Friday, July 9, 2010

My regrets

Whenever i am asked the question, what are my regrets, i always take a moment to think and then answer that i have no regrets because every experience that i have has been a life lesson. I'm a liar! I have been lying to myself. Well, not on purpose but i think i've been lying because i haven't given much thought to the question. I know one of the unspoken life "rules" is to never have any regrets. For the most part that is a good philosophy to have, i mean there's no use crying over split milk, really. However, looking back in my oh so short but so long life, i do have some things i wish i had done differently. Are they regrets? Maybe. But i don't sit around moping and thinking about them all day. Ok, fine, let's cut the crap and all the English speaking, here are the things I regret or wish i had done differently.

I regret
  • Not having lived a balanced life. Since the day i stepped foot in this country, all i have done has been with one goal in mind, get into medical school. I haven't lived my life in any capacity. I am a nerd that doesn't look like a nerd (that's my only saving grace). Everything that i did, really was connected to getting into med school. I didn't travel, or party, or have friends i hung out with. I've never been to a club, i don't drink, don't have random hook ups, never been to a beach, don't know how to swim or ride a bike, never been back to Nigeria or gone to europe (something i have been dying to do). My biggest regret of all this is not taking the time to cultivate meaningful friendships. Since i left Nigeria, i don't know what it feels like to have girl friends. I finally got into med school, and it wasn't worth the sacrifice that i had to make. I could have been more balanced and still gotten into med school. I think i was too single minded in my pursuit of my dream and i should have paused from time to time to smell the roses cos after you get into med school ur time is really no longer yours.
  • Not having the backbone 5 years ago to say no: I have been a victim of domestic violence. I am a statistic. According to the bureau of justice statistics, 1 in every 4 women will experience domestic violence in her life time.The first time he hit me was last time he hit me and it was the day the relationship (finally) ended. In a way the physical abuse was just the finale to an already verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. It went from verbal abuse to emotional abuse and then physical abuse. It was only by the grace of God that i got out of that situation alive and only had bruises to show for it. I thought i was going to be killed. Being chased with 2 knives by someone who has morphed from a human being into an incoherent monster right before your eyes is the stuff nightmares are made of. In case you have ever wondered, this is how husbands end of killing their wives. They lose their minds in a fit of rage.
    I regret not saying an emphatic NO when my sister decided to hook me up with this guy. I never would have met or agreed to date him otherwise. I should have stayed true to my superficial self when i told her he was too ugly for me. I should have said "yes, na handsome i go chop" I regret not ending it that first week, when i noticed he was off and complained to my sister about him. Instead, i let her talk me into staying. I regret not listening to her, weeks later when she finally came and told me she found out stuff about him and i should leave him alone (Apparently, i'm her little puppet). I should have listened because even then i knew he wasn't right but i didn't. I was already attached. I was so young, naive and STUPID. That experience changed the course of my life, for the worse. I have never been the person i was before that incident. That shit sent me to therapy and that's when i started gaining weight.  
So far, those are the two things i know i really have any type of regrets about. I still thank God for everything and i'm not such a bad person to be. 

    17 comments:

    1. Deep.
      We all have regrets on some stuffs in our lives...
      They are all experiences which makes us a better person.

      Glad you doing great!!!

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    2. hummm. One thing is for sure, i'm sure glad you got out of that domestic situation alive :) Yes ooo we all have regrets, and yet God still allowed those to happen for a reason. Those situations have still shaped you into the stronger person you are today believe it or not.

      ReplyDelete
    3. #deep we Thank God for keeping you safe dear... We all have things we wish we had done differently...but the best we can do is learn the lessons and move on. Kudos to you ..and its never too late to smell the roses!!! Do it in lil'bits...

      ReplyDelete
    4. but the important thing is:'you learnt from these experiences'.

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    5. *Deep breath*

      (((HUGS)))

      Regrets, sometimes are just experiences that make us who we are. You're a strong woman.

      ReplyDelete
    6. I totally agree with everyone, but Myne put it better than I could put it myself. Regrets, well the most important thing is that you've learnt something from them and they shaped you, more for better than for worse.

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    7. My dear, regrets or not...moving on is what counts...an abusive relationship is a NO NO...especially when the culprit acts like a complete psycho...on the other hand, I guess u've got holidays when you can make up for lost time...catch your groove, life is too short to not do these thingz

      Enjoy

      ReplyDelete
    8. Medicine can be all consuming if you let it. i know regs and consultant for whom medicine has consumed their whole life. Make sure you find time to enjoy life.
      Don't look back look forward!

      ReplyDelete
    9. Thanks for sharing because you didn't have to.

      Funny enough,I got around to doing the honesty meme and I had mentioned I don't believe people when they say they have no regrets but I guess it boils down to what you define as a regret,like my friend said, "is it still a regret if it turned out for the better?" Who knows. Either way I am glad you are okay and with us.

      ReplyDelete
    10. Wow. This is cliche but true: - It only makes u stronger and wiser. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sure now u can smell BS from miles away.

      I have a friend with the same Med School concerns. She said she feels like her life is totally uni-directional. So, she's working on something else that keeps her excited - an NGO. Maybe there's an opp like that for you? Plus, don't feel bad about missing out on random hook-ups, less drama.

      (Shhhh... don't tell anyone, I don't know how to swim or ride a bike either).

      Have a lovely week!

      ReplyDelete
    11. that was deep..thanks for sharing..our past play a big role in shaping our lives and the decisions we make.
      u r a strong woman..and with the lessons learnt, you be true to urself

      ReplyDelete
    12. Those regrets are simply the stepping stones to a stronger and better you.

      ReplyDelete
    13. good to get it all out. Am glad u dnt live in those regrets anymore.

      Think u r stronger for it.

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    14. Glad you spilled it out....feel better doing it huh?....all human beings on earth do have one regret or the other...whether they admit it or not....& am not for all those psychological -brain washing , motivational talks!..as i see am, i go talk! chikena!....*grinning*

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    15. A life without regrets is a life never lived...But whether we allow ourselves to be imprisoned in their claws or not makes all the difference there is. good you moved on...

      ReplyDelete
    16. everyone one has regrets...but they make us who we are.

      ReplyDelete

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