Friday, December 30, 2011

Eze did not Sign up for this when he went to School

Med school and all thoughts of it stresses me out. I can't even freaking enjoy my holiday.  I'm not loving my life right now.

I need to vent but i don't want to but i guess i will since i'm already here. I spent all day studying and texting (story for another blog). It's not necessarily hard core studying, I got uworld and i'm using it to annotate First Aid by answering the questions. After finally finishing one block of tests and going over the explanations, i realized that there's literally one day left in 2011. The year went by fast and i love it but then i started thinking of what i did with my year - school and how much of a struggle it was.

It was hard. I study so hard,  yet struggle so much. I'm stressed all the time, there's no fun in my life (or not a lot), i'm surprised i don't have high blood pressure (not kidding, anytime i go to the doctor and my bp is normal, i am actually surprised), i'm miserable half the time i'm in school, i feel like we are being hazed with the volume of work we have to do in the amount of time we are given. I experienced my first anxiety attack this semester (then had a couple more for good measure), i had mini-mental breakdowns, which usually involved uncontrollable crying. I went from seeming like i had it together, to facing reality and freaking out all within a minute. Imagine sitting and studying one minute then bursting out crying like your life is about to be over the next, that my friends is what freaking out is about. Reality hits you from no where and you realise that there's no way you can read and remember over a thousand pages of micro in less then 48 hours with 1/4 of the stuff being new material you just saw for the first time less than a week ago. Finals week was hell on earth, absolute hell on earth! It was just horrible. I looked at all the work i had to do and how much time i had and knew that it wasn't humanly possible. I hated the whole semester with the constant exam writing. I really, really, really, hated it. 

Next semester is going to be tougher. Welcome Pharmacology, the only exam in my school where you actually have essay style questions 15 pages long (bye bye guessing and recognition memory) with the final being cumulative and 30 pages long PLUS the almighty Step 1 which more or less determines what specialty you can match into. Stress served on a platter. My future medical career pretty much rests on this Step 1 exam. It is that big of a deal. I have no clue how i am going to find time to fit board studying with school stuff. We (being just me) have already respected ourselves and decided that i am not a genius and  cannot wait until the allotted 6 weeks to start studying specifically for the boards because that would equal failure. Already from doing uworld i can see how much my test taking skills suck. Half the time i know the right answer but don't trust myself enough to pick it, over think the question then pick the wrong answer or how about picking an answer i obviously know is wrong because all the other options are completely unfamiliar to me. Isn't that unadulterated stupidity? I suffer from it.  All the advice i have gotten from upperclassmen including my Dean, points to starting to study early. I actually scheduled an emergency SOS meeting with her the day before i came home. Matter was that hard.

Where am i going to find the time?

I'm worried about Pharm because i haven't heard good things about it plus i have the talent of doing poorly on one exam and having to dig myself out the rest of the semester. Hopefully that doesn't happen in Pharm but it still worries me.

In a nutshell, being in med school sucks. It's not fun at all and i don't love it or even like it. I'm sure you will find people who are having a ball and the time of their lives in med school. I personally don't know any. I feel like it's designed to suck the life, joy, fun, energy out of you and leave you depressed and miserable. Did you know that 25% of med students are depressed and Doctors have the highest suicide rate? I am not surprised. At all!!! I'm actually surprised that more med students are not suicidal. Maybe they are and they hide it very well.

Ok, this post is turning towards the dark side, so i'll just stop while i'm ahead. I needed to vent. I try not to do this a lot on this blog, just because i don't want anyone to think i'm whining and looking for sympathy because i'm actually not which is why sometimes i disable comments when i just need to vent. I chose this career path and actually worked very hard to get into med school. Getting into med school was a dream come true, believe it or not.  I don't regret my decision, neither do i want to leave and do something else but at the end of the day, i am still human and body no be firewood. The last time i checked, no be me kill Jesus, so i don't see why i have to be frustrated within an inch of my life because i want to become a doctor.

*I was given an end of the year assignment by my friend who is a therapist aka my therapist friend to write the things i don't like about my life which i have control over and can change and the steps i plan to take to change them. He gave me 3 days to complete this assignment. Feel free to do it if you are interested. You don't have to share. Just a thought to pass along. I spent the whole day texting with this guy. From 8.59am to 8.16pm - 457 text messages between us. Absofreaking ridiculous because i hate texting. No, he's not a love interest or a potential anything as he is married with a baby due anytime soon, but he is a trip and a half. A trip and a half! Everyone should have a therapist as a friend.
Hey guys, welcome to my blog. Sit back, relax, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy!

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