Hairless

A couple of people have questioned the veracity of my assertion that melu melu means cow in hausa(I bet u didn't think i could use big words. Ha!).Well, i wouldn't bet my life on it. I've always known melu melu meant cow, i never bothered to figure out the origin of the word. I asked my mom who speaks Hausa fluently and she said it's a hausa word. So that's how i know, ok pple! Don't be questioning her majesty like that. She might get mad and say off with ur heads.


On to the topic of the day. Ladies, this question is for u and i expect nothing but the honest TRUTH. No white lie, pink lie or blue lie! How many of u used to shave ur legs and armpits before u left naija? For those ladies that are in naija, how many of u shave (ur legs especially) and if you do how often do u shave? This issue has become a bone in my throat and it was made very apparent a few nights ago. I'll tell u how/why.


Now before i came to the US (if i had gone to Jand now, i would have said b4 i janded. So since America is Yankee, can i say before i yanked?!!! LOL), i only used to shave my pits, and that wasn't even regularly oh! I'm one of those hairy pple both on my arms and legs, but it never occurred to me to SHAVE. The very first time shaving legs came to my notice was in 2000 when my sister came to naija after being away for 10yrs. She had this shaving gel thingy and some razors. I say wetin be this (what is this?). Still, i didn't start shaving then oh. I didn't see the need. No girl i knew in naija shaved her legs. I would see chics who were 10X hairier than me on campus with skirts and hairy legs. To be honest, it wasn't even something worth noticing.



Fast forward to Yankee, i come here and everyone is going crazy in their quest to become hairless. Bikini wax, anal wax, brow wax, front wax, back wax, anything wax, electrolysis, name it, people have jumped on that bandwagon. The hairs on my legs are thick and curly, so if i don't shave it's not a pretty sight (anymore, b4 i liked it. That's was just the way it was). The first couple of times i shaved, i was like, what's the point of all this. I would let it grow back because i was more comfortable with hair on my legs. I felt weird with hairless legs. I always wore pants anyway, so it wasn't like pple were looking at me crazy. Na only me dey see my legs. Then i got used to shaving and slowly started getting uncomfortable with hair on my legs. That one no do me, I come crase carry go shave the hair on my arms. Well, i naired it off! I felt like a plucked chicken. I had these weird ass goose bumps all over my arms. It was just disgusting. That's when i said, fuck u hairless female country. I will keep my hairy arms, thank u very much! I have never shaved my arms since that fateful day in 2003



Now shaving my legs is another issue. I have never gotten into the habit of doing that regularly. The only problem is that i now feel disgusted whenever i see my own hairy legs. See wahala. Does that prompt me to shave, NO! I only shave when it has become a forest or i need to wear something that would show my legs which is not very often. So i have been happily carrying on this practice for years. A couple of days ago there i was in all my bushy/hairy glory (one of the benefits of being single), although it had gotten to the point where i was starting to get irritated by my legs but i really couldn't be bothered to shave. That is until i had a nightmare about it. I dreamt that i had to go somewhere at the last minute and i had nothing else to wear but shorts. So there i was out in public with my hairy legs. What kind of nonsense dream is that? What is really bothering me is the fact that i was worried about the hair on my legs enough to dream about it.


You know what is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO unfair? Guys get to go around with their hairy armpits and their hairy legs and hairy chests and hairy backs without it being an issue. That is so wrong on so many levels. The one that is killing me is the trend of bikini wax which suggests to me that men are now getting used to women without hair down there. So we are now all have to look like prepubescent kids just to conform (Well, another benefit of being single, i no follow una do that one). Hmmm...... Another question. Has anyone ever shaved down there and had to ENJOY the itch when the hair is growing back? That is torture on so many levels. I don't even want to talk about it cos i think i'm still suffering from post traumatic stress disorder because of that shit.

I really don't think it's fair that somebody somewhere decided that women should be hairless and men can walk around with their disgusting hairy armpits with no problem. We have all foolishly accepted that nonsense and i am so pissed that i have bought into that culture. Now i can't even stand to look at hair on my leg with wondering when i'll have time to shave. It's just plain stupid.

After all this ranting and raving will i stop shaving, no oh! I never said that. If u like say Sting said we shouldn't follow senseless trends and don't shave. You are on ur own oh!

P.S. I regret to announce the untimely death of Stingess. That shit did not fly. Re-introducing her royal highness, the one and only Sting of blogville. Thank u very much!

Melu melu means.............

(singing) I'm back again, I'm back again yeah yeah! A, B, C, D, E........ how many of u remember that song from the Remedies? Do u pple even know who the Remedies are? I don dey question a lot of una Nigerianness...... This one wey una no fit tell me the meaning of melu melu so. B4 i continue, let me say thanks to everyone who left a comment on my last 2 posts. I really appreciate it. It helps to know u guys care. If not una for don hear say Sting, abi na Stingess don off herself and it would have been all INVISIBLE'S fault. Seriously, u pple should ask him y he rejected my marriage proposal. I dey vex.

