Saturday, October 26, 2013

Mourning

October 26th, 2013 - Exactly 11 years since we stepped foot in JFK airport and missed our connecting flight from Laguardia to Hartsfield-Jackson, because we were randomly selected to be searched. Exhausted and hungry from the journey, it was the first time anyone had ever asked me if i spoke English. I had just responded to her question in English, so it took me by surprise when in response to my response, I got asked if i spoke English. This was to be the first of many times my English speaking ability was questioned. I had always been the weird child who got on my mother's case for not teaching us any native language. This is a woman who is fluent in Igbo, Hausa, Etsako, Ishan and can understand Bini. Coming to America speaking the only language i knew and barely being understood made me even angrier at my parents. There were many fights about this, until I decided to call a truce over the issue and stop crying over spilled milk. I resolved to just carry on with my heavily accented Nigerian English. I wasn't always nonchalant about it and had a brief period where i refused to talk to strangers (even at work). I actually had someone ask me, if i couldn't speak because i just wouldn't respond to his questions. They were stupid irrelevant questions IIRC. 

Anyway, that was then. I got slowly got used to the huhs?! whenever i spoke, struggled to pronounce 13 and 30, learned to say learned instead of learnt and replaced my British spelling with American spelling, and my British words for American words - boot was now trunk, take-away became to-go, trainers became sneakers and lorry became truck; said underwear instead of pant, while trouser became pants, and resigned myself to the fact that shimi and underwear no longer meant the same thing. For the first two years i was in this country, i HATED it with every fiber of my being. My life was comfortable in Nigeria. I had days of being irritated by the American accents i heard around me, very high pitched, nasal, and just plain annoying. First day of class and people sharing their private lives with you like you are their long lost friend. That baffled me because as we all know, Nigerians are very private people because they all think someone is out to get them and put san san in their garri. I hated it. I hated the overfamilarity of Southerners and having to smile at everyone i passed. I struggled with looking people in the eye because while Nigerians take it as a sign of disrespect if you look older people in the eye, Americans felt you were shady if you didn't make eye contact. I couldn't get used to professors who insisted you call them by their first names. I had to get rid of my discomfort at not having to  "greet" every older person that came my way, regardless of whether i knew them or not. Years of good home training going down the drain. I guess a smile and a hi would suffice.

I started learning how to drive in SS1 with a stick shift but never finished that process. Got here and a couple of months later every morning for 10-15 mins, my dad would teach my sister and I how to drive. After about a week or so, he figured we were ready. Well, that was very debatable as i failed the driving test 3 times and  "didn't pass by much" on the fourth try. My sister passed on the second try, so that got my dad off the hook as he didn't have to drive us around anymore. I would like to think we were a danger on the road that first month, but we didn't get in any accidents, so there must be a God. A few years later, i was the one doing the teaching and i taught my brother how to drive. Fun times! We still have good laughs about those very memorable days with me banging on the passenger side door while fearing for my life.

I don't know exactly when things changed, when i stopped hating America, maybe it was after i resigned myself to the fact that i was not going back to Nigeria and that this was now my life, but my unhappiness at being here went away. I woke up one morning and there was light. Will and Grace was my saving grace those first two years. It was the only thing i looked forward to all day in school. I knew no matter how bad my day was, whenever i got home i would watch Will and Grace and laugh. That show saved my life.  I will always love Jack McFarland. Always. I also don't remember when people stopped saying huh?! when i spoke or asked where i was from as soon as i uttered a word, but it stopped. Maybe 3, 4 or 5 years after i had being here? I really don't remember. I never tried to change my accent. I was too lazy to make the effort it takes to do that. I just spoke. As long as i was  understood, i was perfectly fine. To this day, i think i still sound very Nigerian, although some people would like to argue with me on that and it baffles me because i hear myself. It leaves me to wonder what they are hearing. I get the "you have a slight accent or i detect an accent" comment from time to time. I like to think these people haven't being around Nigerians much because there is nothing slight about my accent. Maybe I have become one of those people who have an accent of indeterminate origin to the untrained ear 

2004 -2006 were years my heart literally ached from missing Naija but for one reason or another, i never got to go. It's 2013 and i still haven't been back but i stopped missing it a long time ago. As time passed, home stopped being Benin-City and became Atlanta, that was a change that snuck up on me. But my identity as a Nigerian has never wavered. I struggled to keep up with the new Pidgin English slangs. Being a blogger and reading Nigerian blogs helped. I still remember asking people what "washing" meant. Till today, i hear a new slang, if i don't understand it from the context, I will definitely ask. I wondered what alanta was for a long time, and was laughed out of house and home when i pronounced it Atlanta. I still think my pidgin is on point, although i was recently teased on my "weak" pidgin. Seriously?! I was accused of not using the right accent to speak it. I personally don't agree. I am an Edo chic, we and waffi people own pidgin.  It doesn't matter how long i have been out of Nigeria, my pidgin will always be on point. Leave that matter.

