Running away

2 exams down, one more to go! Taking a breather.

I deactivated my rebtel account. That thing was bleeding me dry. It was so convenient too, but i'm not working anymore and i can't be using the little money i have to make calls when there is skype. Plus, i needed to stop calling whoever i was calling. Anyway, as you are about to cancel the account they let you know u can't use the same credit card that you currently have on there if you decide to come back.....i hesitated for a moment then i said good! I was using my main debit card. I have another checking account but that's just for my school loan money cos this dead zone that i'm currently in doesn't have BOA. I can't imagine signing up for rebtel with my "school" checking account, so that should help me curtail my excesses.

Been off facebook for a min now. Went back a couple of times to send some messages to a particular human being. Out of my million million friends only 3 have checked up on me. I have no desire to go back there. I might even remove skype from my computer. I'm running away from a lot of things and my anti-social nature is at an all time high.

Anyway, break over. Back to the books.

Walking away

I have to start trusting that God will TAKE CARE of me. If i did that i know that i wouldn't worry so much about everything because i know he got me.

I know that no matter how much i mess up, how badly i act, God will always give me a second chance.

I pray for healing.
I pray for strength.

I'm done crying over this.

I'm walking away.

Love

.................mschew!

Koko

I wasted today feeling like crap.....barely studied or rather studied with little focus or concentration. Now it's 11pm and I'm tired. The good thing is i had studied really hard during the week before things got bad so i am fairly confident i will do well. I wouldn't have spent most of the day moping if i didn't feel i had a good grasp of the material. The difference between my preparedness last year and this year is enormous. I remember freaking out about having to study 178 pages in a week and barely getting through it twice. This year i have gone over it 3 times in all chapters and 4 times in the ones that were meaty and i mean gone over it with a fine tooth comb and memorizing stuff. Last year, i was reading like i was reading a novel...... I sorry for myself.

Question to self: Why am i blogging right now?

I guess i feel the need to talk to someone or release some tension. Been mighty sad. Dug up the mental health pamphlet from my school and was thinking of going back to therapy. I get 8 free sessions b4 i have to start paying or rather before my insurance has to get involved. I thought i had decided on it, but i might hold off on it and see how i feel. I've got issues mehn! We all do, but i'm ready to deal with mine.

Looking forward to going home next month. Have some stuff to do in Atlanta. I get to see my niece, the Iz! stock up on plantain chips and turkey neck. Seriously, turkey necks are the best snack ever. I just discovered that when i went home after i left Florida. I went to the farmer's market with my sister and in addition to the other meat she got, she got turkey necks and ribs. I was like, what are u planning to do with that?(not in a nice way) She told me to wait and see......after my mom had seasoned and baked it, i willingly went over to the dark side. In fact, i don't even want to eat the regular parts of turkey now, i just want the neck.

By the way, my one and only blogger --> Skype---> friend-friend, i think u r awesome. You really are. Thank you.

I shall be back with good news tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Today

THE END.

I want to take little parts of myself that i am dissatisfied with and work on them. Let's start with the cussing. I remember a time when not a single swear word was part of my vocabulary, neither spoken nor thoughts. Now, i'm the queen of cussing. Some things don't even sound right to me if they don't have a swear word attached to them. I remember when i first got here (america) and my older sister would cuss and say "that shit blah blah blah" it sounded so cool..... i wanted to be able to talk like that.

Then came the Jamaican dude i dated for 6 months. Jamaican in origin, African American in orientation, this dude could not have a normal everyday conversation without cussing. "Shit" and " Fucking" were like "a" and "the". That's how slowly but surely, he rubbed off on me and i became this person who can't go a day without cussing. I no longer think it's cool or cute, worst of all, i have noticed that it fuels my anger. Sometimes, cussing can be like a stress reliever, like when u stub ur toe or something and u let out an expletive, it can help you calm down. Research has been done on it (i can't remember where i read it anymore). I just don't think it's lady like at this point in my life. I really want to ditch the habit.

After the events of the last couple of weeks and the aftermath, i think i seriously need to check myself before i wreck myself. Seriously. On the anger front, i have decided that since i don't know how to deal with anger, i am quitting it cold turkey. Much, much easier said than done, but whenever i get angry, i have decided to just not deal with the emotion at least not at that time. I will just walk away from it and come back much later when i would surely have calmed down.

