Thursday, April 2, 2009

I don't hate anyone

Okay, i had a moment yesterday. I don't hate anybody. I just hate a lot of things that are going on. This is nothing new, i've been fighting my family issues for years. I grew up thinking my mom disliked me. Whether it was the truth or just my perception is another story, but what remains is that that was my reality. Do u have any idea the emotional deprivation that leads to especially since i didn't have a father or another adult figure to act as a buffer.

I've had to live with the shame of feeling like i wasn't good enough. I reasoned that something has to be wrong with me unless she wouldn't treat me this way. I've tried to talk to her about it, but it always leads to a blow out cos she takes it like i'm attacking her and she's the victim. My feelings are never acknowledged talk less of being addressed. My teenage years were the most horrible years of my life because of this woman. I have so many negative memories of those years. I remember her telling my dad over the phone that i was having sex when i was sixteen and i wasn't. I have never been so embarrassed in my life cos my dad was practically a stranger to me. I only saw him once a year if that.

I don't think she's a horrible person or anything close to that. She just doesn't know how to have a relationship with me. I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to her or get close to her but it doesn't work. She's only friendly to me, when i sister is not around and that is not even always the case. She takes whatever issue i bring to her attention and turns it around, and it becomes all about her and she's the victim. The difference between the way she treats me and my other siblings is so glaring. The only time she talks to me is to lecture me and tell me the things i already know or stuff that's irrelevant. I was so disappointed a couple of weeks ago when she was on one of her lecture sessions and she told me that i talk too much on the phone and i talk to too many people. I only talk to ONE person regularly on the phone and it's never when i'm at home or for long periods cos he's not a phone person and i totally dislike talking on the phone these days. I was like wow, i exist in the same space as this lady and she doesn't even know the first thing about me.

Today was the straw that broke the camel's back. My sister has been very bitchy to me for a good while now, but i try to be the bigger person and still be civil and engage in conversations with her. I'm older than her, yet i have to say hi to her unless she just ignores me and acts like i'm not there. (This is nothing new, she's never acted like she liked me, so it's not out of character for her to behave that way to me). It got to the point where i couldn't take it anymore and told my mom. Big mistake! She spent the first 10 minutes playing the victim card and making the conversation all about her (this is one reasons i never try to talk to her), when i tell her that if she doesn't want to address the issue i'm bringing to her attention we should forget about what i told her, she finally tells me i said something to my sister about my dog and some bullshit that still doesn't make sense to me (I don't want to put my sister's business out there before i get in trouble again). I do not even remember that conversation and what i'm being accused of saying is nothing, cos i was never going to leave my dog behind anyway. I was like is that why she's mad and my mom totally takes her side, and the whole thing went down hill from there. I totally dislike passive aggressive people. These people have been treating me like shit for the last couple of months over some dog comment i made? I was mad. Seriously, in the last 2 months i've had maybe two 5 minutes conversations with my mom. She only answers me when i greet her and thats it for the rest of the day. My sister is even worse than that. I had no idea what i did cos nothing happened. They just turned cold(er) towards me.

I did something i haven't done since i was 16. I threw stuff around. I threw a table across the room, pushed my sister's computer monitor off the table. I didn't care if i hurt someone. I was that angry. Why am i the only one who gives a shit about being close to these people, yet they are holding petty grudges against me. What did i say that was so bad? I've felt like crap for the last couple of months, but i have been brushing it off and hoping it gets better. My mom says all these horrible things about me and i don't even understand how she comes up with it.

I'm at the point where enough is enough. I went to therapy because i was depressed as a result of almost being killed and instead of talking about the issue which brought me there in the first place i spent 95% of the time talking about my family issue. I've had enough. I refuse to force myself into a relationship that is not emotionally healthy for me. These people are not concerned about my well being, as far as they are concerned i am a robot with no feelings or emotions. Why should they give a shit how i feel. Thank God i didn't get into a school in Georgia, Morehouse even sent me a rejection letter yesterday. 13hrs is far enough for me. They can pretend that i no longer exist after i leave. I'm sure that would suit their purposes better.

P.S. The usual advice i get is try to talk to ur mother, blah blah. Be straightforward and lay the issues out without any emotion. That shit doesn't work with my mother. I have tried NUMEROUS times. As far as she is concerned i'm this horrible, difficult child who she can't understand or deal with. Besides, it's always about her anyway, who gives a shit how i feel.


  1. firstttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

  2. now i'm going to read it

    i'm also seconddddddddddddddddd

  3. wow, when i saw the title before that u deleted i thought u were just joking but this is serious stuff that has been building up.

    okay, one day at a time, med school is still like four months down the road so please do this

    1. stop talking to your mother about your feelings on the issue, i am all for cutting people out of your life if they bring u nothing but drama but this is family so i can't advocate that, but try as much as possible to be civil.

