Monday, April 6, 2009

How

If you always do the same things you've always done, you'll always get the same things you've always got!

I saw this on a piece of paper at the hospital last weekend. I figured i could apply it to my current situation. I appreciate all the comments you guys left on my last post. I wish things were better between me and my mom. Regardless of how mad i am at her, i love her and appreciate her for everything she's been through and had to endure to ensure she raised us right. She is one of the most hardworking people i know and i wanted to be just like her when i was younger. Her story is the reason why i became interested in women's issues and identify as a feminist today. She has been through a lot and i'm really proud of where she's at today. I really hate that we are not close cos i would love that, but i know it would take a lot for that to happen. I think this is the best time for me to leave home cos it would help our relationship. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, abi?

I've looked at myself. God knows i'm not perfect but i can say I have done the best that i am capable of doing. I've tried but no one wants to meet me halfway. I'm sure she would have a lot to say about why she's not close to me, which is fine. The problem is i'm not aware of what it is. How can i fix anything when they don't even bother telling me what needs to be fixed? I have a lot of anger inside of me and i think besides me being short tempered naturally, I've used anger as a coping mechanism for so long. When i was younger, i didn't have control over anything that was happening. There was no one to talk to, so i would lash out because i was trying to be heard. They heard me, but they never heard what i was really saying. My mom couldn't see past the displays of anger and understand how unloved and unwanted i felt. I've been dealing with these negative emotions for too long, and i have to figure out how to let them go.


I acknowledge that i am responsible for my actions and my feelings are my own and i'm entitled to have them. I can only do what i can do and cannot make anyone else do what i would like them to do or be how i would like them to be. This situation is bigger than what only i can handle or fix so i'm letting it go. I'm going to focus on forgiveness and understanding so that i can begin to heal my mind and my relationships with people. I need to get my mind right for myself so i can be the best me i can be.

7 comments:

  1. You have made the right decision dear. Geeting your mind right is very important, hopefully things with ur mum will work themselves out in due course.

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  2. Hang in there...
    Take good care.

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  3. thats the spirit..good luck hon..

    *hugs*

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  4. How did I miss this? It came up in the past :(

    Anyhus, I'm glad u are taking steps to address the situation. We love you hear at blogville. Take good care of urself.

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  5. one day at a time

    i love your perspective now

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  6. good. take your time and things will come good.

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  7. Well done. It's not easy to come to these conclusions. Moving away sounds like a good idea. Like I said to your last post, I had the same problems with my mother and they're solved now, they got solved after I moved away. And I think if I moved back long term, the same problems would just come back again. I've gone back for 2 weeks and it almost crashed again. We needed our distance.
    I really understand what you mean when you say they were listening but not truly hearing what you were saying. I'm so sorry! Just know it's not your fault and don't ever believe bad things about yourself because of their lack of understanding! I pray you will feel stronger and better.

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