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I really don't like talking relationship stuff on this blog for a lot of reasons but i appreciate the advice u guys gave. CultureSoup asked "if you don't like his character what's the point of finding out whether he wants to be in a relationship with you?" Best question of the year, cos it made me stop and think and i'm still thinking.

So did i stick to the plan? Not exactly. According to the plan, i'm supposed to call him later this evening, but seriously, I didn't know if i could be in suspense that long. However, i acknowledge that sometimes u have to give pple space, so i didn't respond to his annoying text on Friday evening and i left him alone all day Saturday.  After i got off work yesterday, i called him. He answered on the first ring (literally) and said "Hey, i was just about to call you". I asked him how he was, and he said he had been sick. He sounded really bad, and i was like,"Hmmm.... there was no plan for if he was sick. Do i still talk for 1 min or do i just talk to him seeing how he was sick". I figured, u know what, this dude has been annoying me for a hot min so whatever. I did ask about his symptoms cos i'm not that uncaring, but the conversation was very short. I told him i was tired from work (which he had earlier asked me to quit btw and he will pay my bills, but i had refused) and that i wanted to spend some time with my dad who was visiting for a day.

I sent him a couple of texts abt some stuff my dad was trying to do that he had a question about and he responded and then called me this morning with a more detailed response. The "script" did not call for me calling him at all, but i figured it would be nice to see how he was doing since he still sounded really bad when he called. So i just called him a few minutes ago, he's still very sick, he sounds horrible, he feels horrible, and he has no idea what i had planned for him, so we are "normal".

To those who asked, why i haven't just straight up asked him what he wants. Trust me, i have. I even gave him an out on Friday. Regardless of how upset he makes me at time, one of the reasons, i haven't walked away is this. Even though things did not turn out as i would have loved with regards to school, i wouldn't have been able to get through the mental stress of last semester without this dude. He was like a God sent angel, i swear. He was more than there for me. He was very supportive, understanding and encouraging. He pushed me towards God again and got me to believe in prayers and go to church (something i hadn't done since 2003). I got to see the best of him at that time.

I probably seemed like i hated his guts yesterday, but i really don't. I was just frustrated at myself.  I don't always like how he handles issues, like Barefeet mentioned in her comment, he shuts down when i start to talk. It's almost like a machine that has a total malfunction whenever there's sign of trouble, but when are getting along, it's like we are best friends. Break ups are not easy for me to do, especially when i like the person. When i walk away from all this, i want to be sure that i gave us a chance and i wasn't hasty in ending things. I never want to have any regrets. With that being said, i still think i need to give him some space. I need it for myself also.

Relationship games

Sometimes in life, despite our best intentions or our best efforts things don't always turn out as we would like. Right now, it seems like nothing is going "right" in my life. I had to take a leave of absence from school and go back in August to start over, the only thing worse than that would have been if i was kicked out of school. So as sad as i tend to get at times, i have to remember that. It doesn't make me feel better, but i remember it.

My relationship is crap! That's my head talking. He's a fine, fine boy. That has always been my weakness. I too like fine boys. Then again, I'm not bad looking myself. One of our ongoing battles is who is better looking, cos as much as i get compliments, he gets compliments also. The worst is all those shameless girls on facebook. Idiots. Anyway, i often tell him when i'm pissed, which is often these days, that his face was wasted on him cos he's such a horrible person. Horrible, horrible, selfish bastard. U will be SO wrong if u look at his face and use that to form an impression of his personality. He's an asshole X10! I think he was asleep when God passed out the niceness gene. Fine for nothing.

Tell me how the relationship is going to last when i think such nasty thots about him, but that's the reality. When i look at how he treats me, and i see all these guys that are dying to be with me (no joke or exaggeration), i wonder if i have lost my sanity somewhere. I'm taking deep breaths. Why can't i just walk away?

So right now after a series of events, i'm in the middle of playing relationship games as advised by one of my closest friends and endorsed by that devil's cousin.

• Don't call him for 2 days
• On the third day call him for no more than a minute (his cousin said i better set a timer so i don't exceed one minute cos he knows me)
• Then wait and see if he calls me the next day. 
• If he does, act normal like everything is fine. La dee dah!
• Let him keep doing all the calling for a long time, until the relationship is balanced. 

OR

• If he doesn't pick up my call on the third day, give him an hour and call again. Maybe he was away from the phone (talk true!). 
• If he doesn't pick up the second call, call one more time. 
• If he doesn't pick up the third call, never call again. 

OR

• If he picks up the call and I talk for the prescribed one minute but doesn't call the next day or the next day, don't ever call him again. 

OR

• If he happens to call me before the 2 days are up, then talk like normal. Nothing happened, i'm not upset. We are still BFF's.
• But let him do all the calling for a long, long time.  

My response to all this was, what the fuck is this nonsense about? Why should i be playing games at this age. His cousin's response was "Shut up and do it, you ask too many why's". Their point is, if i follow this plan to the tee, i would know for sure if he really wants to be in the relationship or not (like say na me toast am in the first place). He said i am no longer in control and i need to get that back. I should be the pursed and never the pursurer.

Na wa!

At this point i have to accept that sadness and disappointment are temporary and everything is going to be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Wallowing

• This is the worst time of my life
• It's not fair
• Why did this happen to me?
• I still don't see what lesson i am supposed to be learning
• I never thot i would be that person
• It sucks majorly

eh

You would think that now that i decided i need to be happy everything would be smooth sailing from here. Far from the truth. It's a struggle everyday. I start the day with good intentions, but before night time, most of my efforts are down the drain. I'm still trying though and i c slight changes in the way i deal with pple.

Now can someone please tell me, what in the world is going on on Facebook. What's with all these absolutely STUPID groups that are popping up like flies.

• OMG I LOL'D SO HARD AT THIS GIRL WHO TEXTED HER DAD INSTEAD OF HER BFF!!!
• I only click the become a fan button just to see the picture. 
• Why does it seem like when i tied my shoes, only one becomes untied everytime. 

What the Fuck!!!! I've seen even more stupid ones than these but i can't be bothered to hunt them down right now. I think facebook needs to do something about this madness. Everyone and their maama can create groups. Ridiculous. 

Now that my rant is over, i'm going back to nurse this chest pain and sore throat that i have. I'm miserable. Oh, btw i have lost 7lbs since January. I am kinda proud of myself. I need to see more progress though. I have to be in the 130lbs by August.

Tough Choice

Sometimes in life we have to make very difficult "purely head" decisions. Your heart says one thing but your head knows better. It is those times u have to grit ur teeth and bear it. Clench ur fists, harden ur heart and get through it. When it is over, you will be able to breath again.

I'm clenching my fists, gritting my teeth and bearing it. (I haven't become a white woman overnight, excuse the picture)

I need to be happy. I need some peace of mind. I need to breath.

Sunday

New week, new beginnings abi? Just walked 8.9miles in 1hr 55mins and came home to a breakfast of old fashioned oatmeal and almonds, sprinkled some flax seed in there for good measure. I no dey play again. Gotta lose this weight.

Why is it that guys complain when u r all over them, but the minute u start to ignore them and treat them like everyone else, they start to complain and become all over u? So that's the secret abi? Don't worry, i have  your number, Mr.