1000th blog post!

 Bow down bitches

I'm going to end the year and commemorate my 1000th by telling you guys 5 things you probably didn't know about me

• I talk to myself a lot. This all started in med school when i would go days without seeing or speaking to anyone, all in the name of studying. Those brutal almost daily 14 hour study sessions are over, but that habit seems to be here to stay.
• My internal scream sounds like Tom's scream in Tom and Jerry. I know, i know, i know. There's just no explanation for that. 
• I wrote my first story when i was in Primary 5.
• I spent junior secondary school in a boarding school located in a little quiet village. A very peaceful place.
• I'm one of those people who have two active names. I say active because most Nigerians have at least 3-4 names, but only use one. I have 5 names (Edo, Igbo, Arabic, English (middle name), English (baptismal name)). My two active names are my Edo and Igbo names. Edo with family, Igbo with everyone else. I am my Edo name.

Day 365/365 - I made it. We made it. Rest in peace to the departed. May the good lord bless and keep us in 2015. Happy New Year to those of you who are already in 2015. I dey come.

Pissed

Very few people have had the title of best friend in my life. We could be very close and i still wouldn't think or refer to you as my best friend. I'm not typically a best friend kind of person especially with females. Haven attended two all girls secondary schools, by the time i was done I was one of those chics who didn't/wouldn't/couldn't have close female friends. My close friends were 98% guys. Back then i would never dream of confiding in a chic. That changed as i got older and some of my close like family friends have been female.

In the last few years I have "lost" a good number of my guy friends. As soon as they enter into serious relationships i start to give them space, once they are married, in my mind the friendship is pretty much over. This is just my personal stance on it. It's just out of respect for myself and my friend's wife. I no want married people wahala at all.

When my closest guy friend in America got engaged his fiancee decided to go crazy and eliminate all real or perceived threats. My blood still dey hot those days and they got me on a day where I was not in the mood so i wasn't very diplomatic in my approach to the madness. She got exactly what she wanted which is for him not to have anything to do with me. My friendship with this guy was a million percent innocent, i never set eyes on him the whole time he was in america before he met her. I was very cool with his ex who is an actual human being and not the devil's incarnate.  I knew when he met, toasted, bought an engagement ring and even gave him ideas on how to propose to the witch. I guess, trying to prove to her our friendship was platonic/innocent, he set me up where he put her on the phone without my knowlegde and asked me if i would ever date him. I said no and he insisted on knowing why i couldn't date him, I said because he was like my brother which was the truth. I had never viewed him as an option to date. That was still not enough for the chic. She got on the phone and told me she felt disrespected. See confusion. I had never spoken to this chic prior to that day. Where and how did this disrespect occur?

Apparently, i called him one day and yelled at him and she was there and that was me disrespecting her because that's her fiance and i don't have the right to demand that he should have let me know when he got back into the country. LOL. It's funny now, but back then i was so pissed. I had an exam the next week and the whole scenario was ridiculous and was the last thing i needed to be dealing with because it was so baseless. The conversation she was referring to was a 2 min conversation conducted in pidgin english where i called to make sure he was back safely from Nigeria. This was 3 days after he was supposed to be back and i called him 3 days prior and never heard back. So that evening i remembered i still hadn't heard from him, called him and asked if he didn't see i called him, why didn't he call back to let me know he got back safely. He said he had been busy, i said okay i just wanted to make sure he was back and went back to studying.

How this got turned into me disrespecting a rat that would probably not be bold enough to come speak to me in real life, i will never know. Am i psychic to know she was sitting next to him while he took my 2 minute call? She had never liked that i would comment on his pictures in pidgin (she's a non-pidgin english speaking hispanic) and i was always teasing him about something (back when i was still on facebook). She knew we were very close friends and even started her tirade by saying that she knows i am his closest friend in America. Long story short, after the dust from that madness had settled, my dear friend cut me off o, like completely. Radio silence. I wasn't kidding when i said he was like my brother. It took two years for me to start feeling hurt because for the first two i was so mad at him for being a punk.

Anyway, since then once my guy friends get engaged or married the friendship is over in my head. I don't even want to be hi hello friends with them. It's different with my married female friends. Our friendship stays pretty much the same. Not very close.

 There are two guys in the history of my life who i consider my best friends and vice versa. One i've known since 1996 and the other since 2000/2001. These are my ride or die people. Two weeks ago i got a whatsapp message in the middle of the night from one of my best friends in Nigeria, the one person besides my brother who knows how to handle my anger (especially back in the day when my crase was at its peak). Rain or shine, he's someone i can 100% say will do anything in his power just to make me happy. This is one person who i know has my back 24/7. The text message read "I'm getting married Dec 26th". I just looked at the message and went back to sleep. I thought i was dreaming. The next evening i remembered the  message and checked and saw that this guy really sent me a text. I re-read it and got pissed! Like, stupidly, pissed in a way that made no sense.

First time I heard of this chic was on October 29th, my birthday. He was sharing the news of him dating someone. I was like cool. He was supposed to get married last year but things didn't work and he was messed up for a while. He said he didn't think he would ever get married after that. Story for the gods. We haven't talked since my birthday and the next thing i'm hearing is that he is getting married. Color me confused and shocked. Na so dem dey marry for naija? I was just mad, upset, angry, mad and mad at him. He even got his dad to talk to me because i was mad at him and after the dad told me they approved of the chic and he thinks he made a right choice, compared to the disaster of last year (his words not mine) i sort of calmed down but that didn't last. I just get angry thinking about the way he told me and how fast everything went.What kind of crappy friend tells their so called "best friend" that they are getting married less than 2 weeks before. I'm sitting here thinking when did you meet this one? When did it became marriage serious and why am i getting informed through a stupid text message?

No, she's not pregnant (time will tell). He said it started like a joke, then he ran with it and he didn't know how to tell me. The wedding was even supposed to be earlier than the 26th because his dad wanted that but he pushed it back. Talk true. I guess he would have told me the day of or after the fact. Dem they see like that. I am very angry. On his wedding day, being the devil that i am, i sent him a text saying merry christmas, happy married life, happy new year and happy birthday (his birthday is right after new years). Have a nice life, our friendship is officially over. (paraphrased)

Am i being ridiculous? Yes......
Am i being irrational? Maybe yes.......
Am i being immature? Very much so.....

But i'm just angry in a way i can't fully understand or even articulate. No, i don't want him for myself. If i did we would have been married years and years ago.  I feel like he didn't give me enough warning to prepare myself for the end of our friendship as i know it. This is someone i could call any time of the day or night. I can't do that anymore because that would be disrespectful to his wife and i like to respect myself. I needed more time to adjust to this change because it is a huge one for me. No one respects marriage more than me (which is why i would never enter into it lightly if at all), so personally don't think i should continue to be his best friend after he is someone else's husband. Plus if i am really his best friend like he says, i would have known about this blossoming relationship as it was happening and not just be blindsided by a wedding date 2 weeks prior. He called me yesterday and i didn't answer. I feel like i'm being immature but i just can't help myself. Besides, isn't he supposed to be on his honeymoon, what is he calling me for? Mscheeewww!

I answered him today because i was trying to stop being a bitch about the whole thing, but I'm in full bitch mode already and I just couldn't snap out of it. He gained a wife and I lost a best friend without proper warning. I am allowed to be in my feelings. My other best friend called me today randomly and i made sure to warn not to try that madness. He was like, we already talked about this, I bring her to you to vet and approve before anything can happen. I was like eh hen, you still have sense. LOL. I'm just a fool.

To all those of u winches thinking I should go and find my own husband, I say NO!  Wetin consign u? Besides, it would take a miracle for me to find a man I would want to marry. Miracle! Most men are animals. To make matters worse, most Nigerian men are wild animals. Quote me!

*Post 999* Pat on the back, Sis!

Tomorrow's post on  Dec 31st would be the 1000th post of this blog. Epic things. 

