Wednesday, April 2, 2008

You are dead to me!!!!!

I've got so many thing i want to talk about. To say I'm overwhelmed would be a serious understatement. Let me start with the positive. It's spring time again and I'm loving it. Oh lord, the colors; from pink, purple, different shades of green, yellow, to white (yes, i saw a white tree in full bloom). It's like a visual orgasm. I just love to go out these days just to feast my eyes on all the prettiness that's around me. That's about the only pleasure I'm getting out of life these days. I'm not depressed or anything like that but.....

How do you say "You are dead to me" and mean it? There are a couple of people that need to be dead to me right now, and i can't seem to do it. No, none of these people are ex-boyfriends. I'm not tripping over those anymore. They are dead to me (Ha ha!). Anyway, when it comes to stuff like that, I'm one of those people who are all talk and no action. Anyone who really knows me knows that my bark is much much worse than my bite and trust me when i say the bark is loud. If u don't know me you will be shaking in ur boots when i'm done talking. When I'm really mad at someone I'll always say they don't exist in my world anymore. Yeah right! Two days later, my anger is long forgotten and all that talk was for nothing. Two days is even too long. I remember when i was in SS2, one of my family friends came to fight me cos we had been quarreling (through our friends, the back and forth he said, she said stuff). So i was walking back home from when i saw a friend off, and he was behind me calling my name and i ignored him. I had actually taken a different route back home cos i saw him earlier when i just started seeing my friend off, not knowing he was going to follow me. Anyway, he kept on calling me, and the next thing i knew this guy don dash me back hand slap from behind. I saw my grandmother in heaven. Jesus! My eyes were instantly red. Adrenaline took over, sharp, sharp!

We started fighting on the street like a couple of hooligans. I don't know who was winning but he wasn't beating me that easily, finally i got a strong hold of him in his back with my teeth. I bit the hell out of this boy. I clamped my teeth on this boy's back eh and held on for dear life b4 people came and separated us. I was 2 mins from home, and as soon as i got home it started raining. After crying and cooling off, i saw the dude taking cover from the rain in someones veranda and i sent someone to give him an umbrella cos i felt sorry for him. That's how fast my anger dies down. I have issues don't i?

Back to the people who need to be dead to me. I really need to know how to cut people from my life without looking back. I've been trying to fix my friendship with Cynthia cos i felt the friendship was worth saving, but she has basically been blowing me off. I sent her a message today telling her my mind and she laughed. Yes, i got a text saying LOL........ So now I'm a joke? Why am i the one who's trying to fix the friendship when i didn't do anything? The only new information i got out of her was that my pattern of communication changed? I don't even know what she means by that. I asked her that question since last week Friday, and she hasn't bothered to reply. As much as it hurts me, i think i need to let this friendship go. I'm such a softie and i care about pple too much. It's not working for me anymore. I don't like anyone trying to make me feel foolish. What kind of friend does that. After everything that happened, i swallowed my pride and called her and left her a message to call me so we can talk. I got a text message almost 24hrs later barely addressing what i said. Finally, the next day i got another text that she was busy. She can't even give our friendship the courtesy of a call? I called her over a week ago and she still hasn't bothered to call me back. I expected much more. Them no use the friendship swear for me, i don leave am. But i want to be able to leave it once and for all without looking back. How in God's name do i do that?

I remember when i was talking to one dude who was being mean to me, one of my friends was like just stop talking to him. How hard can it be? She said if it were her, she would delete his number blah blah blah and all that good stuff. When the same thing happened to her, she first formed deleting his number. Within a week, she called me asking if i still had a text she had forwarded to me from him cos she wanted his number to call him. I didn't cos i had deleted the text. She got his number back somehow and called him. She even made me call him cos he wasn't taking her calls. Even after he called me back which confirmed he was ignoring her, she still called him again. This was after all the mouth she had made about how it was so easy for her to let go of guys from her life. That was just hypocrisy in action. I didn't rub it in her face though, but i talk am for my mind.

Besides that i feel like I'm caught in a cross fire. I've got a ton of family related issues that is like a festering boil about to burst. It's almost like in order to be on my mom's side, i have to hate my dad. I wonder how many kids out there are forced to chose sides btw their parents. I bet there are a lot. Anyway, that's a separate blog on its own. I'm stressed right now. I need to go clear my head.


  1. Yay, Im first! I think?!
    Gosh, i know how friend drama goes. I had a friend that just drained me. As in she took more mental space than a boy (and thats alot of my mental space,lol). I had to cut her off: was just too much drama for me. You have tried your best and u did the mature thing!! I think you officially deserve a right to step back right now! So sorry you have so much drama going en ce moment. You'll be fine. Im throwing a cyberhug your way.....xx

  2. The lesson here: Gotta learn to LET GO. I've had scenarios when people really offended and I swore I won't acknowledge their existence. For some reason I cant explain, I felt inspired to call or contact. But i never did. Truth is, if someone's being more of a pain to you than anything else, there's no intelligent reason to keep holding on.
    As for your folks, take it easy, k.

