the worst time of my life
• It's not fair
• Why did this happen to me?
• I still don't see what lesson i am supposed to be learning
• I never thot i would be that person
• It sucks majorly

eh

You would think that now that i decided i need to be happy everything would be smooth sailing from here. Far from the truth. It's a struggle everyday. I start the day with good intentions, but before night time, most of my efforts are down the drain. I'm still trying though and i c slight changes in the way i deal with pple.

Now can someone please tell me, what in the world is going on on Facebook. What's with all these absolutely STUPID groups that are popping up like flies.

• OMG I LOL'D SO HARD AT THIS GIRL WHO TEXTED HER DAD INSTEAD OF HER BFF!!!
• I only click the become a fan button just to see the picture. 
• Why does it seem like when i tied my shoes, only one becomes untied everytime. 

What the Fuck!!!! I've seen even more stupid ones than these but i can't be bothered to hunt them down right now. I think facebook needs to do something about this madness. Everyone and their maama can create groups. Ridiculous. 

Now that my rant is over, i'm going back to nurse this chest pain and sore throat that i have. I'm miserable. Oh, btw i have lost 7lbs since January. I am kinda proud of myself. I need to see more progress though. I have to be in the 130lbs by August.

Tough Choice

Sometimes in life we have to make very difficult "purely head" decisions. Your heart says one thing but your head knows better. It is those times u have to grit ur teeth and bear it. Clench ur fists, harden ur heart and get through it. When it is over, you will be able to breath again.

I'm clenching my fists, gritting my teeth and bearing it. (I haven't become a white woman overnight, excuse the picture)

I need to be happy. I need some peace of mind. I need to breath.

Sunday

New week, new beginnings abi? Just walked 8.9miles in 1hr 55mins and came home to a breakfast of old fashioned oatmeal and almonds, sprinkled some flax seed in there for good measure. I no dey play again. Gotta lose this weight.

Why is it that guys complain when u r all over them, but the minute u start to ignore them and treat them like everyone else, they start to complain and become all over u? So that's the secret abi? Don't worry, i have  your number, Mr.

In active pursuit of happiness

For a long time now, i have been so conscious of death and dying, it's become a slightly morbid obsession. Fine, i know we are all living on borrowed time and no one is going to get out of this mess alive but why can't i just accept that as the status quo and live my life in peace. Why should i be so AWARE of it. It drives a lot of my interactions with people, the thought that today might be my last. No, i don't have any premonition about anything but no one knows when they are going to go.

36 blogged about Aloaye who was killed on March 6. He was my sister's namesake by the way. That's her middle name and her second daughter's middle name also. Small world cos my friend knew the dude and wrote something about him yesterday as his status message. I saw his memorial group on facebook, dude was a cute chubby baby faced guy. He was just 29yrs old. Snatched by the cold hands of death in a sec. Charles, the brother of my classmate was killed for his laptop in lagos one early morning end of feb as he was waiting for the bus to go to work. He was just 25yrs old!!! My sister's friend's mom slept and didn't wake up. She wasn't sick, nothing. She just died in her sleep. Okello, died on his way back from school last dec. I could go on and on. Point is, no one knows when their time is up.

I have decided to say FORK it!! Spoon it too, while u r at it. Everything i do from now on is with one goal and one goal only, i have to be HAPPY. If i'm not smiling, grinning from ear to ear, i say FORK it! All the time i spend letting people make me upset and being depressed, no more. I can't keep feeling sorry for myself like the world is about to end. No more, i'm ready to live my life and have FUN! Well, fun as defined by me.  

People, if u r not for me, u r against me and that means u r dead to me. You have ceased to exist in my world. I love u, i will always love u, but u gast to go. I have shed enough tears cos i'm feeling sorry for myself, boo hoo hoo, i'm not in school right now. Guess what, i get to go back to the madness in August. So why am i upset again? That's what i thot. I just like feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity. Stop wasting your life! Beeeeee Happy, u fool. :-)) I still love u, boo boo.

Yeah you too reading this. I love u (a little, just a little). I no know u na, so i can't love u a lot.

Flexitarian

Hello all,

My name is Sting and i have decided to become a flexitarian. What is a flexitarian and why did u decide to become one? My answer to your first question is "google it" and to the second "on a whim, apparently my life is not complicated enough"............................... Nah nah nah, i'm just playing.