11 years later - It doesn't feel that long. My sister tagged me on instagram this morning on a picture that said, living the American dream, then she said happy anniversary. I don't think i would have remembered otherwise. My brain is full with a lot of things. I don't know about living the American dream, but i am living a dream, alright. Although this dream has been more like a nightmare than anything else. Hell on earth on hot wheels. Medical School. This dream that i single mindedly pursured from day 1 of entering this country. When my dad suggested Nursing, i don't think i paid him any attention for even a second. I wanted to be a doctor. So i sacrificed having a social life to study and make those A's. My life was Class-Library-Work, a triangle i never deviated from. I volunteered, did research, joined organizations, ran for positions, and did everything i could to make myself competitive for med school. I had a goal i was working towards and it helped me deal with the crap i encountered along the way. I had a goal, i was blind to everything else. Even when i had my first encounter with a back stabbing snake friend from hell, i dusted myself off, tuned everyone out and kept my eyes on the prize. I made it in and it's been nothing like i expected. It's been a hellish experience that has brought me to my knees and laid me flat on my face. Med school has been hell on earth for me and if i had to do it over, i wouldn't do this again. I have no clue what i would rather do, but this is not an experience I should have gone through. My mind agrees with me.

11 years of being in God's own country and i feel like i am in mourning. For what, i am not exactly sure. I don't regret coming here. I don't think my independent spirit and liberal views on certain issues would have done very well in Nigeria. I don't think i would have felt I had a choice not to get married, seeing how your worth as a woman is still defined by your marital status in Nigeria. Maybe i am mourning all these years because they have been spent in the pursuit of medicine and I haven't lived and i am starting to realize that maybe it isn't worth the sacrifice after all. Maybe.

*I have the worst headache known to mankind and i sat here and typed this novella of a blog post. I deserve a medal. If you actually read it to the end, you deserve a medal too.
*Yes! I got here 3 days to my birthday, you can imagine how that birthday sucked! Not a single friend. I had to go get immunization shots too. 

32 comments:

  1. awww, hugs to you dear. its medical school that hard. my baby brother just started university. he wants to be a doctor or should I say his dad wants him to be a doctor.

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    1. I honestly don't think med school is something someone should be made to do. I'm still looking for anyone who says med school is/was a piece of cake. I want to have whatever medication they are on.

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  2. happy birthday in advance. god bless you.

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  3. Gimme my medal. I read till the end!
    When you talk about med school, i wonder sometimes.
    Especially because you say it's your dream, as in you chise it yourself, and i feel like the worst part is over, like clinicals is chill time, so i'm surprised you still feel so bad about it.
    I hope you start to feel better, you've already come this far.

    All the best.

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    1. Maybe one day i will talk about it and it will make sense. Maybe.

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  4. Awwww I can feel ur pain, I may not get it, but I totally feel for u. Hang in there and keep your eyes on the prize.

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  5. Blessings.....
    You accent does change although you may think it hasn't, the very act of enunciating and pronouncing changes the way you phrase things then the proximity and assimilation/adaptation adds to that and changes it even more. How we hear ourselves is different to how other hear us, a good way to test this is to tape yourself and then listen to yourself, always freaks me out.

    Your dream is never in vain and it a show of great strength and focus that you were able to realize that dream. The discontent you are feeling comes from the imbalance that focus cause as the other sides of your life was put on hold. Now is time for balance, its never to late to live every moment and insert some balance of mind, heart, body, soul, spirit.

    Life journeys are seldom what we expect though they are always riddled with lessons (Ask yourself, "what are the lessons along the path of life that I have chosen." Often the let down comes from focusing on the end result instead of looking at the lessons in the journey to the end result. You are strong, you are resilient, you are determined, you are smart, brilliant and resourceful those are great characteristics to possess, now apply them all to balancing. Don't doubt yourself, regret is a waste of time and energy things that are precious. Just life your life and love yourself.

    peace.
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    1. Wow.....very insightful and helpful comment. You r awesome. Thank you.

