Thursday, August 11, 2011

Older and Wiser?

I've heard that as a girl gets older she's more likely to lower her standards and settle for someone that she never would have looked at in her younger years. Settling.....that ugly word. I've actually seen it happen but i don't think there's a single reason why that happens. I had a good friend tell me she keeps going back to her douchebag boyfriend because no one else is checking for her and he's the only one who's ever mentioned marriage. I said Chineke! What is wrong with you? At the end of the conversation, i had to resort to begging her to reconsider her stance and not to settle for crap because she wants to get married. This my friend is very pretty....i don't understand her reasoning. Very baffling.

Anyway, I think that as we get older and have had some experiences, it's easier to determine what's important vs. what's silly in our list of requirements. Let me use myself as an example. This time last year, if you had asked me if i would date a guy who i'm older than, i would have said a big fat NO! Even if he was a day younger, i wouldn't have. As liberal as i am, there's this (Nigerian) traditional side of me that won't let me date a younger guy. Naija girls close to me have done it. My older sister has dated a guy younger than her with 4 years. A former close friend dated a guy 4 years younger than her. Still, i couldn't wrap my head around that concept. I remember when i was a Junior in college and a guy who was 2 years younger than me asked me to be in a relationship with him. My response to him was "what am i going to do with you?" Straight up! I realized later that that was a little too blunt, but that's what popped into my head. I was surprised cos he is Nigerian too and i didn't think they were down with dating older chics. We stayed friends after that but he never went back there. Last year, same thing but this was a very close friend who has always liked me unbeknownst to me but he was 3 months younger than me. I quickly shut it down not just because of the age although that was a major factor.

Anyway, beginning of this year, i met someone who was almost 2 months younger than me. My initial response was hell no! Not going to happen, i don't want to talk to anyone younger than me. Of course, everyone around me was not in support of my "narrow-minded" thinking. Hump! So i figured, won't kill me. I'll talk to the guy. I didn't end up dating him but the experience "softened" my thinking on the age thing. This summer, there was another guy who if all the stars had aligned right I might have agreed to date (but they most definitely didn't align at all, not to talk of aligning right) and he was 10+months younger than me. It was easier to wrap my head around the concept of talking to someone who's younger than me the second time around, and no one is more surprised than me that my thinking on this issue has changed. Last year, i wouldn't even have considered it for a nanosecond. I would have been like "What?!! 10 months? I don't want to be the older woman". That has always been my line.

So here i am feeling good with myself that i can potentially date someone younger than me, i feel accomplished and like a progressive 21st century woman. Then i talk to my childhood best friend and long story short this chic is dating a guy who is 6 years younger than her. I give up!!!! I'm not that progressive. I don't even want to be that progressive. Of course, she's my friend so i wasn't judgemental about it but we both agreed that the guy is still growing up and even though i was saying anything is possible in terms of him marrying her, she shot that down sharp sharp. Dude is too young to marry anyone at his age and even if he wants to marry her, we doubt that his Nigerian mother will allow him to marry someone 6 years younger than him. It's the truth! I guess she's using him to cool down right now. I don't know and i didn't ask.

So i guess as we get older, standards start to change. Fine boy chasers start to look for guys that are not so fine but dependable. I remember a friend asking me if na fine we go chop. I've not given up the fine boy thing sha (I have a love-hate relationship with them)! I have to be able to look at any guy I'm dating and do my part to ensure my future generations are not the butt of ugly jokes. lol.  I was looking at pictures of my niece today when i transferred them to my computer and she is such a pretty child. It's amazing how much she looks like my sister. Amazing. It will be a blessing to have a daughter look like me. but i digress.

So ladies, as you've gotten older or more experienced how has your stance, preferences, rules, restrictions, standards changed in terms of dealing with guys?


  1. "Anyway, I think that as we get older and have had some experiences, it's easier to determine what's important vs. what's silly in our list of requirements"---To me this says it.

  2. dude, i dont think i can wrap my head around the idea of dating a guy that's younger than me. Hell, i dont talk to guys younger than me lol

  3. I think that's pretty much it. The older one gets the more 'realistic' one is. It's just that people wanna be mean/extreme and say "ah you don dey old how you no go settle"...which isn't a complete lie. Cos if you had found someone that checked off all your those [now] silly boxes and both of you wanted to would have.

    Although now that i think about it i can't point to anything/standard i've consciously given up as ive gotten older [guess i've always been a realist...oh maybe therein lies the problem..Choi!! lol].

