Sunday, March 16, 2008

On blogging

This is my fourth and final attempt at blogging. I deleted my first blog after 30 posts in March'07 cos i was depressed and didn't want the added chore of blogging. My second blog which i loved lasted from April to Dec and i had 81 posts b4 i basically had to run away from the blog cos my anonymity was severely compromised. Then my third blog i deleted after 8 posts cos i hated the way the blog was, all dark and gloomy and also cos i was freaking out that someone i knew had found my blog again.

Is it reasonable for me to expect that when my close friends discover my blog they tell me? Even though my blog is supposed to be anonymous anyone who knows me would know as soon as they read my blog that it's me. I don't try to disguise anything that i write about and in a huge way i think that has worked against me. I don't have a lot of friends, in fact i have no friends in the state i live. Last year, i suspected my closest friend had discovered my blog, i asked her and she denied it. However, using sitemeter and what not, i found out that someone who lives in the same area as she does was always coming to my blog. I felt it could be anybody and honestly didn't worry about it. I asked her if she would ever tell me if she discovered my blog and she said no. How could i tell her that i feel she ought to tell me, given the fact that she knows 98% of what is going on in my life and since it's my blog i might want to blog about her. Anyway, she said she wasn't going to tell me and i didn't force the issue.

When i knew for sure that she was coming to my blog, was when something happened btw me and her and some dude and i noticed from the "feedit" feature that someone from her area was constantly coming to my blog. I just knew it was her. She was expecting me to write about it and for that reason i didn't. Prior to that i had noticed that she didn't call me like she used to and when i would call her she would not pick up the phone or return my calls. It got to a point that i had to ask someone else to call her to make sure she wasn't just ignoring my calls and she was fine. Her excuse was that she was busy. We have been friends since 2003 and it was obvious that there was more to it than that.

When a mutual friend of ours called me and asked about her, i told him i hadn't heard from her in 2 weeks which is highly unusual cos we used to talk at least 5 days a week. I told him she said she was busy and i have to reason not to believe her, although i personally thot there was more to it than that. A week later, he sends me a text that he spoke to her and she said she was mad at me, that there was important information that i should have told her that i didn't. I was baffled cos there was nothing that had happened to me that i hadn't told her besides the medical school interview that i got. I didn't tell her about it, but i wrote it on my blog. Hmmmm..................

She went on to say that she was very open with me about her life but i don't tell her stuff about my life. What the fuck? I told this chic every single thing that happened to me, which is very unlike me btw. Did she want me to tell her every single thot i had in my head or if i had a boil on my arse? Funny enough, i probably would have told her if i had a boil on my arse. Anyway, my friend tried to get her to say what exactly i should have told her that i didn't but she refused to talk. I sent her a series of text messages inviting her to talk to me about it and she basically blew me off. I ended up telling her that i hope she had learned her lesson about being sneaky cos the truth is, she couldn't open up and tell me what was bothering her cos she had lied to me previously that she wasn't reading my blog, so there was no way she could explain how she found out all the things she claimed i didn't tell her. She couldn't have heard anything from other people, cos we don't have a lot of mutual friends.

I don't understand human beings. Me and her were supposed to be close, she was my closest friend in the States, i told her things i didn't even tell my sister, yet she reads my blog behind my back and has the audacity to get mad cos there were some things she saw in my blog that i didn't tell her. She totally turned me off blogging cos it was almost as if she had stolen my diary and read it. There are a lot of things i would write about on my blog that i wouldn't think of telling people that know me. Initially, i was upset that she obviously did not care about saving our friendship as much as i did, but now i'm okay with it. I guess she has served whatever purpose she was meant to serve in my life and it's time for her to move on. Some friendships are not meant to be forever and i think sometimes God places people in our lives to help us get thru stuff. She was there for me thru a lot of trying times. I made sure i told her how much i appreciated her being there for me but now i think it's time to move on. I'm not going to beg a grown woman to be friends with me or to act her age and work things out. It's sad that the friendship had to end, but i've made my peace with it.

