Validation

For some reason, i am really touched to know that the people at my job like me. First shift, the tech i worked with told me she loved working with me and she was sad i was leaving. Second shift, I just told the lady i worked with that the 11th of July was my last day and she said "what? You are leaving? Do you know how much we say we like you?" She said she calls me the silent tiger but i'm really quiet until someone (patient) gets on my nerves and i let them have it. I was really touched that they like me and talk about me in a good way. I already know the patients love me cos they tell me all the time. All i get are compliments from the patients about how sweet i am, a couple have said they want to adopt me and become my grandmother. Instead of me getting a swollen head, i am humbled. There are many times that i don't like myself. I don't see what the numerous guys who like me see in me. My family tells me what a great person i am, but i never listen or believe. I am my greatest critic and sometimes my own worst enemy.

Weird where i finally get my validation from. I bet when that lady told me what she told me this evening, she had no idea how much it would mean to me, but it meant a lot cos at work, i am just me. I like working there and help out as best as i can. No eye service, lip service or whatever. I just am my quiet, reserved self (God knows i'm the opposite at home. You can't get me to shut up). Anyway, it meant a lot to me that people would like me just for the simple fact that they think i'm a nice person (especially since it didn't come from a guy). I guess this just goes to show the importance of knowing your worth and understanding who you are as a person.  Enough of the mushy stuff.

In other news, 2 staff members fought at the job yesterday. I know for sure one of them is fired, the other one was taken off the schedule but i don't know if she was fired. The person who was fired was the aggressor or instigator of the incident, but in principle she was right and had a good reason to be angry. Everyone would have been on her side, if she didn't react the way she did. That incident just showed me how much you can lose if you let your temper control you. You always lose more than you can ever gain if you don't have control of your temper. Having a short fuse is my greatest flaw. I'm known this for as long as i can remember. In fact, it's one of my principle characteristics. I get irritated easily. I've been working on it, especially in recent times. I know it's going to be a long process but i am finally committed to doing things differently. I know better, i need to do better.

So between friday and Sunday, i have worked 40 hours, 8 on Friday, 16 on Saturday, and 16 today, Sunday. Just got home, still in my scrubs and i am here kneeling down beside my bed and typing away. Tell me i don't have problems. Maybe i belong in a mental hospital myself. Oh, before i forget, did u guys see the 2nd goal Ghana scored against USA during the extra time? Men, i trip for that goal. I was at work all day saturday, so i missed the live match, but at night before i got off work, they showed it again and i caught the last 2 mins of game play and the extra time. Nice way to end my day. If only it were Nigeria. It's okay sha, i still support Ghana wholeheartedly. Maybe next time for Naija. I think Enyeama is cute by the way. It doesn't hurt that he is good at what he does. Sexy!

He blew me a kiss and made me smile

 

image found here

I don't talk about work not because there's nothing to talk about but because i'm not as invested in it as i should be. One of the things i've had to do at this hospital that i never did at my former hospital was deal with bodily fluids. When i first started, i protested loudly to anyone who would listen (at home. I don't complain at work). My first time was cleaning poop off the floor cos this lady had the runs and couldn't hold it until she got to her room. Housekeeping had gone home for the day, come to find out later that even if they were around, an MHA (mental health associate) would have had to clean it. We clean, they sanitize (hmmm...).

The next time i went to work, i worked on the emergency stabilization unit. This is where the extreme cases are put. I don't like working there cos you don't get a moments peace. Just too much is going on for my comfort. Anyway, during report they talked about this 75yr old man who needed to be cleaned and fed. I'm wondering to myself why he is not in the older adult unit. Anyway, we get to his room, which smelt of pee for days. The housekeeper informed me that I'm supposed to be the one cleaning the urine not her, that they only sanitize. Okay! She decides to be nice and clean like a weeks worth of pee off the bathroom floor. Time to give this dude a bath, and i almost puked. His diaper had at least 3 days worth of shit in it. The stench of fermenting pee was overwhelming. He couldn't get up. He kept rubbing his whole head in this weird way. He wasn't speaking and i wasn't sure if he was understanding what was being said. We finally got him to the bathroom and he sat on the commode. The other MHA left me with him to go get something.

I asked him to take off the diaper and put it in the waste basket and he did that. So i knew he at least understood. He had absolutely no energy. Only God knows how many days he had lain in that bed in that filth without food. He couldn't raise his leg to step into the bathroom, so they decided to move him to a handicapped bathroom. They got him there after much struggle, by this time we had a male MHA helping us. The shower in that room refused to bring out hot water, so the dude was freezing. That idea was aborted, we had to transfer him to a third bathroom. I felt so bad for him. He finally got a bath, some clean clothes and socks. Time for dinner, someone we had been told in report that we would have to force him to eat, ate by himself without any prompting. He ate like he was starving and he probably was. No one had gotten that man out of bed in at least 2 days. They just let him lay there in pee and poo. I just kept thinking that whole time that he was someone's dad or granddad. After he finished, i asked him if he wanted to watch TV. He still wasn't speaking, so i wheeled him in front of the TV. I kept going back to talk to him and see if he was okay.