Relax

I'm currently reading Back to Joy, Little reminders that help up through tough times by June Cotner. It is a compilation of poems and quotes which i highly recommend. There's a poem in the book that really cracked me up. I read it while i was on the plane on my way home and I had to stop myself from bursting out laughing so people don't think i'm crazy. It has a quirky humor that i wasn't expecting from this kind of book. The writer of this poem is so my kind of person. I found her website too. You can click on the title to link to her website

RELAX
Bad things are going to happen.
Your tomatoes will grow a fungus
and your cat will get run over.
Someone will leave the bag with the ice cream
melting in the car and throw
your blue cashmere sweater in the drier.
Your husband will sleep
with a girl your daughter’s age, her breasts spilling
out of her blouse. Or your wife
will remember she’s a lesbian
and leave you for the woman next door. The other cat–
the one you never really liked–will contract a disease
that requires you to pry open its feverish mouth
every four hours. Your parents will die.
No matter how many vitamins you take,
how much Pilates, you’ll lose your keys,
your hair and your memory. If your daughter
doesn’t plug her heart
into every live socket she passes,
you’ll come home to find your son has emptied
the refrigerator, dragged it to the curb,
and called the used appliance store for a pick up–drug money.
There’s a Buddhist story of a woman chased by a tiger.
When she comes to a cliff, she sees a sturdy vine
and climbs half way down. But there’s also a tiger below.
And two mice–one white, one black–scurry out
and begin to gnaw at the vine. At this point
she notices a wild strawberry growing from a crevice.
She looks up, down, at the mice.
Then she eats the strawberry.
So here’s the view, the breeze, the pulse
in your throat. Your wallet will be stolen, you’ll get fat,
slip on the bathroom tiles of a foreign hotel
and crack your hip. You’ll be lonely.
Oh taste how sweet and tart
the red juice is, how the tiny seeds
crunch between your teeth.

- Ellen Bass

You are crazy.......

Me - No i'm not
You - You are mentally unstable
Me- No, i'm not
You - You have mental health issues
Me- ummmm, maybe

Friend- Why would you write about being depressed on a public blog? You shouldn't have done that. Nigerians are very judgmental people. They will see you as defective and crazy and will look down on you.

I know someone who refused to go see a psychologist to assess his need for anger management and would rather go to jail, all because if he went to see one, it meant they thought he was mad and he wasn't mad. Of course, said person is a Nigerian. I know how the average nigerian views mental health issues. But that's not my problem. The reason i wrote about my experience was to let anyone who might be going through the same thing  know that they are not alone and they can and should get help. I don't care if that means narrow minded faceless people on the internet now think less of me and have ammunition to use to insult me. The people who the post was meant for would appreciate it and that's all that matters.

25% of all med students become depressed. 1 in 4, that's a lot and it's mostly situational depression. Med schools are getting better at identifying and providing resources. My school is pretty good about it, actually very good. We get random emails about it, secure online services and they are very good at getting you what you need,. I heard about 2 interns who killed themselves in August after a month of internship. Medicine can be brutal. 300-400 doctors kill themselves every year. We can't bury our heads in the sand and pretty this does not happen. People who are not depressed don't kill themselves. This is why I am so careful about guarding myself these days. My happiness comes before anything. I will not tolerate any threat to it, either in the form of persons, places or things. If anyone is as much as subtracting from my life, they are gone in a second. I am working really hard to achieve a balance and have a life outside of medicine.

I personally think the worst person is a fellow med student or physician who tries to minimize another med student/physicians experience because they have been through the same thing, so assume they know it all. So what if there is nothing new under the sun, like i was told, that doesn't mean we react to the same things the same way or that because we are both in medicine our experiences are exactly the same. You might have had more social support that the next med student/physician or they might have health issues that you don't have. I hate when people do that. Just shut up and focus on yourself. Your oversabi is not appreciated especially if you are not bringing any positive thing to the table. Face front.

Interviewer- Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I want to be writer who is a doctor

Medicine will never be all my life is about. That's a recipe for disaster. I've had a taste of that and never again

The future looks so much brighter. I feel so blessed because the negatives turned out to be positive.
A classic case of a blessing in disguised. This is what happens when you hang in there and get the help that you need. Sooner or later, it stops raining and the sun starts to shine again.

 P.S. I hate it when people go on and on about how they haven't heard from me when they themselves haven't contacted me at all. The last time i checked, it takes two to stay in contact. It's one thing if they tried to reach me and i know that bad as i am, i am pretty good at responding to people. Some of my friends need to be reset as they are forgetting themselves especially the ones with wives. SMH.

I weighed myself....

...two days ago. 

It's not pretty. 

I asked my mom if she was sure the scale was not broken. 

It's not. 

Going by the scale it means in exactly a year i have gained 32lbs 

*gasps* 

This is the heaviest i have ever been in my entire 50 years on earth. 

Okay, i'm not yet 50 but i'm getting there swiftly.

Lol

I need Jesus.

Tell me about yourself

I'm very surprised at not only how much i miss the interview trail but that i miss it at all. I miss the travelling, new places, experiences, feeling like a hotel hopper ( i stayed in about 14 different hotels since october), meeting new people and the actual interviews. I wouldn't say i am an interviewing pro but I got very comfortable with it. The secret is being yourself and not worrying about having rehearsed answers. That's what worked for me. Well, worked in terms of getting through the process with as little stress as possible. I haven't matched yet and if i end up matching into my 17th choice, then we would know that was a stupid strategy. Anyway, after being nervous for the first couple of interviews, I was just like this is not sustainable. Being myself is the easiest thing to do and I just went with it.

While i still hate the tell me about yourself question more than anything, it's a very predictable question and an easy one to prepare for. Guess who refused to do that? Me! I had a different answer each time i was asked. It all depended on which way the wind was blowing that day. Some i've started off talking about how i like to draw. I know the expected answer is to sell yourself and highlight why would you be a great resident.  No one is going to say I'm not a team player and i hate talking to patients. It's easy to sit there and list off all my supposed good qualities but how many people are just saying what they think the interviewer wants to hear.

I can't say my strategy didn't bite me in the butt because i found myself saying things that were not necessary to say like being Nigerian and where i went to for undergrad. LOL. All those things are not new information to the interviewer and that's what what they are asking. I guess a little rehearsal doesn't hurt anyone.

The biggest thing I learnt through this process is that I actually am funny/witty. I would say i made more then 70% of the people who interviewed me either laugh, chuckle or at least crack a smile. I had interview coordinatiors cracking up. One of them refused to give me a handshake when i was leaving, she wanted a hug. Like i said, if i match at my God forbid choices then i know i just interviewed like a bumbling idiot. I told a second year resident who was interviewing me that he was scaring me because his face was just straight and expressionless. LOL. I kid you not. He wasn't expecting that. At the end of the interview when he was walking me out, he told me he liked my personality. I've had a straight faced interviewer (a female resident) at the different program. She just made me so uncomfortable. I didn't joke with her o cos she seemed stuck up and I wasn't feeling the program. But i could joke with the male resident because we walked together after noon report and talked on the way back so when he switched into interviewer mode, I was comfortable joking with him.

It was a good interview season. I have some pretty decent options and i would be happy matching in any of my top 5 or even top 10 program. But i still have to spend time figuring out my rank order and that's hard work. I can't faff my way through that.

P.S. I like this poem. It helped me answer the Tell me about your question.

“who are you
really?

you are not a name
 or a height, or a weight
or a gender
you are not an age
and you are not where you are from

 you are your favorite books
 and the songs stuck in your head
you are your thoughts
and what you eat for breakfast on Saturday mornings
 you are a thousand things
but everyone chooses to see the million things you are not

you are not where you are from
you are where you are going a
nd i'd like to go there too" - Madisen Kuhn

 http://hellopoetry.com/poem/367737/who-are-you-really/

Keep Praying

I got on my sister's case for using the "just pray" platitude on her friend today. I think a lot of times when that is said, it's just bull shit because the problem needs more than just prayer. I know sometimes the only solution a person can find to a problem is to just pray because there is no other practical solution. Everything else is out of your hands and it's a way to have a bit of control over a problem. At least you are doing something by praying. I get that. What I don't get is people who expect manna to fall from heaven.

I am not the greatest friend out there. I used to be good at it but I have seen too much and really can't be bothered anymore. I will be the first to admit that I put minimal effort into friendships these days so when a friend called asking me why she hadn't heard from me and she was wondering what she did, I was like why do you have to have done something, I'm just a bad friend.My brain is not firing in the direction of reaching out to friends these days. Anyway, this friend just helped solidify why I don't have energy for friendships anymore.  I am a practical person. When I have a problem, I look for a solution and focus on fixing it. I don't just sit there and twiddle my thumbs hoping for the best. Complain if you must, but do something!
She has a problem, the desired outcome is plan A.  I have given her options for Plan B since almost 3 years ago and repeated it again today, but she would rather put all her eggs in one basket and keep whining and moaning about the same shit. I care about you but I can't be the listening ear for that especially when you have refused to look at other solutions to your problem.

Being the good friend that I am, I told her to keep praying. Just keep praying...........

I'm such a hypocrite. LOL. Nigerians love religious platitudes. SMH. Keep praying, God is in control. Hey, it helped me get out of the conversation faster and for that I am thankful.

Merry Christmas, people!