Anyhoo, i have been here for the last hr updating my bloglist. Who sent me to go and change my blog template, i don't know. Toluwa and Vera, thank you! God bless u. Una go born twins, triplets, sextuplets, quintuplets, and all of them join together. They were the only ones who said anything about my template change. For that, a wag of the finger to the rest of u all. You all are on notice!

So as some of u might have noticed (u better have) i have changed my name to Stingess. Why? Well, whenever i read pple comments and they refer to me as Sting, i'm always confused. Yes oh! I go dey look back they find Sting b4 i realise say na me. The name was just too masculine for me, so i decided to soften it a little bit hence the Stingess. Her royal highness Stingess the first! You r very welcome!


For the record, Melu, melu means............................. COW! It's the hausa word for cow pple. Get with the program........ Sheesh! Y'all need to be ashamed of urselves, and that's my final word!

P.S. I love Stephen Colbert.

P.S.S. Wordsmith almost daggered me this morning. She (forgive me if u are a he but u sound like a she) guessed melu melu means goat or some other livestock. I didn't remember who left that comment and i was too lazy to go look until i was sanctioned this morning. My apologies my sweets, please 4give. To the rest of u, SHAME ON YOU!

Okay, another test question: What is the meaning of Leke leke? Hint: It's an animal.

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Alrighty, I have to give it to LG for not only knowing the Remedies song i was referring to, but also singing the rest of the song. You are a true son of the soil. Daughter of ur fathers, i throway salute. The title of the song is Eddie Ti de. LG, was also the first to sing the Leke leke song. This lady, u r three much! Wordsmith and Naija idol also knew the song. Kudos, my ladies. I remember singing the song and shaking my fingers whenever i saw a CATTLE EGRET (leke leke). Leke leke give me water finger...... of course after shaking ur hands that vigorously u are bound to have a white mark. Evidence of the magical powers of the leke leke :-) Growing up in naija was too fun mehn! So congrats to Allied, Chiefo and Isha who also got it right.

Jaycee, you guessed frog. Hmmm......... no comment!
Ms. O guessed Turkey or Vulture........ LOL @vulture. That cracked me the hell up!
LusciousRon guessed Dove............ i can see the similarity, so u try small
Invisible didn't know the exact animal but he knew the thing! Na so u take dey pass exam for school? As for u, invisible, ur case is serious. I am not re-proposing to u with no bank statement or whatnot. I'm broke, in fact i want to be sharing the money that u have with u. You if soak garri, i go follow u soak. No be so?

................

I am so sad. It's almost 2pm and i have been crying since i got to work. I can't do this anymore. I freaking hate this job. I spent the last hour talking/crying to my mentor at the lab. I don't know what i would have done if i didn't have him to talk to. 2008 wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to lose all my friends and be virtually friendless. Most of the time the highlight of my day is when i read the comments you guys leave on this blog and at lot of them are so funny, i just can't help laughing regardless of how i've been feeling. I don't talk about it much but this blog/you guys mean a lot to me cos i don't know how i would have gone through this year without having this outlet. I probably would have been a depressed mess, albeit a cute one (Ha! just had to add that). See what you caused, now i've lost my train of thought.

I wasn't supposed to still be at this job by now taking all this mess. I was supposed to be in medical school................! I hate the people (some of them), the environment, everything! I have decided that this job is threatening the well being of my mental health. I do not want to end up as a patient in the mental hospital where i work. Therefore, i'm back on the job hunt. I need to find another full time job so i can leave this place without showing my ass. Oh! I have been so tempted to unleash my bitchiness to some of the people here. I am a naturally sarcastic person, and it's been really hard to keep it professional and be respectful to some of these people. I've had enough. I don't want to lose my temper cos when i do, i usually don't care where i am. I go don craze finish before i remember where i dey. Trust me, i speak from experience. So i want to leave b4 it gets to that level. I wish the psychiatric hospital job was a full time thing, i would have quit today!

This ungrateful idiot at the lab that thinks i'm her personal slave has just asked me to stain some slides today. After asking me if i'm busy, i told her i was going to do stuff in the breeding colony and she was like what next........ go home?! What the fuck kind of question is that? I just said, tell me what u want me to do and i will do it, because if i had replied her what was on my mind, i would have been telling u another story. Let me die if i stain those slides today. Tomorrow, maybe! If she needs help she needs to get an undergrad assigned to her. I'm sick of doing her shit without so much as a thank you. The other day, it was already 5.30pm, everyone had gone home, i was trying to pack the biohazard waste so i could take it to the designated place, this bitch proceeds to tell me on her way out that before i leave i should fill up the deionized water container. The container wasn't even empty. I was so pissed. Of course, i didn't fill it up. She dey craze.