I love blogging. It is a source of comfort/therapy for me. I'm not going to stop cos a bunch of people have got their britches in a bunch. I'm accountable to no one but myself. I don't think i'm obligated to tell anybody every single thing that happens to me.

To you: I never said you were my best friend and even if you were i reserve the right to keep some things to myself until if or when i feel comfortable to share.

Even though this blog is anonymous, it's very possible that people that know me might discover it and know it's me. That totally fine with me. Read at your own risk cos i will write about everything and anything i feel like. You have no right to start tripping over anything you read on this blog. My sister made me delete my beloved blog (81 freaking posts), a year of my life all gone, just becos i wrote about her. I didn't mention her name, but still i had to face the firing squad of my mother and my other sisters. How dare i write about my family online. Seriously???!!! Am i the only one that knows the meaning of anonymous?

Alright, i have said my piece. Read at your own risk!


  1. yeah i've terminated a couple of other blogs over the years too, glad you decided to come back to it. I've never had a friend contact me on my blog but back in the day when i was on naijaryder i had a classmate figure out my identity, then come to school calling me by my username on the site like he had cracked a big code or something.
    I wonder why she said she wouldn't tell you if she discovered your blog online, i mean its not like you would kill her or anything.
    Anyway you are right, having to end a friendship over such matters is sad, but you did nothing wrong and you also made an attempt to reconcile with her, which she refused.

  2. While I understand your need to remain anonymous, it must really hurt to delete your posts. Kinda like erasing a part of you.
    I like your new spirit though. Feel free to write about whatever. Its your life.
    By the way, your blog looks fantastic!

  3. My guess is that after she reads this, she will know it's you again. Make you no delete this one again ooo

  4. first off, you need to know that its a great risk writing on the internet, cos anyone and everyone POTENTIALLY has access to it.
    second, if you want to maintain ur anonymity for long, dont talk to people about your blog. It might take an effort, cos if u dont talk about blogging, no one would go looking for ur blog.
    third, you really need to ignore these folks,...or stick to writing about non-personal stuff.
    I'm not entirely anonymous, couple of people know my blog, and I no send them, I can't shout.
    however, i try to make sure not too many people discover me.

  5. It is a shame you guys are no longer friends. Maybe she didnt tell you because you never told you had a blog and she knew you were trying to keep it anonymous. But blogging is comforting, especially when you are able to write what you want without worrying about other people or having to be politicall correct.

  6. @ okrika girl, I have no idea why she wouldn't tell if she found my blog.

    @Tobenna: It really hurt to delete my second blog. I loved that blog. Thanks for the compliment on my fantastic looking blog.

    @vera: I don't care if she knows it's me. I'm tired of catering to people's feelings and needs.

    @bumight: I'm trying to find a balance btw not talking about people (which i usually don't) and writing about non-personal stuff. Most of what i want to write about is personal stuff. I guess i'll just leave out the very personal stuff. Sigh!!!!

    @beautiful soul: I told her i had a blog. I even told her i used, and we were both laughing as she was trying to guess which one was mine. I totally agree that blogging is comforting. It really is.

  7. i thought about deleting my blog when I realised that alot of people who I know and might potentially want to blog about read it. i figured they read at their own risk its whatever!

  8. wow am kinda getting confused, this is my first time bloggin. me and my big mouth sef, av told a couple of people and i know the person i blog abt is tryna find me...i went thru the computer history and noticed some strange tampering....someone shd pls tell me how to get fidjit abeg..

  9. hey you! you have been a somewhat constant visitor to my blog and i have tried on countless number of times to visit yours but all my efforts were futile.

    reading your post has now shed more light on why you were so inaccessible.i do understand your need to be anonymous so i am going to make this your call, so i would appreciate if you invite me to view your blog. an acceptance comment on my blog would do.


  10. I realise blogging is better when its annonymous but I decided long ago that I din't really care who runs/bumps/snoops into it...Read at ur own risk!!!