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    2. Blessing and you are welcome.
      sorry for my errors. i attempted to correct them however i was not able to. lesson learnt, form now on i comment on word and edit edit edit before i copy paste and save.

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  6. Happy birthday in advance babe. Dust off the mourning and celebrate the little victories. This post made me feel bad for ever saying i look forward to your med school woes stories cos it makes me feel better about my crappy grad school woes.

    It's weird how an exciting dream just takes over and sucks life out of you. Just always remind yourself that eventually it will come to an END and celebrate life as it comes. All the best babe.

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    1. Don't feel bad Missy....I'm just dealing with a lot more crap which makes the experience worse than usual. It's bad enough as it is. I wish I saw an "end" anytime soon. Oh wells....

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    2. We would definitely go through a whole pot of herbal tea and some bottles of brandy swapping sad tales. I have just chosen to see an end regardless of what these enemies of progress try to put my way. Try being happy regardless. Whatever it is will definitely come to pass. The irony is that you can't really complain because people of the world will ask you who sent you message. Dont worry, you started this, you will definitely END it.

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  7. You're not coming back ke. I want my medal too

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  8. I've followed your blog, silently, for a while now but this post brought tears to my eyes. Virtual hugs for you darling! You are a strong willed, awesome woman and not even crappy Med school can change it. Keep your head high and constantly remind yourself "that even this shall pass." :)

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    1. Awww.....thank you. I appreciate you making the effort to comment. Thanks.

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  9. Happy Birthday in advance Dr. Scorpio... Don't let the system make you forget your original dream... the striving often makes us forget. You will come out indomitable.

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  10. I felt a lot of things reading this. You really do deserve a medal. Hang in there, it gets better.......I guess.
    Happy birthday in advance. God bless you

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    1. Thank you sis, God bless you too. I accept my medals in cash only. LOL

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  11. Sting, oh darling sting. Happy birthday to you sweetie. You know what I think? I think you should live a lot and bit just a little care free. Although medicine is very rigorous and you may never by able to break away from your circle of life which am thinking you finding very boring but on your day off and leave, may sure you don't sit home, go out, travel some where experience life and be happy. Make sure you don not let the system get you down, it has a way if doing that. Have a fulfilled day. Many more years to come x

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    1. Awww....thank you. That's my goal, to live a little. I will make a bucket list and start checking things off.

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  12. I'm not exactly sure what to say but i loved the novella and one thing stands true for you always: You are a strong woman. All the very best *hugs*

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    1. Strong woman....pls, don't insult real strong women o! But i shall collect the hug. Thanks, sis.

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  13. Happy Anniversary.. It can be really tough adjusting to a new country sow elld one for sticking it for 11years! + You speak etsako? My mum is Afemai! :-) xx

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    1. I don't speak Etsako. I wish i did. Both my parents do. My dad is Estako (and i am by default lol) and my mom learned to speak it after they got married.

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  14. i know i am late but i connected with this post.
    1. will and grace saved my life too when I was living in Chicago and was miserable . I was guaranteed a laugh at the end of a miserable day. I understand the sacrifices and wondering if its all worth it. Its this goal you have and you pursue it with a single mindedness. it never stops though, its the career we have chosen. Medical school for me was destiny shaping, I had the time of my life. I wont do it over again but God surrounded me with people that were blessings. I am sorry your experience for medical school was not the same. When I matched the first time my friend told me something "He said enjoy it. We get to experience something less that five percent of the worlds population will ever experience We get to say " I am a medical doctor."

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  15. This post touched me and is making me feel all kinds of tender towards you. Ey yaa. Look, I will teach you Igbo never mind. And way to go for chasing your dreams no matter how hellish. One day you will sit back and laugh 'Kwa kwa kwa'.

    Your Igbo lesson just started. The above is how to laugh in Igbo, not 'Ha ha ha'. Who the hell laughs like that anyway?

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  16. awwwwwwww... interesting you know.. the accent chang creeps up on you. I have been in the UK 10 years now and its a bit sad i also dont miss nigeria anymore, it feels like home here too. and i still have an accent but like you, it is now understandable LOL.

    Hopefully you made up with this birthday but you didn't get 11 years ago! happy anniversary and cheers to happier more fufiling years ahead.

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  17. Hmmmm..... I can so relate with everything minus the medical school. I miss my home country so much and in a way I feel like I havnt really embraced my new life in America.
    I also get elated anytime I talk and I don't hear a 'huh'!

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