Deep breath! Calm down............. I need to get through the rest of the day.

I don tire like Styl plus tire!

I don't know what's going on with me today. I'm on edge.... i feel like i'm about to hurt somebody at this damn job. I'm stressed, depressed, and overwhelmed. I've been chewing starbursts since i got here like it's crack or something. I hate this damn job more with each passing day. I'm talking about the lab job in case u r wondering. The hospital job is still alright but they called me yesterday and i didn't pick up. I didn't feel like going in at 11pm after i had already made myself comfortable under my comforter. I need the money but i couldn't! I feel since i put i was available to work Thursday nights, and they chose not to schedule me in advance, then don't call me when the person u put instead of me doesn't show up. Then again, they might have needed someone to do a 1:1 and God knows as stressed as i have been, i can't deal with no added stress in whatever form. I don't want to kill somebody.

I can't believe no one knows the meaning of melu melu. Did any of u grow up in naija for real, for real? You ought to be ashamed of urselves. As it is, I'm canceling the damn class. If u don't know the meaning of melu melu, where do u expect me to start teaching from. Besides after i have revealed God knows what about myself, i bet u guys would use it against me when i become the next Michelle and Barack Obama (yes, the two of them combined). So I'll keep my mouth shut. Thank you very much.

Anyway, I've got enough shit to deal with. I have been writing essays for my med applications like it's going out of fashion. Let's not talk about all the money i have been spending. If i don't get into at least one med school next yr, there will be war. I don tire. I'm writing basically the same essays with different twists. Some of them ask me to tell them of a time when i did this or that. The this or that, i have never done. So do they want me to lie? I haven't completed one application because of that, so I'm about to sit my ass down and think of a very good story to write. All because i want to become a doctor. Na wa! My friends in Nigeria did not have to go through this stress just to get into med school. Now they will come here, write the exam, pass it and go start their residency without all the gbese of a student loan to worry about. I should have stayed my ass in Nigeria to go to med school, abeg! This is getting too much.

GTKM 1101 - Get to Know Me

Course Description

Introduction to the life and times of a mildy psycho Nigerian scorpio. Issues, dramadies and a whole lot of fun stuff. Special emphasis on all things (guys) cute.

4.000 Credit hours

As this is an honors class, you guys have been given the freedom to suggest (Keyword: suggest) the course content. Your suggestions will help me formulate a lesson plan (not that i need help, i'm just trying to be a good professor eh hen!). So eyin Blogsville, what would you like to learn about Ms. Wonderful herself. What do u mean who is Ms. Wonderful? Me of course, abeg stay with the program, no dulling allowed in this class.

Example of questions include:

Favorite hang out spots.............. on the internet! Ha! (No, i don't watch porn! Regularly......... I mean, at all)

So Ask and you (might) receive! I'm not God, so i can't say, ask and you shall receive.
Hit me!
Yours truly,
Dr. Mrs. Chief, Barrister, Honorable, Melu melu Sting IV Esq. (Professor in Charge).

P.S. This course is to be taken seriously. A grade below a B will result in immediate expulsion from college. I reserve the right to kick out any trouble makers in my classroom. Hooliganism, and tomfoolery will not be tolerated. Also, i have a zero tolerance for dullness. So please no dulling. Trolls are also not welcome.

The first person to get this question becomes the teachers pet. What does Melu melu mean?

Naija for Life!

Today was our independence day. Naija was 48yrs old today. They say a fool at 40 is a fool 4ver! I know for sure that Nigeria was a fool at 40................ would it be safe to say that Nigeria is going to be a fool forever? Things are not any better than they were 8yrs ago, IMHO. Be that as it may, i LOOOOOOVE Nigeria, all day, everyday. Naija for life!!!!! Beautiful Nigerian People!



Do you see Lenie repping Naija in his green hoodie? That dog don't play. His middle name is not Teju for nothing. He's a true Nigerian son of the soil.





So as u can see, i repped Naija today. I'm very proud to be Nigerian. I really don't care about the bad reputation we have these days for being shady. I know i'm not shady. Everyone i know and love works hard for their money. So i continue to be myself and be a good example of what a TRUE Nigerian is. Happy Independence day. I can't wait to go home to go eat some good yam and egg stew.Oh! The thoughts of suya........ Good naija girl, abeg put me for inside ur luggage naw, biko! What's pls in yoruba?

P.S. I don go buy this hoodie a couple of weeks ago, only for ATL not to cold. Monday and Tuesday was warm. I been don dey vex say i no go fit wear this sweater, cos i didn't buy the green shirt i was looking at. Lo and behold, it was chilly today. Ha!

I hope y'all have seen the count down clock to my birthday. Eh hen! I don't want to be hearing any kind story story on that day.