Throw down with NaijaScorpio

Preparations are in high gear right now over at the naijascorpio temporary kitchen site situated at thy sister's house for a massive christmas day feast.
Lies she tells.
No be only massive feast. But we are about to throw down thanks to the awesome All Nigerian Recipes cookbook by Aunt Flo of www.allnigerianrecipes.com

I finally got to look through the book which has turned my sister into an overnight chef wey no dey let person hear word again.  Her food is actually good so i can't hate. The cookbook is very nicely done. The quality of the paper used for the book sef is even on point. She has step by step picture directions and I was both equally amazed and impressed at how much time and effort she obviously put into creating this book and I think it is worth every penny you pay for it. You have to be both blind and illiterate not to be able to use this book. All i need now is to find a willing purchaser of said book for me because if i steal my sister's book, I know she will look for me, she will find me and she will kill me. Aunt Flo did not send me message o. I was just very impressed with the quality of the book and had to give kudos. Anything worth doing is worth doing well and I am impressed.

It just occured to me yesterday that if i blog every day until New year's day, then my New Year's day post will be my 1000th post. How awesome is that?! So therefore brothers and sisters in the lord, you will be hearing daily from me now on. To celebrate my 1000th post, i will NOT be having a give away because broke people don't give away shit. Is there anything like a Take From? I will gladly host that!!!

Instead I have decided to ............

 ........drum roll please............

allow comments. I know! How exciting. If only it came with money, I bet people will be more excited but pray for me to win the lottery then we can celebrate appropriately. So make it worth my while people, start composing your epic comments. I really should just line up all my silent readers especially the ones with google accounts and bloggggsssss and just flog all of you. Like serious flogging.

Let's reconnect in 2015. For fellow bloggers, i can't promise to reciprocate the blog comments. You know who always used to comment on my blog even though i hardly commented  her blog.... Toinilicious. I noticed because she was one of the few bloggers who commented regardless. In this blogging world of wash me I wash you, it was commendable.

Why didn't i comment on her blog? Because I hardly read it.
Why didn't i read her blog? Because I stopped reading 99% of blogs.
I have been a fly by night blogger and was really disconnected from everything, which is why it was so easy for me to get rid of my twitter.

I'm not promising to change in 2015 that would be a recipe for disaster but i am open.

How did this post veer into this? This was supposed to be about food!

Proposed menu includes

• Fried Rice
• Chin chin
• Meat pie
• Buns
• Puff puff

Where is Inspector food police in all this you might ask? I'll let you know tomorrow night. I have managed to lose my appetite in the process anyway and haven't been wanting to eat as much. My evil sister told me my body looked less bloated today. SMH. 

P.S. I reserve the right to change my mind about the comments thing. My relationship with this blog still feel weird. Yes, i have issues and we all know that by now.

Rest in Peace to Bleu my Parakeet of 7 years who died today. I'm losing my Nigerianness. I screamed oh my god twice when i saw him lying dead in his cage this evening. Slap some kpako into me somebody please! His friend brother Ping died earlier this year. I got both of them in 2007.

Crazy People

Seems like there are a lot of undiagnosed, untreated mentally ill people in this country lately. It is actually quite alarming. The news these days is a daily nightmare to the point that I have become an ostrich. I would rather bury my head in the sand, but there's just no escaping it. There used to be mental asylums in the United States but those were all closed down, laws changed and now we have a lot of lunatics roaming the streets. Their family members are unable to do anything because it's hard to commit an adult to psych just because you think they need it.

I just watched a video that scared the crap out of me. Since early October I've been driving all over for interviews. I literally drove 1000s of miles, at least 3000. On my way back from the first interview i had in December I noticed a car was tailgating me like crazy. I hate that and I don't do it to people if i can help it. I would rather just pass if i can and let you go on your merry way. Anyway, this car was tailgating me so i switched lanes to the slower lane and they switched lanes also right behind me. It was dark and I had no clue who was in the other car but i was getting uncomfortable. So i  switched back to the fast lane and they drove up beside me and were going the same speed. It was obvious whoever was driving was trying to antagonize me. I have no clue what i did but i must have done something, only Jesus knows. I deliberately decreased my speed just so this lunatic could go away. Just when i thought this person was gone, about 5 mins later they were right behind me again with their light on high beam. I almost had a heart attack because it was so unexpected. Like this person just drove right behind me and put on their high beam. I was like which kind wahala is this. I just wanted to get home in peace.

As soon as i could i switched lanes to be behind a truck and slowed down significantly because I wanted to make sure i didn't run into this mad person again. I have no interest in being in any kind of road rage. I have a friend who almost has a heart attack every time she's driving because she is such an awful road rager.
 Everything and everyone annoys her on the road and she gets really heated. I don't get it. I can't be having high blood pressure everyday because of people i don't know. She's even screamed and pushed on MY horn when i was driving her one day. I had to tell her to cool it. She's comfortable doing this because she thinks everyone is sane, until she meets a truly crazy person on the road one day. We had a rotation together and we were neighbors at the time so we rode together sometimes. It was an interesting month. I am a driving to relax kind of person. I put on my music and relax while driving. I've had a lady scream at me and flip me off before and I just grinned and blew her a kiss (it pained her!!! lol. Cos she screamed some more before driving off). I think i cut her off, but it wasn't that serious.

This all started when she flipped the lady off. I bet that chic will never flip another driver off on the road again for the rest of her life. Craze pass craze. But for real though, what's with all the crazy people in this country this days? It's become so pervasive. It's sad that at a time when they are most needed, there is a major shortage of psychiatrists in the country. 

Am I really that fat?!.....

Mom: Yessssss........!!!! (In the most dramatic way ever)
Me: Bursted out laughing almost falling into the open fridge.

Yes people, I am under siege by the chief of the food police aka my mother here in Atlanta, GA. After watching the trailer for my big fat fabulous life a few days ago, one of my bosses (my 5 year old niece), told me I was fat a little bit. Not a lot, but just a little bit. Shey u people see what long throat of free interview food has caused. I interviewed at some pretty good programs. one program took me to dinner, breakfast and lunch. Like, they sent a resident to come pick me up for breakfast, forget hotel breakfast. Most places fed me dinner and lunch and it's hard to pick healthy options when u are getting free good food. Multiply all this food with the number of interviews I've done and u can see why my mother is panicking.

Her instruction to me this morning was to weigh myself, which I didn't do. I have no clue how much I weigh, but I think it would be safe to say I've gained at least 10-15,lbs. It's obvious when I look at my face in the mirror. Thankfully, I only have one interview left at the end of January, so my free food days are over.

But for the next 10 days while I am in the presence of my mother, every food intake will be scrutinized and approved. Now I see why my sister was disciplined enough to lose all her mommy weight. My mom was nagging her after her first baby, but after boss number 2 was born it was kicked into high gear. Lol. My mom is awesome..... A very awesome wahala woman. It's easier to just tow the line than to deal with her mouth. Thankfully, I know it's from a good place, so I can't be offended but after dreaming about needing to lose weight yesterday, I know say water don pass garri.

Last night I had to sneak downstairs to get a snack. She refused to listen when I told her I can't sleep when I'm hungry. She told me to train my stomach. She eats super healthy and can out run me any day, any time. I don't blame her sha, it's all Dr. Oz's fault.

In all fairness, I have been under the weather and in the last few days developed major GI issues. I probably had an ileus or something. That's how and why she focused on my feeding habits. I ended up not going to see foxy P at Ik's cafe and grill. It's been a rough week and it sucks that I have spent a whole week feeling like boiled crap. I am starting to feel better, so hopefully my last week at home will be more productive.

Meet and Greet?

Hey everyone,

I'm about to get a well deserved and earned break from this torture fest aka interviewing. After tomorrow, I will have one more interview left which I scheduled for the end of January.  So I have the rest of December to decompress. I had the idea of doing a meet and greet in Atlanta. Foxy P and the other Touts are going to be performing at Ike's cafe and grill, a Nigerian restaurant in Norcross. I had planned to go there anyway, but since foxy P is going to be there on the dec 21st, I want to go on that day. There's no extra charge for going on that day, you just pay for your meal like you would normally do.

Anyhoodle, I figured this was a good way to meet some of the readers of this blog and we can have dinner. That's if anyone is interested. No serial killers allowed. I will be coming with my body guards, rape whistle, pepper spray and tasers. So, don't play.

FYI: this is not some kind of indirect advertisement for Ike's cafe o! I've never been there so I can't vouch for the food, but my sister has and she liked it. As for Foxy P, I am Philo's number one fan so I can't pass up the opportunity to meet him in person.