Ms. Nitty Gritty was right about Nigerian movies being a great tool for dealing with anger. I laughed for the first time in a week yesterday when i was watching one. It was just so stupid, i had to laugh.

I'm taking deep breaths.
One day at a time
One day at a time.

P.S. Life doesn't always give second chances, so let's try to do it right the first time ....Sting
P.P.S Why do i always have to learn the hard way?
P.P.P.S. I am such a stubborn goat. Urgh!

Forgive me

I am going to be using this space as facebook/twitter since i am not a member of those at the moment. Well, i'm still on twitter, but i never took to it. Writing here helps me feel less crazy and isolated, even though i really am both of those things.

Study update: All 10 chapters read at least once, the earlier chapters at least twice. Now for the fine tooth comb approach which simply means memorizing every little freaking detail. Come to find out some of the questions are VERY detail orientated.....who would have thunk it?!! In med school.....NO!!!

I need to see a Doctor sharpish. This stupid gastritis is acting up badly and Zantac is not working anymore. Worst of all, i can't drink anything with caffeine, which is as good as death by hanging in med school.

Oh, because i need someone to forgive me, i decided to forgive someone in return. Remember that dude who left that nasty voicemail for me and wouldn't stop calling? (It's okay if you don't remember, i'll link it eventually) He did eventually stop calling, but not really cos he called once in June, then called again last week. I figured since it was still on his mind up until now to ask me for forgiveness, then i should go ahead and tell him i have forgiven him. So i did that this evening and i told him i hope i did not make a mistake.

I want to take a nap, but it always turns into full blown sleep esp since i don't have the help of caffeine. I think i'll suck it up and stay awake.

What do u guys think of the name Sunny (instead of Sting).....i think it's a beautiful name for a girl, and if i have a daughter i'll probably name her that.

That's all folks.

Today

My last post was my 100th post for the year. Considering my total posts last year was 123, i wonder what i have been yapping about this year.

Been studying since i woke up. I set one alarm for 5a and another one for 5.30a, both came and went and i refused to wake up. Finally got up at 6a, class was at 8.30a, i was supposed to skim read 3 chapters before going to class. Somehow, somehow, i talked myself back into bed and decided to skip class today. Woke up and started studying at 8.30a. It took me 7 freaking hours (with a couple of breaks in between to finish one chapter. I have 2 more to go. That's just to catch up with the lectures of today. If na before, i for don finish tay tay, but i am memorizing as i go along, no time to waste.

I have 7 more chapters to go over this night then add the 3 lectures of today, that makes 10 chapters and 178 pages for this week just in Genetics o. I made the mistake of glossing over the notes last year and not memorizing everything. Of course, i failed the test. I don sleep my last sleep until Monday night. I must honor this test.

Medical school..... Is it too early to start complaining (again)?

More Stuff

I'm still a Nigerian Scorpio but i no longer want to identify as "Sting". Never really liked the name anyway. I picked it cos i'm a scorpio and scorpions sting...i wasn't trying to use too much brain power.

I don't want to FIGHT anymore, so i can no longer call myself Sting. All the harshness it connotes, i don't want to be a part of. The incidents of the last two weeks have left me deflated. I can't continue the way i was headed. Too much anger, too much fights, too much aggressiveness. I have decided to massively chill out. Major personality overhaul. I will definitely be looking into going back to therapy because i realize that i need professional help. This is beyond bad. I can't even forgive myself or justify my actions. I went too far. It's hard to deal with because i more than care about this person that i have managed to utterly hurt. I highly doubt that the situation is reparable, but i can at least work on myself.

So while i'm at it (if i don't kill the dog with the fucking annoying half-hungry/half dead bark first), i'm ditching "sting" and i am changing the byline of my blog title. You don't need to watch your fingers anymore, i don't want to bite anyone.

I have no idea what name i am switching to. It might be a while before the switch happens, but it is going to happen. I have pretty much gone into hiding at the moment, deactivated my facebook account, no automatic signing in to skype, if i sign in at all, my phone is turned off. I am withdrawing myself from the world so people don't have to deal with the mess that is me. So here i am, isolating myself yet i can't stand myself at the moment. Recipe for disaster.

By the way, i officially hate school. Boring as hell. I can't believe i have to do this shit over.