Things got so busy, we never got around to changing his bedding. When i went to check on him during quiet time, i saw that he had laid back down on his stinking bed and was still shaking. I asked him to get up and sit in his wheel chair and i changed his sheets. The whole time, the dude had not spoken a word to me, but i could tell he understood me, and he was still making the weird rubbing motion of his head. Shift ended and i went home. I only work weekends and have not been put on the unit since. Last week when i worked, patients on his unit were allowed to have group in the patio of the unit i was working on. They are on total lockdown so they are usually on their unit. I saw him walk past, very energetic and i was surprised cos the last time i saw him like 2 weeks ago he could barely stand up. By the time group was over and they were going back to their unit, i was at the nurses station which was at least 5 feet away and i happened to be looking that way as he walked by. He stopped and looked at me for a second. Imagine my surprise when he blew me a kiss and walked away. He recognized me!! That totally made my day. I was grinning from ear to ear.

He reminded me of the grandfather i never had. Interesting how both of them have been at a mental hospital.

Introspection

I think it's interesting how we think we are one way but the reality might be different. That's why i hate those tell me about yourself question. Big med school interview question, btw. Well, my sister told me a couple of days ago that i was condescending and after having time to process it and observe myself objectively, i think i believe her. It was easy for the message to sink in cos it wasn't like we were fighting when she said it. She said it a couple of times while laughing after i said something to her fiance, so i asked later if she meant it and she said yes. She repeated something i said to him and made me put myself in his shoes. What i said sounded totally different from what i really meant. I agree cos when i get into arguement with people and they try to say, i didn't do this or you can't think that based on what i did, i always say that I am the recipient of ur behavior, let me tell u how u came across, cos most times we just don't know.

Being told i am condescending has made me more aware of my thot process especially when filling out job applications. Most of the time i'm thinking to myself what kind of stupid questions are these. I feel like these jobs are beneath me. Now before u go rolling ur eyes at me, let me tell u that i've only had 3 jobs. The first one was working for my dad at his liquor store. I did that for almost 5 yrs. Overlapping that was the research assistant job that became a research technician job, and overlapping the research tech job was the mental health assistant job. So i've never worked in a fast food restuarant or department store or any of the places pple start out working at.

The thot of being paid $8 an hour just totally rubs me the wrong way. I was making way more than that as an undergrad. I wouldn't even have given a second thot to what i was thinking abt this job search process if my sister hadn't said i was condescending. So maybe i am condescending or maybe i'd rather be in school instead of looking for some bullshit $8 an hour job. I don't really know, but i am applying though. I need to pay those bills and i don't do idleness very well. So i guess when the time comes i will get off my high horse and go to work and have a good attitude too. That's what professionalism is all about. At least i learned that from my 6 month stint in med sch. It's so crazy that even when things were at their roughest in school, i still didn't c myself doing anything else. When my M2 friend came over to c me, she asked me if i won a million dollars would i come back to med school and i said yes and meant it. I told my sister yesterday that if it was someone that was making me do this, i would have left it a long time ago, but instead i feel driven not just to become a doctor but more than that. I know my life's purpose lies in there somewhere. I don't think i'm going to save the world or any of that idealistic crap, but I know i have been put on this earth to make a difference. I know it and i will see this journey to the end.

I am paranoid that one of my classmate is reading this blog. He used my computer when we first started school and found my blog from the history. He admitted to reading it and any time he would take my computer he would read my blog. Which i didn't like. I don't know if he was curious enough to memorise my blog url or he just searches for my blog title which is easy to remember. I noticed that someone did that when i was looking at google analytics. Also, someone from the city my school is at has been coming on this blog. Well, i had a reader from that city way before i started med school, so it could be that person. Who knows.

I'm just paranoid esp since right now the dude is not one of my favorite pple. He was the 2nd person in my class that i told what happened. He went and told this chic that i'm not friends with and actually had issues with which he KNEW about and she calls me and leaves me a message. I was so angry. I called him and he opened his mouth to say, i thot u would want her to know. What?!!! At that point i knew it was just gossip. Then he was like, oh, do you know the other person in our class that this happened to. I told him i didn't hear anything and he said "let me shut up cos i'm really sounding like an amebo". At least he got that right. This dude has not once called me to see how i am doing. Not once, since Jan 10th when i told him, and after i called him abt telling that other chic stuff. Not once! And silly me was thinking he was my friend. I went to his church twice and even called him once after service, he never picked his phone or called me back. What kind of human being is that. Yet pple who were my hi-hello friends have called me to check on me or even sent me facebook messages. People never cease to amaze me. I'm still learning sha. I shouldn't be giving everyone the title of friend.