    I've always been okay with a year or two...still can't really wrap my head around more than that.

  4. rules are no more rigid I would say, I focus on what is important for now and the future before considering other things..

    As for dating people younger, honestly, I still have that bias of dating my age mate or even 2years older..I dunno why, talkless of someone that I am younger than..

    Ha! few days ago, I discovered my so called highschool sweetheart lied about his age abi I guessed.Apparently, I am older than him by a year..I was like ha ok..

  5. I don't think it's about lowering expectations as about being more experienced, seeing life, learning and maturing. Except for those who allow their friends and family determine their lives forever, we also begin to make our own decisions as we overcome peer pressure.

    I like fine and tall guys, always have and I think I got it. But at the end of the day, these qualities and all are in the eyes of the beholder, is it pinted nose and 5'10 or dark and 6feet? For some $70k/pa with Bachelors is good enough, for others it has to be $250k, masters, MBA and above.

  6. true, as we grow, we realize just how many of our requirements were truly ours and important to us, and how many were just to look good to others. This makes it easier to let some frivolous ones go.

  7. Giagerry's quote says it all! I was like that before but my stance has changed.

    We just realise some ideas are frivolous and get real.

  8. LoL LR it wasnt my quote, it was sting's own from the post. heheheheh

  9. I also had that ''traditional concept' but later changed it as i grew older as reality came knocking hard...but settling for someone becox he is MR AVAILABLE, it's very risky....but i understand the societal pressure.

  10. The only thing I think needs to change as a lady grows older is unrealistic expectations, as ladies we tend to have some of those...but settling! GOD forbid! I have decided not to settle and will not!
    I do not advice anyone to settle either. I like me a good looking, well educated nice men and that I shall HAVE!.I can actually date a younger guy I don't have anything against it.

  11. My best ex-boyfriend is about 10 months younger than me. We get along really well even now....I was a lot younger then too so I could not have been accused of settling.

    I am with you in thinking that settling is not a good idea. However, the older you get, the more certain things are not as important and other things are. For example, one may cross "Must have 6-pack abs" off their list and replace it with "Good with children". That kind of thing.

  12. Excellent post Sting, very great post. Age is more than a number, but it's not a deal breaker.My first ever boyfriend was 7 years older than me, at the time we started dating in 07, he was 28...... Things didn't work out between us, Thinking back OMG was he ever immature, I was young and silly I had a good reason to be unrealistic (not really but whatever. lol), but whatever I did instead of him to just talk to me about it, he retaliated. I guess my point is age doesn't often translate into maturity.

    People WILL always judge you for dating a younger guy, that is the truth, but happiness is all that counts, as long as the two people in the relationship are happy. everybody else can go fry ice block.

    1. Ah! I love this post especially cos I went through something similar!

  13. Don't even fret the age thingy knowing I have dated older guys and they were just a bunch of kids on the inside and then younger men that ended up being so smarter, well behaved, romantic and all I need in a MAN. As women , the older we get, it's all about finding a man that is educated, God fearing, romantic and driven to work, you don't want an older man that doesn't know how to have fun but wants you to cook and clean, women love to feel attractive and want a man that loves to have fun. Funny we might be thinking our family would be pissed because we are dating an older or younger guy, they might be pissed but at the end of the day, are you happy? I rather follow my heart, love is crazy and age means nothing. love ya girl!

  14. When I was younger, I liked dudes in baggy jeans, caps, cornrow and bling now if I see them kinda guys I run for my life....
    Young guys were also not an issue for me but as I got older and contemplated marriage and all, I wanted a real man...(erm no offense to the young men)

  15. It has never been a case of older and wiser for me o. If you are smart and mature, I can date you and I have :).
    The important thing is 'What stage in life are you at?' him 20, she 25 is a no no (no matter how mature he seems).
    Him 30, she 35 alright..perfect and so forth.

  16. "Anyway, I think that as we get older and have had some experiences, it's easier to determine what's important vs. what's silly in our list of requirements" GBAM!
    Really, it isnt about 'lowering ur standards' its about being realistic
    When we were much younger, we were idealists, having a picture of prince charming in our heads. as u grow older and u meet people, u realize that it isnt really about the age,the complexion (i hated fair guys, didnt date a lot of good guys when i was younger just cos they were fair. Now my husband is soooo fair!) the height-its about the person INSIDE of him. Older guys arent neccesarily matured guys


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