    2. it doesn't make sense but beside your sister and ur mother is there anyone who can tell u about your childhood and her's maybe she is holding something against u that u had nothing to do with, sometimes it helps to see it from her side. now this won't make the situation better but at least now u may know where she is coming from

    3. pray like crazy, be nice but expect NOTHING FROM HER OR UR SISTER.

    4. no throwing things around anymore FOR REAL they could call the cops and u could end up in jail and then med school goes down the tube. so please leave the room leave the house get away when u are angry but don't stay there

    5. share with someone, anyone, if u need to open another blog then do it but don't keep it bottled up

    6. remember who you are, yes i can only imagine how much it hurts not to have a mother's love but you are more than that and please NEVER LET HER MESS WITH YOU MIND. you are chosen by God for a reason so never let her convince you otherwise, never conform to her vision of u. u are soul and beauty and emotion wrapped in a human shell that sometimes makes mistakes but u are special

    okay i'll stop now
    and say a prayer for u

    hang in there


  4. 7. i'm third

    have a blessed weekend

  5. Girl! I feel your pain. I can relate to what you're telling. I 've had MAD family problems myself for many many years.

    I agree with a lot of things that Kafo just said, but I don't think you should take anyones advices literally without thinking about what suites you..I'm not even sure you're asking for advice. I know often I don't want to hear advice I just want to vent because I need it.
    Regardless of wanting advice or not - it's only you that know your family and your mother, what's been done in the past and didnt work etc. Therefore i am not going to give much advice except a few things I know because I've BEEN there. Having difficult parents who are not willing to care or see my side of things.
    Of course its not good to throw things around but I've done it too and what's done is done..when we get hurt we lose our's very sad and unfortunate your mother is so closed up like this and honey believe me I know everything about the emotional deprivation it leads to. Not to mention all the other psychological insecurities..
    "Why am I the only one that gives a shit about being close to these people" AHHH!! i FEEL YOU!story of my life..

    My encouragement for you will be this;
    - Be strong, fight for yourself ( I don't know you but kafo mentioned something about
    - You said a good thing when you say you refuse to put yourself into a relationship that isn't emotionally healthy. Good for you. From what i can tell with the little knowledge you just gave me - your mother is not going to come around this just be patient..I KNOW! but just be..that's the only thing that worked for me. Talking doesnt work when you're talking to a wall. Eventually one day maybe she will come around, but meanwhile don't stop your life and try to not cry too much over it. You're not alone ok? If you're moving out and making some responsible changes in your life, get away from her for a bit she will probably realise a few things.. I will pray that when the time is in, she is not too proud to come around to you. Big hug
    P.S Not implying you're doing anything wrong, but while waiting for her, it's always good to search yourself for what you can do to be an even better person as well. The more right you do at least she's got nothing on you and it'll be harder for her to be so tough on you.
    sending much love your way.

  6. You need to find something else that you can focus your energy on. I know the feeling of wanting your 'chi' to be all calm and proper, but you need to take care of you right now.

    They have found a way to be indulged in whatever they're doing and fashi you, Do the same for yourself as well. It may seem difficult to put forward a calm facade when it doesn't really exist, but you have to fake it till you make it. you get?

    My dear, PRAY o. Pray like crazy. I wish you all the best hon. God bless you.

  7. I am glad you have identified the issues. Be strong for yourself and don't let anyone get you down.

    You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. Since you are going away, I suggest you just keep contact to the barest minimum.

    The strain of keeping up with people who appear not to care can be very hurtful. Surround yourself with things that make you happy, people, stuffs etc.
    Try not to worry too much about. People without family live and are happy so why laden yourself with all that trouble?

    I wish you the best. I also pray things change for the better.


    Close your mind from looking for any affection from your Mum and sister, it will only lead you to more hurt. Find some peace and bide your time. Don't let any major drama escalate and threaten you going to uni. If you can last till then you will be able to live a different life and make your own new 'framily'.

  9. I really hope that the situation changes so that you feel more included and wanted by your mom and sister especially.

    It sounds like your mom is very set in her ways (as are most adults), and as a result, change (if it ever comes) often takes a bit lightning bolt of a situation to happen. I honestly hope that she and you get through this and you can look back on all this time as a dark period one day.

    I think sometimes distance can be a good thing, and I hope it is on this case.

    Sorry for the all the platitudes. :(

  10. *Sigh. Sting, I feel your pain. I feel it like it were mine. You will know that I've got my own issues too if yo read my last post. I often feel like no one's on my side. Like I'm alone, and I'm the only one reaching out to make amends. There was also a time when I almosthated my mom, but I've growm to apprecate her, and know what the boundaries of our relationship is. I now love my mom.

