Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Does he have to like it?

Yesterday, i visited my old stomping grounds - where i was both a student and a staff for a total of 6 years. I enjoyed it far more than i thought even though i didn't get a chance to go to the bookstore and get a hoodie. I will try to do that cos i really want one. Besides, my school is so far from home, it would be nice to represent my alma mater there.

Last stop was a 3pm lunch with my "fake" Nigerian friend (it's an inside joke, so if you are reading and are offended by that term, don't bother yourself. I only use it with him). Anyway, as he was about to drive into Chipotle, he had to back up for this chic who i noticed had natural hair. So i said, "Everyone seems to be going natural these day. I guess it's a new trend. Is your girlfriend natural?" He was visibly irritated and was like "YES! and i hate it!" He said he doesn't like it and it's not that he has a problem with natural hair but that it doesn't look good on her. So i asked if she just started and that the early stage is usually the ugly stage (which is true, in my opinion) and he said "she's been doing this for 2 years and the worst thing is she expects me to like it". The was he said it was so funny to me and i started laughing. He was like "this is serious, we almost broke up because of this. I just like her with straight hair".

So the problem is not that he doesn't like natural hair. He just doesn't like how she looks with it. So my question is it necessary for your boyfriend to like and accept your natural hair? Since i don't have natural hair, i haven't thought about the issues that might arise in a relationship because of that so it was an interesting conversation.

*I personally think going natural for a lot of people is a trend. Some people can fully articulate why they are natural and some don't have a reason at all (not that you have to have a reason or justify anything to anyone). My older sister was trying to convince me to go natural with her (she is currently transitioning) and i asked her why she was going natural and she didn't have an answer for me. As much as i dislike trends, i don't mind this natural hair trend cos i look at old pictures of my mom's generation and they were all natural and it was pretty cool.

So the point of this post is not lost, i'll ask again, Does he have to like it and how has natural hair impacted your relationships?


  1. LoL that boyfriend was pretty funny, Id have laughed like you did too. To me it is just a different hairstyle, the way some days we feel like weave and other days we feel curly, I guess some days you "feel" natural, just that this one nor be days matter o, na years. But like I said pple go natural for different reasons like "i want sumn different" or "I want to start all over again and take good care of my hair because its damaged" while we must accept some might be "I just want to follow the crowd and scream #teamNatural up and down my TL"--LoL

    For me, my boyfriend likes it well he says he does, so it hasn't made my relationship any better but def hasn't made mine worse--Lol there are more serious things doing us than my hair o jere. Lol

  2. i don't have any personal experience with this but i have pondered what would happen if a girl goes natural and the bf/husband doesn't like it.

    The only thing i can say is that i would hope that the person's partner loves them for more than their hairstyle. I guess they could/should talk about it but idk. It just doesn't seem like it should be that big of a deal. *walks out singing I Am Not My Hair by India.Arie*

  3. hmmm....dunno what to say!

  4. I don't think it should matter at all especially if it's just a boyfriend girlfriend thing but if it's a serious r/ship like marriage or should I say courtship, your partner also has to be satisfied with what he sees on you, so the lady should be a little flexible and compromise with good looking weaves once in a while.

  5. Great post... I have had natural hair for a while. for me, it's not a trend. I made some crazy decisions in 07(cut+color) my hair started falling, so I went natural 07/08- I relaxed again. had relaxed hair 09/10. summer 2010 I decided to grow a fro-hawk :D- after that I fully transitioned into natural hair, my hair grows faster when it's all natural plus I never leave it out anyways ( I almost always have a weave, corn-roll or braids) so yeah.....
    On him liking it, well, I think it's very important for your man to like your look.There is definitely more to a relationship than looks but it's very important, especially because it is something you started after getting together.

  6. @coy: They have been dating for about 4 or 5 years and are talking marriage. So it's a pretty serious relationship.

  7. I like your blog template. Very pleasing.

  8. been natural for over a year now. Boyfriend always encourages me on weaves when i have d hair bare. He thinks i look like i fell from his father's era n trying to blend into the young generation....

  9. for 'some' people its a trend. I wont even decieve myself into doing something that is not going to make me look my best. If going natural will make me look wierd, i'd rather not. Im too vain for that! lol. Natural hair does'nt look good on everyone tho. I think the dude has the right to be concerned. If my booyfriend suddenly decided to carry dada 'rasta hair' we will break up. So i can see his side of the story. lol


    yes im married and im one of those that have decided to go natural and boi it didnt wash well with my husband...his point was...since i met u 5 years ago youve always had the weave on etc...and ive always known u with that look now uve got the natural hair...its like looking at a different you ...which i dont like..those were his words...and for me im just done with the relaxing...the needle and threading..the endless trips to the hairdressers..the scars of lace wigging and glue...and at work its now a joke that i always come in with a different curly brown a week maybe if the hair was done too tight i take it out..and i arrive at work with blonde brown straight hair..which i believe is pretentious..and the list goes the compromise now whilst im on the journey for the natural hair and sister ive bought lace wigs without glue ...u just wear them and they have combs that slide into ur hair and stay in no fear of them falling off etc..ive got 3 different ones..and i wear them whenver we have the important occasions etc.. and when at home i rock my natural look..and that has beena compromise that has worked..yes he must like it..but he must also be willing to compromise as well as u do...
    its ur girl barefeet

  11. I have natural hair now and it's not a trend matter at all, neither is it a do or die matter. I have always hated relaxers because even if they make one for infants, my scalp will still burn. Abeg, I'm a grown woman. I can't be having anxiety anytime I'm going to the salon to retouch. The days are over when my sisters used to force me into the hairdresser's chair.

