Charly boy is my new idol!
Curious about why?
You can go on Linda Ikeji and find out what he told his daughter.
Took the words out of my mind
I haven't been blogging regularly because i have been very busy. I could have tried to make time to post but to be honest, whenever I force myself to make time to blog and there's barely any response, it doesn't motivate me to go out of my way to do it.
Anyway, i read Charles Oputa's advice to his daughter this morning as i was eating breakfast and it just validated my thoughts and feelings on so many levels. I have been struggling with my thoughts on marriage for a long time. Unlike a lot of girls, i have never dreamt of getting married or looked forward to it or even particularly wanted it. I think, It would be fair to say i have been neutral about it, meaning i didn't want it or not want it. When i was 21, i mentioned it to a friend and he said, i am just talking that way because i am still young. Time has passed and nothing has changed, if anything, i have been leaning on the side not seeing the point of it.
I've taken an intellectual approach to it and have been asking why? Why do we have to get married?
What's the purpose? Especially where it seems like the institution has become a joke. People jump in and out of it. Lots of people are not happily married, both men and women. Some Nigerian men in Nigeria (and elsewhere, i guess) think they are doing women a favor by getting married to them. So despite having a ring on their finger they continue to have girlfriends. The stories i hear constantly just turn me away from ever desiring to get married. I've been struggling to make a decision. I have mentioned it to my mom a couple of times and she "rejected" it. Otherwise, my parents have been the best and unlike a lot of Nigerian parents have NEVER pressured me or even brought it up as a subject to be discussed.
My mother has told me marriage is not a do or die affair and she wouldn't support us staying in a bad marriage just for the sake of being married. On my birthday, 2 years ago, she called me, after wishing me a happy birthday and the usual prayers, she told me to take my time and not be worried about getting married, that there's no point rushing in and then rushing out. Meanwhile i have friends who i am older than that their mother's won't give them a break about getting married.
I was reading comments on "Marriage shock' on Bellanaija yesterday and i just kept thinking to myself that i don't want to get married. With each comment i read, that was the only thought that came to my head. I have come to associate marriage with a lot of unhappiness and stress and being stuck. I think a lot of times, the women get the short end of the stick and it's not fair but because society expects it, you have to suck it up and learn to be a "good wife". It will never be okay to me that a guy gets to chill and put his feet up, while the wife (or even girlfriend in some cases) runs around to serve him like his maid.
I was talking to a guy whom i used to like a few years ago, yesterday. He actually asked me to marry him in a roundabout way, 2 years ago by saying "He wanted to get this marriage thing out of the way and i knew him and all his flaws, good and bad and it was up to me to decide if i would be able to deal with it". I jejely told him he was exactly right and i knew him well enough to know that i would not be able to cope with his bad side. Mr. Man is meanandharsh . com. Anyway, we haven't spoken for a long while and i don't know what we were talking about, by he told me to "Shut up". Very matter of fact. I don't remember the last time anyone told me to shut up. Why would anyone speak to me that way. The way he talks was a bone of contention back then, and after he did that yesterday, I finally accepted that this is just him. Anyway, i told him he was too harsh and i don't know how anyone can be with him and be happy. Then he said that most Nigerian women like a guy who is controlling. I was quick to tell him, i don't agree with him and i don't like a controlling guy. He told me to speak for myself and not speak for other women and besides i was not a typical Nigerian woman. He wasn't joking.
At this point in my life, marriage is not something i am eager for. I am not saying that i won't get married, ever but if i do, it will not be something i enter into lightly. Ideally, i want to marry someone who i can honestly say is my best friend, in the true sense of the word. Someone who understands that relationships are hard work and is willing to put in the effort and the time to help us have a decent relationship. I don't want to marry anyone who believes the primary reason to be married is to have a wife and a woman to have his kids. I think kids are secondary in a marriage and should be taken as a bonus. Mr. Man actually told me yesterday that he agrees a lot of women are not happily married but that they get their consolation from their kids and that's where married women should look for their happiness from. That's not me. If i want to be a single parent and have kids, then i will do that. But if i want to be married, then let me be married in the true sense of the word, which means having a partner and friend to go through life with.
That being said, i am a realist. There are good men, i am pretty sure of it but they are not the norm.So what do you do when settling is not an option and you can't imagine yourself being stuck in an unhappy marriage just because society expects that from you?
I'm still thinking about it.
P.S forgive any typos if there are. I have too much to do. Will fix mistakes later.