Maybe i should add stop swearing on my list......it might help reduce the anger.

Can anyone tell i'm having a bad day? Maybe i'm just having a bad life! Sick of it!!!!

Snippet

I bet you guys want to know what happened with the love triangle saga? Well, cos i'm nice like that. I will tell you...... but not now, in August or September maybe. Definitely before the year runs out. The story is still unfolding. Oh, guess who decided to pop back in the picture? Mr. Man. I'm not having that at all. He had his chance(s) and he blew it. His puppy act is not going to cut it. He's not fooling me with that crap especially since i have seen him at his worst and trust me when i say it's not pretty. One of my friends told me at that time "If you marry that one, na cry you go dey cry everyday" and i totally agree with her.

Heartless motherfucker. I really don't understand guys. The dude had me eating out of the palm of his hand, i was his little bitch. As my friend said, he had my mumu button. (it took me a minute to figure that one out. I've been away from naija for too long) Well, the mumu button don malfunction. E no dey work again. Now that i have finally moved on, after listening to T.D Jakes Let it go like 100 times over the course of 3 days, he now wants me back? God forbid bad thing. If dem send you come, tell dem say i no dey house. Somebody please help me understand this person.


Favorite picture of the week. My 10 month old niece/god daughter. I can't wait to see her next month. She has 2 teeth now. They grow so fast.

Antsy

I feel very ansty. Like i'm waiting for something to happen and i'm not even sure what it is. I'm restless, on edge, pretty much in a gray area. Don't like it too much cos i like my life to be orderly.

So the fine boy that i met, doesn't actually have a chic but he has a chic he likes. However according to him, she is seasonal. He says he likes me. Am i now his second choice or is he giving up on first chic that won't agree for him? Don't know and i this point, i don't care too much. I've been talking to his much cuter cousin (whom for whatever reason, i'm not attracted to), come to find out today that he might like me, but he won't do anything about it out of principle. He knows his cousin likes me and i already mentioned that i liked his cousin. This dude is pretty boy cute with a capital Q! Not sure y i am not attracted to him cos his my kind of cute. We shall see sha. The one that i think i'm attracted to is meskaforming. I don't have time.

I'm still dealing with Mr. Man issues, so i'm not serious about anything. Just enjoying the gisting and blooming friendships and the attention too :) Taking one day at a time. I no fit shout.

For some reason, i have been craving sweets. Yesterday, i pretty much didn't eat food, besides cereal and some general tso's chicken from the walmart deli. I had a slice of caramel turtle pecan cheese cake for breakfast (YES!!!, bad i know), then some key lime cheese cake after cereal for lunch. Then a piece of banana nut muffin, then some pound cake in the evening. I had to physically stop myself. Little surprise that i went from 152lb to 154lbs in 2 days. I can't help myself. Don't even know if this is emotional eating cos i haven't even being wanting to eat lately.

I ate much better today though. Although i did have another slice of the caramel turtle pecan cheesecake and a very very little piece of strawberry swirl cheesecake. I almost reached for the key lime cheesecake but i stopped myself and grabbed an orange instead. In case u r wondering, i absolutely love cheesecake and once a month, i get to eat it. I bought the cheesecake sampler for $6.00 from walmart and it had 4 different flavors, then i bought a little mini individual key lime cheesecake. Then my sister got a pound cake and a medium red velvet cake for her fiance. So yes, there's currently a lot of cake in the refrigerator at the moment. It's crazy, i know. Cos in the last couple of months, all u see in the refrigerator is healthy stuff. Spinach, carrots, mixed veggies, broccoli. Not even bread.

I'll do better tomorrow. Hopefully :)

The List

Unlike Chilli from VH1's what Chilli wants, i like to think that i don't have a list. So i was talking to a friend yesterday and i told him that i don't have a list, i like to go with the flow, but I can't date a short guy, and i like cute guys and he laughed and said like all girls i was confused and contradicting myself. In my bid to further explain myself, i said NO!!! I'll date anyone, but i really don't want a

• short guy
• I want a cute guy
• I like dark skinned guys - never been attracted to light skinned guys
• He has to be ambitious and driven
• Good command of the English language especially if you are Nigerian
• I really want a Nigerian man
• He can't have a mean streak or be harsh
• He can't be too soft or too harsh, he has to be balanced
• Did i say he has to be cute
• I don't want a guy who smokes
• I want a guy who thinks the sun rises and sets on me
• I want that 1 in 10 guy who doesn't cheat
• Someone who will love me for me
• I want a sweetheart
• A guy who is supportive and caring
• I want someone who knows it's hardwork being in a relationship and is prepared to work on it
• I want a nice guy
• Someone who has good morals and puts God first

Hmmm...... maybe i do have a list. Permit me to continue to think otherwise. It sounds better when i say it. Oya, people tell me. What's on ur list? Do you or do u not have one?