So, what had happened was somehow somehow sha, i stumbled on this book on amazon.com

 I don't know how or why or what in God's name i was searching for but i do know for sure that i was bored that day, hence my broke ass browing amazon.com. Anyhoo, after i found the book, i googled what a flexitarian was and i said aha! This is it, the answer to all my problems in life (yeah right).

So a flexitarian is pretty much a vegetarian who eats a moderate amount of meat. Now anyone who knows me at all, knows that my middle name is meat. I probably eat meat 366 and a half days a year. However, i heard that too much meat puts u at risk for colon cancer in the future and as much as i love meat, i think i love the use of my asshole better (sorry for being so crass. It happens from time to time, pls bear with me :) The thought of ever having a colostomy has put the fear of God in me. So i have been thinking about how to cut down my meat intake. I don't think i can ever be a vegetarian, some pple are just created to eat meat and i am one of them.

The book also promises weight loss. I have even heard that people go on a vegetarian diet to lose weight, case in point Ruben Studdard (Uh hum, i watched the Wendy show start to finish for the first time today). That's a little too extreme for me and it's not that serious. That's what exercise is for. There's a hundred recipes in the book which i am excited about cos i have become a chef overnight plus some other feel good stuff. My book arrived today.  I will try it out and come back and give feedback in about 3 months when all of u have forgotten i ever wrote this post, and even if u still remember, u probably couldn't care less.

Ciao lovies.

P.S I should give u guys gist about work. I really do work in a mad house!!!!

The little things

Oh mehn, today! I had a ball!!!!! Somehow, i was able to come out of the depression that was threatening to overtake me and just live. Just be alive and live!!!! So let me tell u guys about my day. I wish i could just capture this feeling i have right this minute and keep it forever (well, except the chest pain from the excessive second hand smoke i inhaled this evening).

So i worked Friday night (11p-7a), got home, slept 4 hours, woke up, and went to a Home show. Regular me would have said "hell no" to a Home show, but i figured what the heck, i might as well get out the house. We found 1200 thread count egyptian cotton sheets for $30!!!!! $30!!!!! I can die in peace now. My sheets in school are 400 thread count and they cost me more that $30 plus they were on sale when i got them. I had figured i would not be able to afford a 1200 thread count sheet until i became a doctor or something and that totally made my day! They cost over $200 on average. My brother-in-law said he had never seen me so excited about something before. 400 thread count sheets feel good to sleep on, i can't even begin to imagine what these would feel like. I can't believe i am gushing over sheets. It's the little things in life that make me happy.

So back to my story, we then go to the mall so my sister can get a dress for the memorial service tomorrow. I ended up with the cutest hello kitty tote, a hello kitty wallet and a pair of sunglasses.

 

 

I love going out with my sister. I always get free stuff. Always!! Then she was like, would u like to go get a pedicure? Of course i said yes. If you paying, i'm going. Besides i've never had a pedicure before. So we get home, change to flip flops and go to the nail salon. We have to roll our pants up? Oh, i hadn't thot of that. Sting hasn't shaved her legs for close to three weeks now and she has some active hairs growing there. Add the fact that it's thick dark hair, not a pretty sight at the moment, and to think she actually thot of shaving (for a second) that morning. What to do, what to do? Ma'am you have to roll up your pants higher than that. Shit! Alright, fuck it! While you are at it, i want a massage also, so curse me silently while u massage my hairy leg. Well, i didn't actually know the massage includes your leg. I thot it was just a foot massage, oh well. I have to pretty toenails to show for it. My leg seems lighter too. Don't tell me it was dirt making my feet darker all this time. I refuse to believe that.

 

I think i have funny looking toes. I had a friend burst out laughing at my stubby toes the first time he saw them. Good thing i am not sensitive about them cos i would have been hurt. Hey, what can i say, i am perfect in all my imperfections.

Back to my story, after the pedicure, we went to the wake or wake keeping as we say in Nigeria. It really was a party with lots of people and food and drinks. She was Jamaican, so of course there was rice and peas and oxtail. I love the jamiacan accent and patois. I wonder if non nigerians think that when they hear us speaking pidgin english. We were outside most of the time in the garage and lots of people came out to smoke. So besides the second hand smoke and the cold, it was fun. I laughed a lot cos some people were too funny, esp with them being slightly drunk, they just say funny stuff.

One of the uncles said something today that made sense. He said, the gods take the ones they love early. It might not be logical, but it helps to deal with your grief. She was just 51 and she died in her sleep. She wasn't sick or anything, she just slept and didn't wake up. She did have a heart problem but no one knew about it. Her kids are not sure if she did. The point is, it was a very unexpected death. The house did not feel the same without her in it. I can't get over the fact that i just saw her. Anyway, c'est la vie.