I don't know what time the Touts are supposed to be there, so I can't give a time yet. If you are interested in the meet and greet, email me nigerianscorpio@gmail.com. Like I said, no serial killers or any other cray crays of that nature. This is just dinner, at least on my end. We eat, gist, and I go home afterwards.

Let me know.

Time for another pre-interview dinner. I swear I have gained at least 10 lbs. It's not fun anymore. I just want to get to the hotel, relax and go to sleep. But no!!!! Some of the programs even start the interview during the dinner. You are trying to eat and some resident is questioning you. Some are so obvious and awkward about it, it makes for an unpleasant evening. Mschew.

Relationship Enhancement :)

It's that time of year again! 

Time to pass on the savings! 

Give yourself a gift, 

Give your friends and family members a gift that shows you care :) :) 

My sister is having a sale and i'm extending this info to my blog readers because i'm nice like that. 

I don't get anything by doing this o

(Just being a good sister)

Everything on this list is 25% off!  

Most of the products on the list are bath and beauty products

Go on pureromance.com/hopekulaszewi to see the exact products

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I'm in Love....

with one smallie like this,

Kevin Ross

I heard his glade commercial and i was like who's son is that?!

Thanks to my BFF google,

I found him!!! 

This has always being my favorite time of year. I wish everyone much joy, peace and happiness. Be well.

On Linda Ikeji......................

I've changed my mind. I will keep my opinion to myself. I mean who died and made me judge of anyone? How is it my business if all she wants to post on Instagram are pictures of herself in designer outfits, shoes and bags? Given the fact that she has never been known for her intellect, i think it is unfair to expect that just because she is great at compiling news, gossip and sponsored posts and has made a name for herself doing that, she would use her "fame/voice" for a more worthwhile cause than flaunting her newly acquired wealth. Who will be the next Oprah Winfrey? Most likely not Linda Ikeji, she doesn't seem interested in that sort of thing.  She spent 24 million naira on a car.  Okay. But why do we need to know that? Is it part of the culture now to not only flaunt new possessions but also throw around the amount it cost or is it just a problem that people who are just seeing money for first time have? Crass.com  #justsaying

I mean I'm absolutely almost certain that Jimmy Choo, Louboutin, Marc Jacobs and whatever name designer now give their products to naija celebrities for free to promote. So Linda "chopping money" Ikeji is most likely not wasting her money and even if she is, how is that my business? I'm sure that a lot of people who look up to her as a role model know not to focus on that side of her. I'm sure that they are sensible enough to solely focus on the fact that she is a self made millionaire and aspire to be like her in that aspect and not be blinded by material things that have no meaning in the long run. Never mind the fact that she doesn't seem to be too concerned about securing and building the brand that is her cash cow. God forbid she spends any money to get her own domain name, employ writers, assistants or whomever she needs to grow as a brand.

It's really not my place to be irritated at seeing so much potential go to waste. I should have just gently closed my mouth, lowered my raised eyebrows and Xed out of her instagram page the day i mistakenly landed on there. Just because I don't value material things does not mean i should look down on or judge someone who seems so superficial and shallow enough to fill her IG page with painstaking details of her designer outfits. If this was just any random female, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. I have long  accepted the fact that some females are lacking in depth. But this is Linda Ikeji! The Linda Ikeji!!!  The "role model" who crawled her way to the top through blood, sweat and tears. The one who unleashed her legion of power rangers on Toke Makinwa who dared mentioned the fact that she isn't a role model. Forgive me for expecting more, but i did. I did! I really did.

If Linda Ikeji is so proud of the fact that she didn't have to sleep her way to the top, I would think she would use her instagram account and blog to raise awareness about social issues that are pertinent to women in Nigeria and become an advocate for women who don't have a voice. She has done that in the past and has achieved amazing results so i think i can be forgiven for expecting more and allowed to be more than a little disappointed when I get on her Instagram account and all i see are pictures of her and the effort she puts in  listing every single designer she is wearing, picture after picture after picture as if they are paying her. Tacky much?!

Linda Ikeji is obviously not my mother's daughter because if she was, she would "hide herself". LOL. She would not only hide herself, she would also not be so obviously materialistic and taken by brand names. Nobody needed to ever know how much she was making from her blog, that she was building a house for her father, how much she paid for her 2008 Camry and 2014 Range or that she even bought those cars. It is nobody's business but her's, but stupid is as stupid does. I guess Lagos is really as safe as people say. But then again, maybe I'm the problem! Maybe i've been out of Nigeria for too long and no longer know that it is now the norm to be so materialistic and obvious about it. Gbo gbo bigs girls level? Abi? I must be missing something. Isn't Uche of Bella Naija in Nigeria? I wonder what type of cars she owns and how much she paid for them. How many designer items has she managed to acquire? Hmmmmm.......I'm not going to sleep tonight thinking about it! This is vital information that i absolutely need to know! *rolls eyes*

Anyway, like i said earlier, nobody died and made me judge so i need to focus on taking the log out of my eye before removing the speck in someone else's eye. So i will jejely keep my opinion to myself and face front. Nobody asked me and it's not my business.

My opinion on Linda Ikeji

Why? Because I can
When? Coming soon

I'm currently at the Radisson, fully stuffed and over fed. I did a lot of thinking on the slow, two hour drive here in the pouring snow, but I'm too tired to blog plus I have an interview tomorrow bright and early. Second one this week and it's only Tuesday. Thankfully, I have something exciting to look forward to this week.

If you want to read about my opinion on Madam Linda, watch this space.

Sojorner Sting

I can't believe today is the 22nd already. This month has been a whirlwind of activity. I have been to many places, driven 100s of miles, slept in multiple hotel rooms, met a lot of people, been to more restuarants than i have been all year. I swear i've gained 10lbs already and I'm only half way done. One thing i started doing was to bring my own sheet and pillow case along, that way i know I can sleep comfortably and it has made a huge difference.

One of my goals for early next year is to start yoga/ learn how to meditate and definitely start working out again. The good thing about going out of my comfort zone and attending drawing class is that i now feel comfortable signing up for things. There's really no point to this post. Just wanted to say hi!

Toodles.

Dating outside your race vs social circle

Whenever people ask why i don't date Caucasians, my simple answer has been that I have never been asked out by a white person (I have been asked out/hounded by a Persian guy years ago but his garlic breath was an otherworldly experience and he didn't stand a chance in both heaven and hell).

Anyway, I guess i need another excuse because today I was asked out on a date by a white guy......my cab driver! Reason numero uno why i like America. I can just imagine a cab driver asking a doctor out in Nigeria while driving her around. LOL....he wouldn't even do it. The program I interviewed at today got me a cab to take me to and from dinner yesterday and  pick me up and drop me off at the different hospital sites today. I drove down to the city, but did not want to drive myself around if i didn't need to, plus they were paying so why not. When he picked me up this morning, he was like, you look really nice and I said thank you. I sat in front with him and we actually got talking. He asked me what i like to do for fun, if i think i want to live in the area. He is nice guy, has a daughter, baby mama is in rehab for drugs and alcohol, so he is a single parent. He is in his mid 20s, he drives a cab full time and his goal is to own his own taxi company. So he is ambitious as in, he wants to do something with the cab driving business. When he came to drive me to the second site, he asked me what I was doing after the interviews were over and if i would like to go to the movies later. I shut that down real fast but very nicely.

 My people say if you wan eat frog, make you eat the one wey get egg. If i take him home my mother will use her shoe and chase us out of her house. Plus just no! No! Just No! I guess i could start defending myself and saying there's nothing wrong with dating a cab driver but one thing two thing, blah blah, but i would just be lying to myself. Notice i asked him what's next after cab driving and he said he wants to own a cab company which is awesome, but e still get as e be in ways I would rather not get into right now.

Some people are either just plain uncouth or have long since run out of fucks they don't remember the last time they had one to give. So i went into the bathroom at the hospital to arrange myself before interviews. This nurse or health worker (don't know, she had scrubs on) came into the bathroom, I was talking on the phone and walked into the stall next to her. I just wanted to pee and get out. Other normal human beings would wait a few minutes before letting it rip as there was someone else around. Do you think this woman did that? No! It didn't sound like she had diarrhea plus she leisurely strolled into the rest room, so she could have waited 2 mins. She just started pooping, sounds and all and the stench had me running out the door. Forget soap to wash my hands, I just used water and ran out. I was like, Jesus you need to come down soon because your people need lots of help. Ahn ahn.....who does that?

982

Since I'm sitting here, wasting time, I might as well blog. I'm trying to make peace with silence. Over the past few months, I have become afraid of silence. The act of being alone with my thoughts. So if i couldn't have someone over (which is most of the time), then I always had a show playing on my ipad. As soon as i wake up in the morning, the next thing i do after turning off my alarm is to go on Pandora. I start listening to music until I get into my car, then i switch off Pandora and listen to naija music until i get to the hospital. I didn't put conscious thought into what i was doing and why but that was a pattern that just developed.