Best thing about today

Some retail therapy was definitely in order.

I feel better after my shopping stint, plus i got a friend to shave his beard in exchange for me being happy. Can you imagine the silliness? He really shaved. I was just grinning from ear to ear when i saw him on skype today. Silly goose. 

Sorry for all my gloomy and sad posts. This year has been something else, but i'm getting back to myself. I didn't get out of bed until 12pm today. I spent the whole morning in bed listening to T.D. Jakes, Let it go. I must have listened to it 30 times. It was like a balm soothing my aching heart. I will share some of the things i took from it. Things that have helped me make sense of a senseless situation.

"Nothing just happens"
"When people can walk away from you, let them walk, because your destiny is not tied to the one who left"
"Know when someone's part in your story is over"
"You have to know when it's dead, so you don't keep trying to raise the dead"
"If you tried to fix it and make it work and it wouldn't work, it wasn't an accident"
"Stop begging people to stay. Let them go"

T.D. Jakes said "I have the gift of goodbye, it's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful because whatever God means for me to have, he'll give it to me. If it takes too much sweat, I don't need it"  
 That's deep. I need the gift of goodbye.  I definitely don't have it. It all comes with having faith and trusting that God will take care of you regardless. That is freaking deep!!!!

I made a decision that is hard to deal with, but i'm sure it was the right decision. It's not what i would have wanted but I can't settle for less than i deserve. Even though things are not officially ended at this point (a whole lot of back and forth, on my part), It ended in my head yesterday after a very long and nonsense conversation. I can deceive the world, but i can never deceive myself.  As hard as it is, i have to do what's best for me and my future. I know that there's true love out there for me and i will be blessed enough to find it. I'm willing to wait and not settle for less. It's hard! but i have dragged this on for too long and i'm ready to let go so i can find peace and be happy once again. Life's too short.

2.14 - 5.45 is where i liked

Introspective rant

I am utterly, utterly, absolutely pathetic!!!!! I HATE myself so much right now. I know better, yet i won't do better. I can't! It's like a demonic spirit has taken over my mind and i have lost all my reasoning. I don't recognize myself, or like what i'm seeing.

I am such a Scorpio! This need for control is going to send me to an early grave. Only me wants to use my hand to kill myself. Mental torture, emotional torture, physical torture. The devil is after my life o. God!

I've lost my self respect.
I've lost my dignity.
I've lost my pride.

All for what? I need this pain to end. God, u r so much better than this and you know it. I'm so ashamed of u. I can't wait for this time of my life to be over. I know i will look back and ask myself "what were u thinking?"

I hate today with a passion.

I can't continue like this.

April

I hated this month. I'm not sad to see it go. Let it go with all the wahala and heartache it brought me. Bah bye, dey go o. I made a huge move today. I'm trusting God to see me through because i know i can't do this by myself. April 2010, good riddance to bad rubbish.

I've always thot April was a weird month anyway. My apologies to all the April babies. You all should have been born in October. I'm just saying.

Expectations

I've been thinking about expectations in relationships. Over the years i have had to adopt the saying that never expect anything so you won't be disappointed. At the same time, how realistic is it to have no expectations from the person you are in a relationship with? I don't think it's realistic at all. It's easy to say and believe but hard to do.

I also think the expectations in a LDR relationship are different. Most of the daily interaction of that relationship takes place over the phone or on the internet (Skype, messenger etc). Given that there would at least be that expectation that both parties call regularly. If you are going to call whenever you feel like, what differentiates you from a regular friend? I hate LDR's btw, i don't think i will be embarking on another one if this one doesn't work out. I'm about to go crazy from all the stress. My last relationship was with someone who lived 10mins from me, but we would only see like once or twice a week because i was working 2 jobs and he switched his work schedule so he would have weekends off, knowing that i worked weekends. Anyway, even though we lived close to each other, since we didn't see all the time, we spent a lot of time on the phone. We would fight all the time, up to the point where we both noticed that we only fought on the phone and we got alone perfectly in person. So just imagine my present predicament.