  3. men my sista concerning the issue in you family i do feel your pain but na suffry suffry you go use abeg.just do not let the pressure get to you ok.

    about not being able to let people go, its kinda in your nature plus its a good thing you are always willing to forgive people easily. there is nothing wrong with you my dear but there is a lot wrong with some of the friends you have.

    just continue being yourself dear

  4. letting go isn't easy, but determination will help, especially when you think of the fact that you aren't happy with the way you are beingtreated and could be treated better.

  5. Well I try not to cut people out unless it was a very bad experience….

    How bad is bad??? Depends on how much I like/ disliked the person in the first ..

    Now I am much older, if you don’t have any positive impact in my life…I cut you off…you are not dead to me….I am just too busy to be bovvered!!!

  6. From the story of fighting with that dude and biting him on the back....and immediately it started raining you felt sorry and gave him an umbrella for shows u have a very forgiving spirit.

    And as much as you think some people may be "dead to you," in your heart they are still alive. I think u shd keep forgiving...forgiving causes ur heart to be free to love again.

    So sorry for all the heart-aches. Sorry that u have to choose between ur parents, life is cruel. Try not to let that affect the rest of ur life.

    I like the positivity abt

  7. I think you have a gift but its because people dont notice it that they end up hurting u.

    Hang on to hope. You're a born survivor..psycology of ur write-up says so

  8. You're right - it's easy to SAY you should get rid of 'toxic friends' but it's really hard to DO. Just abandoning a friendship is such a big step and sometimes it's very hard to know when to take it - as afrobabe says, how bad is bad? And woo-hoo, don't even get me started on family! At least you can CHOOSE your friends!

  9. yoo yooo yooo.... Anu boy in the house....

    werin de pop.... TGIF people

  10. Girl you have a lot on your plate, so sorry about that but believe me you can deal with this. First of all take a deep breath and just release, scream, cry or take a long drive. I've been there, what helped me was to put my self first. Once i was on this platform then i was like bring it on...... like you said, clear your head first.

  11. Just dropping in, most likely will be back. I totally felt your blog about marriage the other day.

    -Best of luck with cutting the ties that bind you. Sometimes relationships, with friends or otherwise, are just supposed to end.

  12. @ u fighting dude on the road.
    As per "Cynthia" long as u knwo u tried ur best and she isnt forthcoming, you need to let her go for the sake of ur own sanity. Like you said, they didnt use the friendship to swear for you. Leave her be! Seems to me she is enjoying the mind games she is playing on u and that is def not someone u want in ur life. Some people come into ur lfie for a reason. Sometimes they stay and sometimes they dont. Life goes on. You deserve better.
    I missed reading ur blog sha....why did u have to move? Hiss.

  13. @NDQ: Thanks for the cyberhug. Needed that. I think i've tried my best too although this is not the outcome i would have wanted.

    @Pink-satin: Thanks

    @Onydchic: I'm learning to let people go, but i don't think it's something that comes naturally to be, but i'm working on it.

    @Sasuke: I try to be myself oh, but it's not always beneficial to me.

    @uzezi: I totally agree.

    @afrobabe: I wish i could be like u oh. That would be less stress in my life.

    @jaycee: I know, all na mouth oh. No one is really dead to me. I don't have that kind of heart, but i have to learn to let of go negativity.

    @afronuts: You are so sweet. Stop bursting my head.

    @muriel: It's hard, but i'm learning.

    @anu boy: How u go just come dey advertise urself for here for free? I go start to charge u oh! Take time.

    @Jarrai: I like ur advice. No crying for me though cos that leads to more crying. I like the long drive idea. It really does help me think clearly or forget any distressing thots cos i always have my music crazy high.

    @la reine: I agree. Someone just told me recently that some people come into our lives for a season, and when their purpose in ur life is served they leave.

    @Elle woods: Well, that was my first and last fight on the street. You can't blame me now, i was provoked. Don't worry i'm not moving this blog again.

  14. 1st of all sweets, u dont have issues....u have a very nice heart and i wish i could be like u.....i'd love to be able to forgive people that really hurts to keep a me, i know!

    as per cynthia........leave that child alone abeg, she's not worth ur txt msgs only if u have free txt messagin sha but even if its free, she's still not worth ur thumb......sighs

    family issues-hun take things easy, dont let anything stress u out....holla if u need to talk ight......take care babes!


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