I can draw while listening to music, but i can't read or write anything (including blog), my brain just refuses to work that way. I've also noticed that I have been avoiding sitting down to read anything whether for leisure or school. The last time I actually studied like a proper medical student was September 2013 when I took step 2. After that, I haven't sat down for more than an hour or even 30mins to read. This is very sad because I have had time this year both to build up my medical knowledge and read for pleasure but I just can't seem to do it. The craziest thing is i used to love to read. I was a classic book worm even after starting med school.

First and 2nd year after every exam (which was monthly), I would go to the used book store and get novels to read, because it gave me so much pleasure and it was how i relaxed. You would think after been forced to read so much for exams I wouldn't want to read another word, but I just loved novels because they have the ability to transport you to a different time and place. But as i progressed through med school, reading became associated with stress and now the thought of reading anything is anxiety provoking. Studying for step 2 CK was HELL and I had to work with a cognitive behavioral therapist to deal with the anxiety while studying for that exam. So i guess it's not surprising that I haven't wanted to touch a book since then. I didn't prepare for Step 2 CS. I just couldn't do it. I was absolutely convinced that I failed it and I was prepared to take the blame, but i actually did well on all the sections and was ecstatic when my sister told me i passed (I refused to check the result myself. Fear no let me).

I still buy novels and I still want to study for school so I have been a little stressed about not being able to read. It finally occurred to me why I have been running away from silence yesterday and I have decided to confront it. It all boils down to being afraid of anxiety. The music and the shows don't necessarily keep it at bay but with them, I'm not so focused on my thoughts. So i have decided to practice some "exposure" therapy and just confront the silence daily until it is no longer an issue.

This is my 982nd blog post. I've had such an ambivalent relationship with my blog this year. I struggled with not wanting to renew my domain name this year because I honestly thought I would never blog again. I renewed it last minute and i figured i have a year to decide what i want to do with the blog. I'm glad i forced myself to start blogging again because I don't think the desire would have come back naturally. I think there is something to be said for being able to blog (somewhat consistently) since 2007. I regret deleting my first 3 blogs. My first blog had 81 posts when i deleted it in 2007. It would have been nice to go back and read when was going on in my head back then but i was so concerned about remaining anonymous that whenever i found out someone i knew found my blog, i would delete it. So this blog was actually started in 2008.

 Now i don't care so much about being anonymous. I try to avoid mentioning my real name, where i go to med school or any other obvious identifiers. Lots of people have seen what i look like on instagram (quite the monster if i say so myself. Someone told me i look way better than I sound. Apparently when i write about myself i make myself sound fat and nerdy looking. Interesting. lol). I know there a quite a few people who know me in real life who read my blog. I've actually given my blog address to multiple people. I had a friend tell me he wouldn't read my blog if he didn't know me because it's not a news or gossip blog. Oga thank you. lol. Someone even said it was a narcissistic blog because it's all about me (shey u see naija people). I guess he thinks all blogs should be amebo blogs. Anyway, I'm still here, albeit struggling to be, but i'm here. My goal would be to make it to 1000 posts by the end of the year.

Let's see how that goes.

Antenna's up!

I think one of my neighbors is a serial killer!

 I've been noticing him from my side eye for months now. He's just weird! I don't have any proof except my gut instinct and the formal training I have received from all the crime shows I've watched on Netflix and Amazon Prime. Classic serial killer look, demeanor, and behavior. I just know the dude is shady. His way is obviously not clear. When he makes it on the news, I'll come back and tell you guys.

Today was the first day I actually felt like i am on vacation. I have Nov/Dec off for interviews but I feel like I have been working harder than when I am on an actual rotation. Interviewing is not fun! I've been driving up and down like a truck driver. It's so tiring/boring especially for a restless person like me. I've tried to avoid flying as much as possible, but I will have to do that starting next week. I hate flying, undressing at the airport and airports in general, but I've had to travel often enough that I have getting through security without a hitch down pact. The traveling resumes tomorrow, another hotel room......

Jesus be another life! I'm looking forward to spending time with family soon, although half the time would be spent roaming that part of the country like a freaking gypsy. I can't wait for this to be over although what comes after is not necessarily something to be excited about. Okay, enough of the whining. It's not that bad. Things are actually starting to look up.

P.S. Toinlicious....What kind of ojoro instagram account do you have? Abeg, I use Jesus to beg you, arrange yourself and put pictures up. Please and thank you.

Birthday gifts

Chocolate cake

 I made a wish list for my birthday cos my first bloggie friend (since 2008) recommended i make one and send it to him so he would know what to get. So i figured I might as well send it to other people too. It was mostly art supplies on the list and apparently I have some pretty awesome people in my life. They worked on that list! One of my sisters went to town on the list, I was like, "na only u waka come. lol"

Art books, grid ruler, blenders/burnishers, erasers, sharpeners, tortillons, sandpaper sketch pads, grid ruler, brush, artist tape, color pencils sets, graphite pencils, art stix, drawing/sketch set, verithin pencils

Pastel pencil sets, oil pastels, precision eraser, burnisher/blender and more color pencils.

The prettiest Ipad cover

My standing easel!!! I wanted one since the first day of art class.

Another easel. This one is portable, folds in a box and you can take it on the go. I love it!

I got a couple of daylight bulbs too! These things cost a pretty penny. 

Thank you family/friends! You are awesome........

I'm on Instagram......again. 

Naijascorpio

Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn.....

I'm lying down in one hotel room like this....my third one within the last month, and I feel like crawling out of my skin or floating in the air. No, I haven't suddenly turned into an aristo chic, although I don't know if that is such a bad thing these days........na joke I dey o! Before u say, sting said you should turn runs girl.

Anyway, I'm back on the interview trail and I think I went a bit crazy with the number of interviews I scheduled. But that's another matter. Back to the matter at hand, I hate hotel rooms. Most are okay, this one is not that bad but their bathroom is in need of air freshner, they obviously didn't clean the shower after the previous guest left, there's no bathtub by the way, I'm dreading taking a shower tomorrow cos the floor is dirty and I didn't bring flip flops (I didn't anticipate a dirty shower), their ironing board is broken and I just think these sheets are not clean (ok, it's actually quite bad. The bathroom is the nastiest I've ever seen in a hotel. But it's free, paid for by the program so.....)

I am always worried about bed bugs in hotels. Oh....I never told you guys about my encounter with beg bugs two years ago. I shudder just thinking about that horrible experience. Come to find out it was from my neighbor. Since then, the fear of bed bugs have been instilled in my heart and I've read how a lot of hotel rooms are infested. I'm not going to say I won't sleep on the bed, but I have ended up not even pulling back the covers in some hotels, depending on my general impression of the place. I always take my wrapper and a hoodie, those two things always help me feel a bit more comfortable.


My birthday was good. Better than it has been in years. I didn't go to work as planned, got a lot of gifts off my wish list, but I spent the day not feeling too well. Then one of Satan's apprentice's aka my friend pissed me the hell off and tried to get killed but by the grace of God I held my tongue and swallowed my words. I literally had to use both hands and pull the words back into my mouth. Talk about massive, unprecedented, award winning, I'm so proud of myself, self control.  Uhm! You see why it's not good to mellow down?! People who didn't know you before have no clue they are walking into the lion's den and might just get killed. It amuses/amazes me when people try me these days. It's like they are just begging to be ripped apart, just begging. Chai!

 Oh Lord Jesus! Help your daughter. I let her have it the next day though cos I woke up still majorly pissed. I just couldn't live with myself if I allow someone treat me and speak to me that way. Like, just kill me now. I refuse to tolerate that kind of nonsense especially when I wouldn't dream of treating anyone that way. I don't know who she thought she was dealing with. I am not the one Satan, I am not the one. She's not the only one that has tried it recently. These people need to kneel down and thank God that a) I am getting older/more matured  and b) I don't have the energy or interest in going off on people these days, unless it is extremely needed. I read the response to a text I received from this condescending idiot yesterday and just decided that silence really is the best answer given to a fool.

I am tired of people. Period. The End. I'm not even going to bother myself anymore.

This room has a weird odor. This is the first hotel I've been in that actually smells funky. I miss my apartment. Not looking forward to the next 6 weeks. It would have been a lot of fun if I had someone to do this with, visiting new places and stuff but now it's just meh.....