    Well, in the past 5 years, I've been mostly natural. See I said "mostly" because I have relaxed the hair twice when the natural thing frustrated me and I am not making any promises to any Team Natural that I will not perm my hair again. But even with the natural hair sef, I'm usually in braids or kinky twists. Same thing when I had permed hair. I just don't like combing and styling hair everyday, natural or permed. Weaves are out of it - don't like them.

    My husband likes any of these 2 - long flowing permed hair or braids (especially kinky twists). He has never said anything negative to me about natural hair and it's probably because I'm mostly always in braids anyway, and he likes those.

    Does he have to like it? Well, if it a serious relationship, it helps for him to like it. It's just like asking me if I have to like my husband growing his hair long (which I HATE and sit on his case till he cuts it).

    But overall, let them work on options that will give in here and there to their different preferences.


  13. I've been natural about 2+ years and this is my second go at it. I'm not a 'fist pumping-power to the people-naturalista' neither am i natural cos its a trend.

    I'm natural cos i can't be bothered to perm my hair anymore and i want to see how long my natural hair can grow. Period!

    I think the man you're with should like they way you look. I've read men say 'changing your look drastically is grounds to be nexted'. I have never had any bf or toaster tell me they don't like it but I do have one friend that HATES it and doesn't hide it. I couldn't get with someone like that.

    This is a dilemma tho cos while you shouldn't live your life to suit a man and a womans hair is hers to do as she desires... Attraction is key in a relationship...if all he sees is 'shigidi' on your head then their might be a problem.
    If he loves growing a full beard and you hate it would he be expected to be clean shaven? hmmm

  14. I carry natural hair cos I hate relaxers. I used to be on dreads but decided to cut it off later and go natural. My finacee has no problem with it and also won't have a problem if I decide to start relaxing it. He is quite indifferent. To him, neatness is the main thing.
    Also, he didn't really like the idea of human hair before he met me, anyway. So we are cool

  15. i have natural hair and my fiance has never seen it, except when he follows me to the salon, he loves braids and weaves though

  16. hmm

    i have been natural for three years...and my husband doesnt like it one bit. like barefeet he cant understand the dramatic change and likes me with permed straight long hair which was how he met me.

    unfortunately relaxer burns my scalp even before it is done. tried baby relaxer same hair is that soft and my scalp is that sensitive.

    have i tried explaining this to him- yes. over and over. does he understand - no. he doesnt get it.

    so the compromise has been weaves, wigs and braids. he likes those. as long as he doesn't see the natural hair he is happy. though he still begs me once in a while to perm my hair. sigh

    in as much as it matters that your man should like ur hair, i want to believe i mean much more than my natural hair to him. if that is the reason he now wants to go and look outside..wahala be that oooo.

    n.b- barefeet abeg come and show me where you buy ur lace wigs ooo. thanks

  17. yea i think its important for ones boyfriend or husband as the case may be to like ones style. you can checkout and follow my blog

  18. It is important for your significant other to like your hair.But i guess this is where compromise comes in.Is he going to overlook it? or are you going to change it?

    With all the online resources, i think more people are aware of the natural hair option. Trying to take care of natural hair is not easy so anyone doing it because they think it is a trend will surely get frustrated with time

  19. It helps if he likes it. Boyfriend like permed hair and doesn't mind weaves. I can't do natural and said as much about combing permed hair everyday. He has accepted it. It's a compromise, I had to go easy on the acrylic nails though.

  20. i went natural before it was a trend because i hate any form of fake hair on me i.e wig, weave, relaxed. I've seen some ppl that look nice with weave, wig, or relaxed, but for the most part i find real hair texture on everyone to be the best. I have never encountered a person that didn't like my hair(both when i was loose natural and now that i'm loced), so i can't really understand, i guess it would be the same if i were married to this guy and one day he decides to buy chemicals to completely alter his natural hair. OK then WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM. NOt because of the hair change, but i would SERIOUSLY question the reason for the hair change, if there is not self-hating variables in what he said, then i would be ok with it.

  21. I have a friend who is trying to go natural but her husband likes long silky hair. lol. Its been amusing watching them. He goes out of his way to compliment ladies he sees with long silky know a sort of hint to her. Thankfully her natural looks do look good on her so he's gradually coming around.

    I do think it is important to please your partner in somethings...afterall I could never condone long nails on the pinky finger.....

  22. I have natural hair, because my permed hair always looked so thin and would break off past a certain point. That being said, I am absolutely terrified because I am visiting my boyfriend this weekend (long distance) and this will be his first time seeing my natural hair and i am so worried he won't like it. I really hope he does cos my natchy hair is here to stay :)

    p/s just started reading your blog and I love it!

  23. Wow! These comments have been very enlightening/interesting.

    I am currently natural, and single so i can't really answer the does he have to like it question. But i have noticed that the men that do like my hair are usually older or not Nigerian. One of my female friends actually told me that i would not find husband with my hair like this.
    It's interesting when i hear people say natural hair is a trend because i'll be honest enough to say that it is not easy so if you start going natural just because, then you are bound to give up sooner than later.

    What i think has happened is that thanks to more information mainly courtesy of the world wide web, more black women have come to the realization that they can wear their own hair, maintain it properly, wear different hair styles and still look good. Some of us never knew this having started perming our hair even before we got out of primary school.

    I want to shake my head at the men who look down on natural hair, but they can't really be blamed seeing as they must be confused when all they are used to is long flowing darling yaki/brazillian hair.

    My take is that if he doesn't like you enough to overlook your WELL MAINTAINED hair growing out of your head as God designed it, then maybe you have more serious issues to think about.

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