Monday, April 5, 2010

How honest are u?

I'm talking about in relationships. I used to be of the school of thot that there has to be full 100% disclosure on everything when u r in a relationship with someone. Of course, u don't just flood the person with all ur deep, dark secrets right at the beginning but i think as time goes on and you guys get closer then u have to tell everything. If for nothing else, just so the person has all the information to make an informed decision. You don't want to deceive someone into staying with u or even getting with u in the first place.

What about the issue of other guys or toasters? Do you tell your boyfriend about other guys or give him information on a need to know basis? I think it depends on the person you are dealing with. Some guys claim to be able to handle it when in reality they really can't. I used to think being completely open made the relationship stronger, but i think differently now. So now, i keep my mouth shut cos i'm not doing anything wrong and i know if i decide to disclose my newest toaster all in the name of being open and honest, it would result in a one hour fight I don't have the strength for. 

Then there's the issue of the ex. Now if my boyfriend was still talking to his ex, i would be mad, like seriously mad. No, you can't just be friends, that doesn't exist in my world. Maybe i'm being unreasonable but that's how i feel. The guy i dated for 10 months last year was still friends with his most recent ex. They would go out to dinner and the movies from time to time, sometimes just to the movies. I can be very easy going when i want to be so i would usually say this is not cool with me but i can't force you to do anything you don't want to. Ok o. The day that he saw my red eye was after they came back from the movies, they went back to his apartment and i called and she was still there. His excuse was she wanted to hang out and he just couldn't kick her out cos they were friends. I put my foot down after that day. I didn't stop him from talking to her but he knew exactly where i stood on that issue. They never hung out again after that day. But the thing is, I'm friends with all my exes, including this one i just talked about.

When i first started talking to the most recent dude, i would tell him my ex just called and stuff like that. Initially, he acted like it was no biggie, after he got comfortable he started expressing his anger and he would ask how i would feel if he was the one still dealing with his ex. My response was always, "but i know i would never get back with him". Now if the tables were turned and he told me that, that shit wouldn't fly with me. Anyway, it got to a point where he pretty much told me he wasn't down with me being friends with my ex. I thought about it and i really didn't see the point of not talking to my ex anymore. So what have i been doing? I just don't tell him anymore. What happened to being completely open and honest? I no longer think it's worth the headache that comes with it. As long as i know i'm not doing anything wrong, i don't see the point of disclosing stuff that will only lead to me having a headache. Besides, i know for a fact that he only tells me stuff on a need to know basis, so why should i keep running my mouth because i'm the Queen of Honesty, abi?

So i guess at this point i think all the big stuff should be disclosed. Like don't tell me you are 29 yrs old when you are 41yrs old. Yes, that has happened to me before. Would i have wanted to touch a 41yr old man with a 10 foot pole? Hell to the no! So when i was dealt that lie, he took away my right to make an informed decision. So yeah, the big stuff counts. I think the little everyday issue should be on a need to know basis, especially if you are dating a guy who rates himself a 6 on the jealousy scale but in actuality might be an 8 and a half.


  1. Forgive me for being too forward but how can you believe such a lie? I can never confuse a 29yr old for a 41 year old, even if he has had cosmetic surgery. Na wa oh

  2. In as much as there are certain things dat shd be disclosed on an as need requires bases, as humans we always tend to change the rules to suit us and our situation.

    It is important especially in relationships to treat the other person the way we want to be treated.

    Have a fab week.

  3. miss enigma hit the nail on the head
    its always hard being honest
    but i try to be as much as possible
    so i dnt take it when i catch u in a lie
    especially when i hav been honest
    honesty brings about a certain freeedom
    u know theres no reason to worry cos ur an open book
    i tell my bf about toasters and exes
    and we discuss them
    most times we quarell
    but then we settle and i feel better cos he knows
    i expect he tells me too
    but then when i find out about a detail he left out
    it makes me mad
    cos there must be something to hide and something wrong if he is not telling me

  4. MHO, it is basically telling 100% of what you choose to tell, & nothing more

    really, i am not interested in that your truth...there's absolutely nothing good that i might want to do with that information

    about exes, i agree...but if i was talking to my ex, i would never tell her, cuz the truth is, there are some exes that i still want to shag

    be warned, we are not all as good as we seem

  5. Hey...I would gladly be with a 41yr old unmarried guy than the 29yr old dude

    I'll pick experience over youth anytime...but that's just me sha

    PS: if you dont like the ex being in touch with your really shouldnt be keeping in touch with your own ex(es)....