The Shade of it All

So in my last post, titled All T, All Shade, I have to admit I gave you guys all the shade but barely any T. The truth is I don't have power to talk about that girl's matter. That girl changed my life. Back then I thought it was in a bad way, but now I look at it as a good thing. She gave me my first real lesson on "Friendship. The remix". The bible says in Jeremiah 17.9 and I paraphrase, the heart of man is desperately wicked (close your mouth, a heathen can quote the bible too. Lol). That demon child was the definition of a wicked heart. When you set out to destroy someone who has been nothing but kind to you with such a viciousness that people don't even have for their sworn enemies, then you are just a direct descendant of Satan. Even Jesus or in this case Allah can't help you. Lies upon lies designed to ruin someone's reputation for no obvious reason.Word to the wise, beware of grade A frenemies, those things are master chameleons and can go undetected in your life for years. When you finally notice, it's almost like stage 4 metastasized terminal cancer. Write your will, say goodbye, dead less than 3 months after initial diagnosis type of malignant cancer. Insidious and vicious.

Moving on, I just realized that another "friend" has been throwing some major shade my way, but I have so oblivious it didn't register until this morning. So very recently this chic won for the second time in 5 years the award of most selfish, self centered, oblivious friend in the history of my life. The only reason I still interact with her is because of the small Christianity I have left in me. After the stunt she pulled a couple of weeks ago I decided she was dead to me but last week after she said hey to me on whatsapp, I decided to use my church mind and respond. We didn't have a fight or anything so she had no clue I had declared her anyway.

As the conversation went on we talked about her son and I asked when she was having number 2. I really couldn't care less, I was just making conversation. Her response to me was, "when are you having one?" I read the text and my left eyebrow involuntarily raised in confusion. Last time we both checked I am unmarried, unengaged and all types of single. Is it now the norm to ask people of that demographic when they are having kids? I would have thought the obvious shade would be asking when I was getting married. Anyway, before I could respond another text came in. 
"My mom was asking and I told her you could have a child without being married o! lol" Errmmm excuse you? Why are you telling your Nigerian mother that?! What sort of impression of me are you trying to give her? I don't even want to imagine the rest of that discussion. I mean, I'm not denying I've said that, because i say shit like that all the time especially since I'm very ambivalent about marriage but i don't see how that's her mother's business if she isn't trying to make me look bad. Not like i care. So i said, I'm still looking for an appropriate baby daddy, I don't intend to have a child with any random person, besides I'm not ready for a child,so not anytime soon. She was like "lol, I know". So if you know, why did you ask me when am I having one?

Then on Saturday, I got another WhatsApp message. "You and this your same hair style. Smiley face" I recently changed my profile pic. I responded and said "I accept free make overs". Abi wetin she want make I talk? Then she said, it's fine sha or you look good...... Fairer........Plus pluss minus minus.

I didn't really pay attention to her because since i'm not in show business I don't see why I should be changing my hair style up and down. I found a style of wig that suits my face which I get endless compliments on, why should I fix what's not broken. And NO! it's not the same wig. I actually switch between three different brands, similar styles. I get the hook up from the sister in ATL. I'm seriously resisting the urge to shave my head again as i'm ready to be wig free. For those of you who say why don't i just go around bald, I say you don't like me. Period. The End.

Anyway, this morning as I was washing my face, it just suddenly clicked that this chic said I was fairer and I panicked!!! I'll tell u why. Sometime in June, I had a severe attack of and by live alien pimples on my forehead. The aftermath was unslightly. I always get Clinique products for my birthday every year from my sister but my dark spot corrector had run out and since I had no intention of spending $46 on something  as small as my index finger I went to Walmart and got Equate dark spot corrector for $5.  So I have been faithfully using my cheap dark spot corrector since June but dark spots no gree fade. Thankfully my "hair" covers my forehead so it doesn't bother me too much and these things fade with time anyway, it just takes forever and ever.

So when it clicked that she said I was lighter, fear catch me because the only way i know people get lighter is either by bleaching or in the middle of winter. Since we are obviously not in the middle of winter and I have been using this el cheapo cream on my face everyday for at least 3months, I was scared that it had Dencia'ed my  face. Although I wasn't sure how it could do that and not fade the dark spots it was meant for. But i panicked!  So I put one hand against my face to compare, hand is darker than face. To make sure, I put both hands, I didn't want any film trick, same thing. My hands are still lighter than my freaking face.

I finally was able to breath and was like, that bitch!  I was seriously pissed cos that's when i realized this chic has been throwing major shade my way for a while now. All the shit she's been saying that I have overlooked just became clear.  I called my sister as I was driving to the hospital and vented. Then she sends me a text later in the day saying I see why she said what she said, your face is flawless. She's just jealous.  Everyone should have a sister!!! :) In case you are wondering I'm in between light and dark. My siblings range from very light skinned to light skinned to slightly dark,to dark.  I like to think i am more on the dark side, although I have noticed that I am lighter than some people I consider light skinned, but I don't consider myself light skinned. Don't ask me why.

To be on the safe side, maybe i need to double check that the el cheapo $5 Dove or St. Ives body lotions I typically use are not undercover bleaching creams. Anything is possible.
P.S. I just confirmed with a real life person that my face is actually darker than my arms. Bitch!!!

Mstcheewwwww. The Shade of it all.

Today, I told my Fellow that I'm not coming in on Wednesday. He didn't ask me why and I didn't offer an explanation.  I had one ready if he asked, although most (normal) people usually would say why they can't come in without being asked. I am pretty certain he thinks I have an interview that day but It's my birthday and I figured the service won't come to a grinding halt without me. (Thank God this blog is Anonymous or is it? Hmmm). Hey, last year I was on call and spent the whole day and night in the hospital. My senior was nice enough to let me sleep through the night in the freezing cave hole of a call room, but still..... I'm living it up while I can. It's not going to last forever. Very soon I would actually be responsible for shit and can't take the day off all willy nilly.

*The reason comments are disabled is because I don't want to be sucked back into blogging before I'm "ready" which I think will happen if i start interacting with you guys. Some very smart people have figured out a way around that and as you can see from this long epistle of a post (which I enjoyed writing by the way), I'm already being sucked back in. I'm not complaining.

You guys continue to amaze me. I got some unexpected emails this weekend that really surprised me, including one from a non blogger who remembered my birthday was around now although she couldn't remember the exact date and she just wanted to wish me a happy birthday. I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. For the last couple of years I somehow from somewhere got the impression that a lot of people who read my blog don't like me. This only worsened as time went on. I know i can be a hot head from time to time and I'm aware that doesn't exactly win fans but i can't be anyone other than myself. So people taking the time to email for whatever reason, means so much to me. When I read the comment Ms. Cookie left on New Dawn's blog, I really was surprised. Let's not even talk about New Dawn, na direct text message I dey get from her. Even before I started blogging again, I randomly get text messages from her just asking how I am doing and I just think she's the awesomest person ever!!!!

This is turning into a novel.  If you actually read this far, you need Jesus. LOL. I kid. But seriously, you might have a problem aka Amebo monitoring spirit. LOL.

All T, All Shade

In case you can't tell from the title, I am a huge fan of RuPaul's Drag race and I am happy to say I am current on drag queen slangs. Yaass hunty!

Today I will be addressing a very pervasive issue affecting a lot of young Nigerian females. I'm sure it affects people of other nationalities too, but I'm sticking to the demographic i'm familiar with. Apparently, we have a lot of Chinua Achebe or Chimamanda Adichie's protege's running around. I didn't know a lot of people where into writing fairytales. Someone who could not string more than 2 sentences together in undergrad to write a paper (major shade) all of a sudden becomes an accomplished writer as soon as she finds a man willing to marry her. I never knew until now that an engagement ring also has magic powers. It can transform your life and make you quite proficient at rewriting history. Hmmm.....Okay. I have read a lot of wedding websites by people i know which were obviously embellished. If you want to add some jara, what's my own?

Those of you on instagram harrassing people with your bio #mymanisbetterthanyours #mylordship #Engagedtoagladiatormarryingaking. Una dey forget say people know una? I'm not even going to talk about birthday or anniversary posts. As my mother will say, hide yourself!!!!!!!!  You guys keep forgetting that people know you in real life and yet you have no chill or even shame for that matter.The moment that ring is on your finger, you develop the superhero power of delusion.

Recently, a post under the wedding section of Bella Naija was brought to my attention. I won't say which one. Prior to this post, when i see people exhibit themselves on social media I just laugh and keep it moving. It doesn't really bother me because I get that some people would rather exist in their fantasy world than face reality. However, this particular post left me amazed! Like mouth agape, wipe eyes, wetin i dey read so, amazed! This was from a demon child I know personally, Frenemy Extraordinaire, a rat that would bite you and blow breeze on the spot so you don't feel the pain so that they can continuing biting you, a vicious green snake, CEO of Back Stabbing Bitches Worldwide International Incorporated and now Editor-in-Chief of fairytales.com.