Funny story at the party, so they were starting to talk crap, and this chic was like stop, there's a child here. Guess who the child was? Me. I'm way older than her. My younger brother is older than her, yet she thot i was my sister's child. Ha ha ha! Nothing new there anyway. Funny enough when i got to work yesterday, this nurse was like, "She is so cute. Look at her, isn't she cute" Then she turned to me and said "I'm not gay or anything, i'm just saying". So i get home this morning and complain about how she said it like she was talking about a child. I took it as a compliment sha. I won't lie. I had been depressed the whole day before going to work, so that made me feel good for like a good 2 mins.

So my lovely day is over. Sadly. I honestly can't remember the last time i felt like this. I had a good day and i appreciate it plenty plenty. Enjoy my doggies and the rest of ur weekend too.

 

Lenie-san

Nadia (daughter) and Kimiko (mother of Nadia in doggie bed)

Culinary Delights

I am positive there was a show growing up called Culinary delights. Anyhoo, just as i have recently discovered that i'm really into purses (Earrings have been my only love these past few years), i have also discovered that i enjoy cooking. Who would have thunk it. I was listening to one of Vera's past shows about whose job cooking is anyway. In the past i probably would have been against being the only one cooking, but i guess as i get older, i am becoming more realistic and i know that if i get married to an average Nigerian man, there's no way the cooking will be split evenly. Heck, even the guys who know how to cook completely avoid cooking once they get married. My mom had to talk to my cousin after he got married to at least help out cos they both work and pretty much come home at the same time.

Anyway, i have discovered i like cooking. I came up with some bootleg recipes last yr when i was in school. Anything that i could make quickly was my friend. I started eating vegetables too. I won't really say i'm the best cook out there. I would probably rate myself a 6 out of 10 cos there's a lot of stuff i have never actually made. I just know how to make stuff cos my mom always made sure we were around when she was cooking but she wouldn't actually let u do anything, except stew and jollof rice sometimes. Soups? Never. So i "know" how to make a ton of stuff without having ever made them.

I have been trying my hands at a lot of stuff lately and they have all turned out really well. I have pictures to prove it.

Dish 1: Kidney beans (served it with white rice)

 

 

Dish 2: Akara

 

  

Dish 3: Crab legs (just steamed it with some salt)

I made some more kidney beans with pepperoni

 

  

 

That's all for now folks. 

7:43pm

Hola people,

So i told u guys abt my sister's "adopted" mom that passed away. It wasn't real for me until yesterday. Her grandson who lived with her was having a conversation with my sister about her and he said he missed her yelling at him, and my sister asked why and he said because he missed hearing her voice. I teared up and moved away. I can't imagine what they must be going through. Around today, gone tomorrow. How do u fill that hole?  After playing with dead bodies for 6 months last year, i thot i was desensitized at least a little bit. I remember one weird conversation i had with a classmate. We were going through all the bodies on our side of the lab in preparation for an exam, and she said "we need another penis". She said it so matter of fact, we both burst out laughing. Seriously, by the time we were done with the bodies, it was the stuff nightmares are made of.

I guess dealing with dead bodies and dealing with death and dying are two different things. I don't know if i've said this before but it wasn't even real for me until i saw a black cadaver. 98% of our body donors were white, and until i saw that black cadaver i guess in order to cope with what i was doing, i had dissociated the fact that these were once people like me and you from my mind.

Anyhoodle, i start work on Thursday bright and early. I going to c if i prefer doing 1st shift so i can have the rest of the day to myself. I'm working 3rd shift on Friday. We r supposed to orient on all shifts and all 4 units twice. So orientation on the unit lasts 8 days, with u spending 2 shifts in each unit. I think it's so much better than the last job i worked at cos there u only orient 3 shifts and u were not rotated on all units. So by the end of orientation u barely know anything.

So because i have been so gloomy lately, i decided to share my companions with u guys. These are my little shadows (until my sister gets home then they abandon me)

 

Nadia, Kimiko and Lenie

 

 

Help 4 Jos

Hey people,

We need your support for the people of the Jos disaster. 2cute4u had the great idea for us to raise money for victims of the Jos disaster and work with the Red Cross to ensure the funds get to the appropriate place. I will provide more information as soon as i get it. Here's a link to the site that has been set up. Pls follow the blog so you can be kept up to date on how to be a part of this. A little will go a long way.

Thanks guys.