Anyhoodle, i think there's some basic expectation from a significant other and telling someone not to having any expectations so they won't be disappointed and be more appreciative is a cop out from responsibility. So i was asked what the basic expectations are and to me, it's

• Keep in touch regularly, it doesn't have to be everyday but it better be if he knows what's good for him :))
• Act like you care. If you like pretend that's on you but i don't want to have to question whether you care about what's going on with me or not.
• Communicate. Talking over stuff cannot be overemphasized in any relationship.

To me those are pretty basic stuff. I don't think i'm asking for too much.

How honest are u?

I'm talking about in relationships. I used to be of the school of thot that there has to be full 100% disclosure on everything when u r in a relationship with someone. Of course, u don't just flood the person with all ur deep, dark secrets right at the beginning but i think as time goes on and you guys get closer then u have to tell everything. If for nothing else, just so the person has all the information to make an informed decision. You don't want to deceive someone into staying with u or even getting with u in the first place.

What about the issue of other guys or toasters? Do you tell your boyfriend about other guys or give him information on a need to know basis? I think it depends on the person you are dealing with. Some guys claim to be able to handle it when in reality they really can't. I used to think being completely open made the relationship stronger, but i think differently now. So now, i keep my mouth shut cos i'm not doing anything wrong and i know if i decide to disclose my newest toaster all in the name of being open and honest, it would result in a one hour fight I don't have the strength for. 

Then there's the issue of the ex. Now if my boyfriend was still talking to his ex, i would be mad, like seriously mad. No, you can't just be friends, that doesn't exist in my world. Maybe i'm being unreasonable but that's how i feel. The guy i dated for 10 months last year was still friends with his most recent ex. They would go out to dinner and the movies from time to time, sometimes just to the movies. I can be very easy going when i want to be so i would usually say this is not cool with me but i can't force you to do anything you don't want to. Ok o. The day that he saw my red eye was after they came back from the movies, they went back to his apartment and i called and she was still there. His excuse was she wanted to hang out and he just couldn't kick her out cos they were friends. I put my foot down after that day. I didn't stop him from talking to her but he knew exactly where i stood on that issue. They never hung out again after that day. But the thing is, I'm friends with all my exes, including this one i just talked about.

When i first started talking to the most recent dude, i would tell him my ex just called and stuff like that. Initially, he acted like it was no biggie, after he got comfortable he started expressing his anger and he would ask how i would feel if he was the one still dealing with his ex. My response was always, "but i know i would never get back with him". Now if the tables were turned and he told me that, that shit wouldn't fly with me. Anyway, it got to a point where he pretty much told me he wasn't down with me being friends with my ex. I thought about it and i really didn't see the point of not talking to my ex anymore. So what have i been doing? I just don't tell him anymore. What happened to being completely open and honest? I no longer think it's worth the headache that comes with it. As long as i know i'm not doing anything wrong, i don't see the point of disclosing stuff that will only lead to me having a headache. Besides, i know for a fact that he only tells me stuff on a need to know basis, so why should i keep running my mouth because i'm the Queen of Honesty, abi?

So i guess at this point i think all the big stuff should be disclosed. Like don't tell me you are 29 yrs old when you are 41yrs old. Yes, that has happened to me before. Would i have wanted to touch a 41yr old man with a 10 foot pole? Hell to the no! So when i was dealt that lie, he took away my right to make an informed decision. So yeah, the big stuff counts. I think the little everyday issue should be on a need to know basis, especially if you are dating a guy who rates himself a 6 on the jealousy scale but in actuality might be an 8 and a half.

Feedback

I really don't like talking relationship stuff on this blog for a lot of reasons but i appreciate the advice u guys gave. CultureSoup asked "if you don't like his character what's the point of finding out whether he wants to be in a relationship with you?" Best question of the year, cos it made me stop and think and i'm still thinking.