The world is coming to an end!

Word to the wise, when your hands are not clean have the decency to hide yourself. Just because social media is available to all, doesn't mean you should partake in it. You can fool people who don't know you into thinking you and Mohammed are now BFFs, but the people who know you will see you for the pathetic joke you are. You can Photoshop your pictures to make them look perfect, choose the most romantic locations, wear the nicest clothes and come up with a story that could be made into a movie, but what are you doing to do to your evil black heart?

Tufiakwa.................

Twenty Random Things

This is for New Dawn and Ms. Cookie (I had no clue you had a blog, madam. Well done). I have been meaning to do this post for a while now, but nothing was coming to mind.  Digging deep people!

1. I discovered I had a natural talent for drawing in JSS 3. I'm naturally good at drawing what I see. Piss poor at drawing from my imagination. I really like drawing cartoons. As part of healing thyself, I took my first drawing class which ended last week. It was an awesome experience. I intend to take more art classes. I really want to learn how to paint. 
2. I am allergic to Eba. I break out in boils whenever i eat it. My paternal grandmother had the same food allergy. 
3. It is believed that I am the reincarnate of my paternal grandmother. I'm not sure what i think about that. I choose to see her as my guardian Angel.
4. I only have 23 teeth but you can't tell from looking in my mouth as there has been almost $10,000 worth of dental work done (minus insurance). I kid you not! 
5. If i wasn't in medicine, I would be a writer. I actually write and was very recently told by a couple of people including a writing coach that I have a gift and to make sure I keep on writing, but I am reluctant to call myself a writer. 
6. People think I am funny. I have no idea why because i never try to be funny and most of the things i say that they laugh at, I'm actually being serious. Although, i would admit that i do spout some nonsense from time to time, but never with the intention of being funny. 
7. I had to finally admit to myself that I really am a ball of mush on the inside.
8. I got my first speeding ticket this month. The police officer wrote i was going 89 which was a blatant lie, but since it was out of town, I have to suck it up and pay the fine.
9. I hate the Police. Just don't like them. 
10. I shaved my head twice this year. I haven't done that since i was a kid. Prior to the first shave in Feb, I was natural. I love the feel of my bald head. Rubbing it is very soothing. I was tempted to shave it again last week, but i'm going to suck it up and let it grow. 
11. 99.9% of the time, I don't use make up. Didn't do it when i was younger, so never got into it. Although a couple of years ago, I spent some good money on MAC products which i never used until recently. I break it out these days for professional photos and interviews. You will never catch me on a normal day with make up.
12. 99.999% of the time I don't drink alcohol. No reason other than I don't like the taste
13. I worked in a liquor store for 5 years :) 
14. I have never been to a club. True story. The thought of a lot of people in a confined space is not my idea of fun. No interest. I automatically have a headache when people start talking of going to the club. 
15. People who don't know me, think i am quiet. I tend to be more reserved when i'm not feeling the setting. 
16. I never thought there would come a time when I would have no interest in blogging. It's something that makes me very sad because it was such a great outlet and i enjoyed it so much. I wonder if it is related to Anhedonia
17. I talk to my mom everyday. She's the only person If i miss her call, that i try to call back before i go to bed. 
18. I love Crime shows. I've watched all the ones on Netflix and Amazon Prime. Every single available episode. 
19. I don't know if i believe in God but I definitely know what I don't like being around super religious people. 
20. I wear Buddhist prayer beads all day everyday because it reminds me to practice mindfulness and stay focused on the now. I have no intention of becoming a Buddhist or any other religion.

I think i did good! New Dawn is determined to get me back to blogging come hell or high water. I also have another post to complete courtesy of her.  What would I change about my physical attribute or character?

New Dawn, I just want you to know that i appreciate you more than you would ever know. Same goes for Segun Pryme. Ms. Cookie, I read your comment and was actually surprised by it. I didn't think there was anything to miss, but apparently there is and it makes me want to work harder to get to the point where I am okay and enjoy blogging again.

Clown with her pants down

I managed to charm my way into leaving an hour early today.

 Hasta la vista CICU!.

See you on Monday. Sadly. 

I had a huge mug in one hand, Ipad and note book in the other, Stethoscope, Pocket medicine, maxwell, reflex hammer, papers, crap, more crap and a bottle of water in my white coat pockets.

I felt like a coat hanger.

Am I wearing the white coat or is the white coat wearing me? 

That's debatable on most days

As i took quick, giant, don't look at me, don't talk to me strides to the elevator, I notice this dude looking at me. Kind of used to that. The looks. I'm quite a sight on most days. 

Scrubs and Converse almost don't go together in the ICU, not very professional but at least i didn't wear my pink pair today

Still, i took a cursory look at thy self and noticed my scrub pant strings were hanging a little far down to be properly tied.

I got on the elevator with a large group of people and with some stealth ninja moves as i'm practically arm less, I checked and Yep, my pants were untied

Oh boy! 

I got off the elevator and what do you know, all those people got off with me. 

As i walked I felt my pants sliding down.
I didn't need to be psychic to know this will not end well. 

So I struggled to free one hand and in the process spilt some tea on myself but at least i could attempt to hold my pants up.
So I'm walking in front of the people i got off the elevator with holding my freaking pants up with one hand.
 I knew there was  no rest room close by and there was no way i could keep walking holding my pants up and struggling with the freaking huge mug, ipad and notebook in front of all those people

So i calmly respected myself and stopped by a window so they could walk by me,
Ignored the guy walking towards me making no attempt to disguise the fact the he was looking at me holding my pants up. Son of a bitch!
then I jejely grabbed both pants strings firmly,
owned the fact that i looked like a clown and made my way to my locker,
which required walking down three long halls, getting on another elevator and going up 9 floors. 

But i made it without dropping trou

mess.com

*forcing thyself to write*

Privilege

 These eyes have seen

babies born 

some through the vagina

others through the uterus in the OR

some with lots of blood and gore, others barely making a mess

Singletons, multiples

all new life added to the world

 These eyes have seen

fetuses turned products of conception

9 weeks - perfectly formed fingers and toes

10 weeks- fingers, toes, hands, legs, vertebrae, eyes

12 weeks- hands, legs, ribs- look, a penis

15 weeks - even bigger - let's put it all together

My heart skips a bit

I try not to forget to breath. Straight face.

"yes, I'm okay"

These eyes have seen

a body still warm to the touch with undigested food in the stomach

a body with fresh blood dripping from a half blown off head, 

brain and skull missing from where they should be

Lots of flesh hanging from the side of the head, looking out of place.

A decomposing body, dry, shriveled and green, smell out of this world

alone in an apartment, dead for weeks.

No one missed him for that long

These eyes have seen

generous and kind souls who donated their bodies to science

Cadavers - a welcome to med school gift

Block 1 -Cover the heads with towels, Ease them in gently

Depersonalize - Head and Neck is Block 3

Skin off, piece by piece, organ by organ, 

You form an attachment - Our body.
You name her Rosa

 Body transected, skull taken off, looking less human with each passing block 

"What are you having for lunch?"

"This looks like steak"

"I am so hungry!!"

Block 4 - Pelvis and Lower extremities

"We need another penis"

These eyes have seen

fathers, mothers, sons and daughters

communicating one day, intubated the next, dead in a week

obs for colonoscopy prep - just one overnight stay
 goes home 2 weeks later on hospice

come in for an elective procedure, take a turn for the worse

get better, sigh of relief, things are looking up

Flips a switch, DNR/DNI, comfort cares - all in less than 48 hours

family all around, tears, group hug - last breaths

  I say my silent goodbye wishing i could unsee the grief of this family

 I turn around and quietly leave the room, 

careful not to intrude on this scared moment

 as family help their loved one make the transition
from life to death

Shit!

It hasn't gotten easier but at the same time it has.

..........................

Resident Evil .......

........or evil resident. Take your pick.

*This is kind of a dry long read. So proceed carefully. 

Throughout my clinical years in med school (3rd and 4th year), I have only been brought to tears once by an Attending, and that was on my first Medicine month. I was completely and utterly humiliated. Since then I have had other not so pleasant experiences like been kicked out of a surgery which actually made me happy because I hate scrubbing in for surgeries. 

I've never had any issues with residents, the most "negative" feedback I have gotten was that I was too quiet, but my clinical grades were usually good. Fast forward to a few months ago.  I was placed on this team with all females. Two teams shared the team room and the other team consisted of all females also. The rotation started very well.  Everyone was cool. I got the vibe that an intern on the other team didn't like me, but as time passed and people talked, it became clear that it was just her personality and she was grumpy all the time. 