  11. @nigeriandramaqueen: I guess that's the right attitude

    @soupasexy: You can get feedjit by clicking on the feedjit feature on when u see it on someone's page. It usually says "click to get feedjit"

    @sasuke: I don't intend to go private or delete my blog, so u can always find me here. However, if i change my mind, i'll definitely let u know.

    @afrobabe: That's the spirit

  12. sweerie, honey pie don't delete this blog again abeg, i've been lookin 4 u all over d place, remember ur last post on ur other blog? about d dude? i wanna knw how it ended, pls tell u stopped talking to him...u did right?

    p.s ehen my dear dont delete ur blog cos of anyone, no matter where u run to they'll still try to find u so just stay where u are.
    Someone's been hacking my blog but i still havent deleted mine, they've called me whatever they can call me but i still wont go, when there tired, they'll def stop.
    come lets share a big big hug n kiss too.

  13. I am not totally anonymous either. A couple of my friends and family know my blog. I do not care, really. I love to write. It is for me, not for them.

  14. @dL: You so sweet. You made me smile. I needed that hug. I'm going to blog about the guy just cos of u.

    @Waffarian: That's exactly how bi feel right now.

  15. chick, I was beginning to lose my mind. I stay current with people's sites using a feed reader, and I was a bit surprised when it told me your feeed no longer existed... Tell a sista when you're about to change your blog name!

    As for the whole anonymity thing, there's a saying going round these days. If you don't wantpeople to see something about you, dont put it on the internet.

    At this rate you'll be changing blogs every other month. If you know people will find out (and if you really care), then try and limit what you share with the world.... I dunno. I realised a long time ago that its only what I won't mind a not-too-close friend reading that I'll put up, cos my nick is very popular, and many people know I have a blog.

  16. Sting,
    I hope you will not delete this your stream of consciousness.

    Life is full of lessons.
    Nothing is lost, except that which was never found.

    A word can mean the whole world to someone.

    What you are relating and sharing could be what someone you know or a stranger needs to overcome the challenges of life.

    If I may advise you, do not delete and waste these testimonies of the experiences of life, because there are millions of people who are lonely and come on line in search of words of comfort and empathy.

    Americans and Western Europeans publish their journals and what I have read so far should continue to become a book one fine day.

    How did you think the Holy Bible was written?

    We are the living vessels of the Spirit of Life.

    "Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour?"
    ~ Romans 9:21 (King James Version)

    What matters most is not the shape, size or colour of the vessel, but the content.

    "1. The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;"

    "2. To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;"

    "3. To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."

    ~ Isaiah 61: 1-3 (King James Version)

    Let me tell you a strange but true story.

    In 1992, a beautiful German blonde on an exchange programme in Nigeria was at the Bar Beach on the Victoria Island and using her nimble fingers to scribble letters and figures in the sand and erase them. Not far away a Nigerian youth was watching her and came closer to her to see what she was scribbling in the sand.
    He saw that they were abstract drawings.
    "I know someone who can understand what you are drawing in the sand," he told her.
    She looked at him with glints in her blue eyes. She was anxious and curious to know the person the Nigerian youth said could understand her abstract drawings.
    He told her all about him. He said they were neighbours and gave her the address of their residence.
    She went to look for him and found him in a ramshackle bungalow on the Bajulaiye Street in Shomolu, Lagos.

    It was a strange meeting, but she felt at peace in his presence. He could interprete all her abstract drawings. That was the beginning of a new chapter in her life until she returned to Munich.

    You never know who is reading you and how your words could be the rhema of enlightenment for the patient reader.

    As the winds blow
    So the rivers flow
    So the plants grow.
    Yet you wonder what makes the firefly glow?
    Imagine a winter without snow
    Yet I have seen a summer without a swallow.

    Cheers and God bless.

  17. glad i found your blog. hope all is well with you.

    scary, but you sound just like me with the deleting blogs thing. you MUST be a pisces :-S



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