    Gonna have to agree with Luscious Ron on this one. Put some distance in there. The situation is not healthy for u, and u need some space. I'm hoping going away to med school will provide u that opportunity.

    You are in my thots and prayers, lady!

  11. I can totally relate.
    When I was younger, it was like nothing I ever did was good enough for my mum. It was horrible. But somehow we worked our issues out. She even apologized. I dont really have words of wisdom except PRAY about it. Somethings only God can work out...

  12. I am with NDQ on this one. Pray about it. (((hugs)))

  13. Sting, I am sorry you are going through what you are going through. I dont have or know the right words to tell you but i hope everything works out well for you. You are in my prayers

  14. Oh wow! I can't even imagine what you must be going thru. Every one has written well. I think the distance will be good. Ultimately, you have to continue to tell yourself that it is not your fault that people are the way they are.Do not let them mess with your mind.

    Keep your head up. Stay focused on the things you love and surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you. Stay prayed up babes!!

  15. I feel your pain girl, I grew up with similar issues btw me and my mom, leading to severe self-esteem problems for me as a teenager. Seriously, it was only God's grace and prayer that brought me out of it. I've had to let a lot of things go to have a decent relationship with my mum. It's not easy but my dear, try to forgive her, limit her access to you and move on with your life. She might change, but it's unlikely so don't put your life on hold waiting. Pray about it too because God understands and He's the only One that can give you Peace. All the best.

  16. keep uf fam at arms length, if they are making u feel sad, or depressed. If they dnt care, care bt nt in close proximity.

    Take it easy! its hard putting urself out der just to be shut down...lifes a bitch!


  17. I don't know what to say love, this almost made me i'm just gonna send you some cyber hugs..


  18. Aww Sting..

    I won't lie to u by saying that I feel u or that I can relate. Since talking won't help, I guess u shud distance urself from them. Hopefully, as time goes by, they'll realize what they r missing and make ammends.

    I'm really sorry hon..

    Lots and lots of hugs..

  19. WOW! alot has been said theres really nothin new i got2say...i feel u jare pele....u r alwais nice u dnt deserve crap

  20. I read this post, and my heart went out to you. You dont need my pity, but I feel your pain. I wouldnt repeat everything that has been said, but I will add my hugs and prayers to the batch. If I am able to give any advice at all, I think you should go somewhere to cool off (if u have anywhere to go), and cut off from them for a while to think things over rationally.

  21. i really feel ur pain...mayb its time to accept thts the way they will always be and seek ur happiness from other support systems e.g friends,colleagues...etc

  22. Hmmm this is a difficult one o. I will just like to say you shd just keep being yourself. Your mum will turn around some day. Kafo said a lot of insightful things.

    I may not be in the best place to advice you as I have cut off so many people from my family including my only brother from the same mum. They caused me nothing but pain... so off they go

    My mum and I had a cat and dog relationship for a long time cuz she felt she needed to protect me and refused to let me breath... hmmm it was not easy getting close cuz for a long time I kept things t myself or wld share it with friends....

  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

  24. its been a while i stopped by here..howdy??

    so sorry to hear about you, your mum and sibling. i dont even know wat to say.

    maybe it is a good thing you are leaving home..maybe the distance might help everyone see things more clearly?'s a cyber hug from me (((hug)))

  25. I guess you must have heard it all by now. But my 2 cents say-

    Don't hold anything against them- which is what you have been doing, so continue.


    Leave the rest to God.......

    DON'T try to reach out to them........leave them to reach out to you (If they bother)

    Let it'll heal.

    PS: when you have your own family- Make sure you don't repeat the cycle.

    PPS : Move Far FAR away.....

  26. PPPS: Always remember that they are family, as crazy as they are to's one blood.

    Have that at the back of your mind.

  27. i get you. . .i can relate to a lot of the things you post's actuallly kind of freaking me out. . seems like i'm sharing my life with someone else. . lol. . about your mum, my mum kind of was like that too but she's started changing recently. . .i'm definitely sur that the distance will do you both good. . .but then all your life?? that's really deep you know. . i once heard, "family isn't always the one that loves you best". . yeah it's your mum. .nd your sister but really u cannot force them 2 like you. . you do your bit and que sera serai. .

  28. Hey Sting,
    I read this when u posted but I really didnt know what to say. and I didnt want to leave some empty platitudes.
    After thinking about it for a while (yer, I am VEWY weird) I have decided that the only thing I can tell u is to CHOOSE URSELF! Watch out for u first. If they arent what u need, the universe has a way of bring Love from places u wouldnt even Imagine. XOXO


Hey guys, welcome to my blog. Sit back, relax, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy!

  © Blogger template Writer's Blog by 2008

Back to TOP