On this team, we took call every 4 days. I was supposed to take overnight call with the Senior, but since a senior and an intern had to be on call and our team consisted of one senior, two interns and one med student (me), if I stayed overnight, the next day there would only be one intern to cover the whole team. So the senior decided I would only take call until 10pm so i would be available to help the intern the next day. I had no issues with that. 

I started this rotation thinking the senior knew I was a SubI since I was at the end of my 4th year. So when she would only let me take one new admission on call days, I asked her for more, but she said I don't want you to have more and do mediocre on all, I'd rather have you take one and do it well. I was like Okayyyyy. 

On call days, she started a competition amongst the interns including the ones on the other team. Whoever can finish and staff an admission within 2 hours wins a prize. 

So first 3 weeks of the rotation went by without any issues. Then Friday of the 3rd week, she out of the blue asked me if this was my SubI and I said yes and i thought she knew. She was like noooooooo, hmmm, so that means we have been under working you. You haven't been doing the work of an intern. I calmly repeated that I thought she knew which is why i initially asked for more patients. Besides, if you are a fourth year most rotations treat you like a SubI anyway, so i don't know where her brain went. Then she said the assignment she gave me earlier, that i hadn't submitted intern level material so i had to re-do it, I was like fine. 

Then she says, well you have one week to prove yourself.  Next call, I'm going to give you 3 admissions, and you can't take 5 hours to do one (that was a jab). I said sure, no problem. We were on call that day and in this hospital, they cap at 10 new admits per team. We capped really early that day before 6pm, we already had all 10, meaning there would be nothing to do overnight.  As the senior resident she sees all the patients, but the interns assigned to the patient sees them and writes the note. So by 10 pm that day when it was time for me to leave there was nothing more to be done. She wasn't doing anything, so I jokingly said, "Is there anything I could do for you before I ditch you?" Big mistake, although at that time i was oblivious to the fact that i had committed a faux pas. She was like hmm...aren't fourth years supposed to say overnight. I was like yeah, but you said i shouldn't. Then she turns to the senior on the other team and starts asking her about work hour restrictions for med students, I was laughing the whole time cos i thought she was joking. She had told me multiple times prior to that day that she didn't want me staying overnight especially since she was pumping every 4 hours and she would have to be bothered by me, If i stayed overnight. Finally she shoos me away and I leave. 

The next day she was post call, so I didn't really see her after morning rounds. After that, I noticed that she was very snippy with me, she also started to micromanage me, wouldn't give me any breathing space, she would give me a long to do list and still say make sure you go to noon report and make sure you are done with all these things before xyz time, knowing fully well that there was no way i could go to noon report and finish all she wanted on time. I would ask her a question, she would tell me to figure out the answer myself. It started to get to me especially since she wasn't that way when I started that rotation. During rounds, if i say one thing, she would attack me in front of the Attending. I was just tell what the hell is going on here. It wasn't making sense and I knew i wasn't imagining it because she was so friendly and nice at the beginning of the month. I was like is this one PMSing, what the hell? 

Then the next call day came and she gave me the first admission. I didn't even have time to finish my progress notes on my other patients, before she told me to start going to the ED to see this new patient. I went to the ED, saw the patient, came up with my assessment and plan, ran it by her and then staffed with the Attending in less than 2 hours. I was very excited because I usually took longer. Then we had to go to radiology to look at an image and she asked me and one of the interns to come along. On our way there, I was like, hey, I finished my new admission in 2 hours, and she was like, are you done with your progress notes for your other patients. I said no, and she said, well then, there's no need to be excited because you are not done. I was like o_O. 

After we got back from Radiology, we sat down to go over my note and she starts by saying that I shouldn't have been gloating that i was done in 2 hours, how do i think someone else who was around but wasn't done in 2 hours would feel. In my mind, I was like what's this mad woman talking about, I was the ONLY one who usually took forever to finish and she was the one that started the 2 hour competition in the first place, so I was baffled. There never would have been any talk of finishing in 2 two hours if she didn't start the freaking competition in the first place and not only that she had told me that I couldn't take forever with any new admission, so i didn't see anything wrong in being excited that I actually finished an admission on time for the first time that month.

Then she went on to say that I need to watch the way I talk because I could be rubbing people the wrong way and not know it (this conversation was taking place in a room full of people). 

TO BE Continued. I'm tired. lol. 

Vex Button Malfunction

Hello Friends, lovers, strangers........

We have all agreed that i'm a blogging failure this year so no need to address that. Moving on swiftly to other things. I have a lot to say about friends and friendships, but i'm usually too tired and brain dead to get into that subject matter, so i've just left it alone. However, when I think i've seen it all, life chooses to surprise me.
Yesterday, this one chic ("friend"), had texted me saying  she would like to go over the changes she made to her rotation schedule to see if it made sense. I asked her to stop by my place later in the evening and we could go over it. Now, life happened and I was stuck in the hospital working on an admission until 8pm. She texted me multiple times asking where i was, I even had to send her a picture to show i was still in the hospital, so we agreed that I would let her know when i was leaving so she could leave her apartment. At about past 7, she texted me that she was on her way to my apartment, I was like you can come meet me at the hospital cos i'm still here otherwise I will be home in an hour. Then she responded that I should let her know when I get home as she would be at my neighbors.

When I was finally leaving at 8pm, I saw that she had texted and said that she forgot that my neighbor had told her she was on call that day, so she wasn't home, so she would just wait for me outside my apartment complex. I finally got home sometime past 8, mind you I hadn't had anything to eat since lunch time when I had a parfait. Before I could get out of my car sef, o girl was waiting by my door. No wahala. We get into my apartment, and start talking about her schedule. Ironed that out and I'm thinking okay, job done dey go make I relax. For where?! She brings out her personal statement. We have been working on this thing since JANUARY!  I wrote my personal statement in a week. No joke. As at 2 weeks ago, her personal statement was perfect. I have used both joke and seriousness to tell her I was done with the madness. So imagine my surprise when she brought it out again yesterday "eh Dr. This said she should add that". I was just weak.

I had to do it right away because she had to send it to the Attending immediately. I was like "come on, seriously?" I asked her if she realized I hadn't eaten and she said I should have told her to get me something, and then said well, she didn't ask. I couldn't even say anything to her.  Normal me for don dey vex, but like those people who get so sick they can't even mount a fever response, I  just couldn't mount a vex response. Na so i start to edit personal statement again o. Oh, it's just 2 lines, it's just 2 lines..... took me another 20 minutes to get it right. Finally, she sends the email while I sit back and think about my life. The only thing i had done to make myself comfortable since I got home was take off my frigging wig. My shaved and reshaved head/hair is growing very nicely, thanks for asking. As any female who has their brain properly screwed on knows, it is beyond a travesty to still have a bra on after 9pm AT HOME. That's a no no. At least in my book. I don't even want to think about chics who wear a bra to bed, that's just incurable masochism, a severe personal problem that i won't get into right now.

Anyway after she sends the email. she says, I have a presentation tomorrow morning at 9am, can you please help me practice? If I tell you I got mad, I would be lying to you o. I DIDN'T GET MAD OR UPSET OR ANNOYED OR IRRITATED.

I WAS TOO SHOCKED!!!!!

I would never in a million, trillion years think of imposing on someone/anyone like that. I don't care how close i am to the person. At least I will let the person eat dinner especially knowing that they had been freaking working ALL DAY. But no o, this chic exists in an atlternate universe. Na so my sister pull up power point on her ipad and pushes it in front of me. LOL. It's funny now. That shit was surreal yesterday. I guess since my vex button was malfunctioning, I figured I might as well help her. I listened to her and actually helped her quite a bit with the presentation, which thankfully was on an interesting topic and I actually learned something.  Finally, at about 10pm,  almost 2 HOURS after I got home, we were done and she packed herself and left my apartment. 

After she left, I was more surprised by my non-reaction than anything else. I was like wow, this shit is broken mehn! I can't even vex like a normal person again. Maybe I was too tired, I'm not just sure what happened last night. Especially since she prevented me from going to the gym. Granted, I kept wondering how someone could think it was okay to do that. I mean, she's not my BFF or anything remotely close to that. So color me confused. I mean she had shown some self centered tendencies in the past, but this was above and beyond anything. I just don't understand people. I think i will just continue to exist in my currently friendless cocoon. I just started to venture out again and acknowledge people, now this. I have no qualms ignoring calls, texts, knocks on my door etc etc, all of which i have done to this chic in the very recent past.

P.S My Attending was trying to give me a complex about my accent this month, but that's another blog post.