  6. IMHO it is very hypocritcal to keep talking to your ex knowing that you wouldn't like your current bf to do the same thing (but then, you probably already know this).

    If you don't want to be honest, then great, but talking to your ex after your current bf/gf has specifically asked you not to is not a "little everyday issue" that is the kind of stuff that will blow up in your face if he ever finds out.

    What is cracking me up is when you say:
    "I thought about it and i really didn't see the point of not talking to my ex anymore. So what have i been doing? I just don't tell him anymore."

    I just cant wait for the blog post where you are complaining about HIM not being honest with you. If you haven't written that already. Also, did you say you aren't doing anything wrong by talking to you ex? You're joking, right?

    Listen, if your current bf/gf basically tells you to choose between him/her and your ex then you should be able to choose the bf/gf. If you can't, then I don't see the point in being in the relationship at all. How can you choose an ex over a bf/gf? Because that is exactly what you are doing. I dont know the circumstances surrounding the breakup with the ex, but I assume there is be a reason why the two of you aren't together. Is it worth putting your current relationship in jeopardy? If you cant answer that question with a no, then methinks its time to go back to being single.

  7. @Mamuje: Not everyone looks their age. I've met a 40yr old doctor who looked like he was in his 20's.

    @Miss Enigma: I agree. I would want to disclose everything and i used to, but it wasn't worth the stress that followed.

    @BBB: I wouldn't have a prb doing that and i used to but i don't think he tells me everything.

    @baroque: I believe u and i have been warned.

    @Nutty J: That's true, but i have come to find that life is not black and white. Me and my ex split amicably and we don't talk regularly. I broke up with him cos i was no longer attracted to him, nothing has changed.

    @EDJ: I see ur point. I used to be 100% full disclosure honest, but he can't handle it and i can't handle the headache. As long as i know i'm not cheating, i have nothing to worry about. Besides, i think he tells me things on a need to know basis, which i don't necessarily agree with but i pick my battles. The relationship is still young.

  8. i think you are being very hypocritical.granted, i dont know anything whatsoever about relationships but shouldnt you treat people just the way you'd like them to treat you?i mean, you mentioned specifically that you wouldnt like your boyfriend to be talking to his ex but you are doing the same thing and justifying it with..'i know im not doing anything wrong'.so when you do it its alright but when the other person does it..its a big deal?in my head, thats not how a relationship should work.
    take everything ive said with a pinch of salt, cos like i said i prolly dont know much about relationships.

  9. I guess it depends on individuals. I believe in 100% honesty on a 'need to know; if it comes up; and if you ask me' basis. That is also the same kinda honesty i demand from a partner.
    But the talking to your ex behind current's back is a no-no! It will blow up in your face. The fact that its a new relationship makes it worse. You are showing from the start that your are not trustworthy. Remember first impressions . . . . . . . ?

  10. @Leggy: Thank you, now kindly step off ur soapbox. You don't know much about relationships but you know how it would work in ur head? hmmm.... Ok, that's fine with me too.

    I think u missed the part where i said i used to tell him 100% of what was going on, but couldn't deal with the fights or maybe u didn't see the part where i wrote that even though my ex (then my boyfriend) used to hang out with his ex, i didn't stop him until he crossed a line.

    Life is not always black and white. I'll take being called a hypocrite any day over having unnecessary fights.

  11. @Rayo: I don't think it has anything to do with being trustworthy, especially since i used to tell him everything and he couldn't handle it. My ex calls to say hi once in a blue moon. We don't sit on the phone and chit chat everyday. The question is, is that worth fighting over? I have to pick my battles.

  12. The things you choose to talk about should be on told honestly and truthfully. Not everything should be said period.

  13. I think that you should hold yourself to the same standards that you hold your boyfriends (talking about this particular issue sha). Fights and discord aren't pleasant but it's better to have them out sooner than later. If these things are going to cause issues it could be a clear sign that the relationship really won't last in the longterm.

    I understand from your entry that you won't be telling him that you're talking to your ex. If he asks you directly, "Are you still talking to your ex?", what will you say? Let's say you're honest and you say yes, then he may ask how long you've been talking and that might lead to him feeling betrayed and things could turn very sour.

    - - -
    I think sometimes women go overboard when answering questions. For example, if a guy asks you how many exes you have, he's likely looking for a number and not a detailed summary of every relationship you've been in, and it's sometimes the conclusions he draws from what you shared and how you shared it that makes him feel somehow. I don't believe in lying, even by omission, but I think sometimes women go overboard with minutiae when answering a simple question.

  14. Well, I think when you decide to be in a relationship with someone, you should decide to disclose things about your life with them...I am guessing that's what makes you closer

  15. @GNG: if he asks me of course i will say yes, but he has never asked, even when i used to volunteer the information, he never asked. He has specifically told me at this point that he doesn't want to hear anything about my exes. So if i say, hey Mr. Man, ex called me today, am i not looking for trouble?

  16. Well Sting, you know the kind of person he is. If you honestly believe he doesn't tell you everything then I suppose there is no point tell him everything either. I did get the impression that you and your ex talk frequently but if this is a case of random calls every few weeks then perhaps there is no point mentioning it.

    However, I don't believe in withholding certain pieces of information just like you said earlier. 100% honesty is very unrealistic but I think people should be aiming for that. From what I'm reading I am not sure where you guys are. What would you say you are at? 50%? 60%? 70%? I wonder how long have you guys been together? It strikes me as odd that the relationship is so fraught with "issues" here and there.

  17. I agree with leggy in a way. i've been in a few relationships and i believe in being honest about your ex. You think you would not get back with your ex that's why you don't get why ur bf would be angry bout it but look at it from this point of view. You were in like with someone before then met someone else, all that like would not just disappear, maybe that's why he minds you and ur ex talking. BTW I know of pple who were friends with their ex, swore they wouldn't get back but are back together now, the other guyz were just the 'rebound' ppl.

  18. @Renee: I get why he would be upset cos i like stated, i would be upset too if he was talking to his ex, but if that's what he really wanted i wouldn't stop him. I've had that exact scenario happen to me too. The Jamaican dude i dated, swore up and down he would never get back with his child's mother, even though they talked everyday, of course he did when he suddenly realized that she was his soulmate.

  19. I'd once dated someone who lied about his age,When I got to find out, I gave him sweet hell(I loved it giving it)
    The mistake about telling to my beau.E no go happen again, cus when I decided to make coming clean my anthem, that's what has made me single to this date so that's off limits for me.
    I don't see anything wrong with me talking to the ex cause I trust me but my current shouldn't oh.I'd kill me.
    Nice post.

  20. I don't think you're being hypocritical. Your story showed that you didn't complain until dude crossed the line yeah? I mean, I totally I agree with you. I'm on talking terms with all my exes, some more than others. We're friends... The only thing that differentiates them from my other friends is that I've kissed the exes before.

    While I'm not planning to kiss them again, I'll have a huge problem with a boyfriend who tells me I can't even look at an ex anymore. If I have assured the guy that the ex-chapter is closed and sealed off in a safe that no one has a code for, getting that kind of reaction from him would scream insecurity. Insecurity comes right after physical abuse and cheating, on my list of 'Relationship NOs'.

    This means that if I'm not expecting my boyfriend to ask me to ditch all his friends, I won't ask him to do the same. We'd have to discuss situations that go out of hand though - like the ex-babe who wants to spend time with him, ALONE, in his flat; or the ex-bobo who thinks it's cool for me to go on a date with him.

  21. one must be honest in a relationship...but 100% disclosure is a tad unnecessary..i used to tell it all before i was thought the hard way
    P.S babes...will there be a bogsville award this year? i feel something like that is needed to spice up things around here

  22. @doll: GNG is taking care of that. I'm sure we'll hear something when she is ready.

  23. and to your personal story..i will say do to others what you want to be done to you..i mean you know you are not doing anything maybe next time you are with someone that still talks and hangs out with the ex..remember, to give the same consideration..they may not be doing anything wrong as well..

  24. rite i guess evryone has said it treat him/her how u wantto be treated. the qs.. is the ex worth the trouble if ur present guy finds out?

    if ur present guy finds out...he'll be doubly mad as theres the problem that u lied by not mentioning anything and two he clearly told u hes not happy with it..and u carried by the time he says its over go and be with ur ex..ull think hes being unfair but truely u have chosen ur path...u chose the ex over ur present he worth it?!

  25. Interesting post but, i think your seeming action of "As long as i know i'm not cheating,..." is quite flawed.

    Cheating, if i may say in my opinion is not just about the physical which often is within our powers to control.

    However, the more damaging 'cheating' is the emotional one which we have no control over and is 'fanned' with something as simple and innocent as communion.

    Talking with exs is not an issue but, once it has become 'an issue' within the context of a particular relationship with one or both parties THEN, it an issue that should be honestly dealt with.

    Someone once said, when you find 'the one' (or are in a relationship), put ALL your eggs in one basket 'cos the one (egg) you leave out (of the basket) WILL certainly be fertilized by someone else.

    I especially love the discourse on this subject, 'tis very enlightening.


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