So did i stick to the plan? Not exactly. According to the plan, i'm supposed to call him later this evening, but seriously, I didn't know if i could be in suspense that long. However, i acknowledge that sometimes u have to give pple space, so i didn't respond to his annoying text on Friday evening and i left him alone all day Saturday.  After i got off work yesterday, i called him. He answered on the first ring (literally) and said "Hey, i was just about to call you". I asked him how he was, and he said he had been sick. He sounded really bad, and i was like,"Hmmm.... there was no plan for if he was sick. Do i still talk for 1 min or do i just talk to him seeing how he was sick". I figured, u know what, this dude has been annoying me for a hot min so whatever. I did ask about his symptoms cos i'm not that uncaring, but the conversation was very short. I told him i was tired from work (which he had earlier asked me to quit btw and he will pay my bills, but i had refused) and that i wanted to spend some time with my dad who was visiting for a day.

I sent him a couple of texts abt some stuff my dad was trying to do that he had a question about and he responded and then called me this morning with a more detailed response. The "script" did not call for me calling him at all, but i figured it would be nice to see how he was doing since he still sounded really bad when he called. So i just called him a few minutes ago, he's still very sick, he sounds horrible, he feels horrible, and he has no idea what i had planned for him, so we are "normal".

To those who asked, why i haven't just straight up asked him what he wants. Trust me, i have. I even gave him an out on Friday. Regardless of how upset he makes me at time, one of the reasons, i haven't walked away is this. Even though things did not turn out as i would have loved with regards to school, i wouldn't have been able to get through the mental stress of last semester without this dude. He was like a God sent angel, i swear. He was more than there for me. He was very supportive, understanding and encouraging. He pushed me towards God again and got me to believe in prayers and go to church (something i hadn't done since 2003). I got to see the best of him at that time.

I probably seemed like i hated his guts yesterday, but i really don't. I was just frustrated at myself.  I don't always like how he handles issues, like Barefeet mentioned in her comment, he shuts down when i start to talk. It's almost like a machine that has a total malfunction whenever there's sign of trouble, but when are getting along, it's like we are best friends. Break ups are not easy for me to do, especially when i like the person. When i walk away from all this, i want to be sure that i gave us a chance and i wasn't hasty in ending things. I never want to have any regrets. With that being said, i still think i need to give him some space. I need it for myself also.

Relationship games

Sometimes in life, despite our best intentions or our best efforts things don't always turn out as we would like. Right now, it seems like nothing is going "right" in my life. I had to take a leave of absence from school and go back in August to start over, the only thing worse than that would have been if i was kicked out of school. So as sad as i tend to get at times, i have to remember that. It doesn't make me feel better, but i remember it.

My relationship is crap! That's my head talking. He's a fine, fine boy. That has always been my weakness. I too like fine boys. Then again, I'm not bad looking myself. One of our ongoing battles is who is better looking, cos as much as i get compliments, he gets compliments also. The worst is all those shameless girls on facebook. Idiots. Anyway, i often tell him when i'm pissed, which is often these days, that his face was wasted on him cos he's such a horrible person. Horrible, horrible, selfish bastard. U will be SO wrong if u look at his face and use that to form an impression of his personality. He's an asshole X10! I think he was asleep when God passed out the niceness gene. Fine for nothing.

Tell me how the relationship is going to last when i think such nasty thots about him, but that's the reality. When i look at how he treats me, and i see all these guys that are dying to be with me (no joke or exaggeration), i wonder if i have lost my sanity somewhere. I'm taking deep breaths. Why can't i just walk away?

So right now after a series of events, i'm in the middle of playing relationship games as advised by one of my closest friends and endorsed by that devil's cousin.

• Don't call him for 2 days
• On the third day call him for no more than a minute (his cousin said i better set a timer so i don't exceed one minute cos he knows me)
• Then wait and see if he calls me the next day. 
• If he does, act normal like everything is fine. La dee dah!
• Let him keep doing all the calling for a long time, until the relationship is balanced. 

OR

• If he doesn't pick up my call on the third day, give him an hour and call again. Maybe he was away from the phone (talk true!). 
• If he doesn't pick up the second call, call one more time. 
• If he doesn't pick up the third call, never call again. 

OR

• If he picks up the call and I talk for the prescribed one minute but doesn't call the next day or the next day, don't ever call him again. 

OR

• If he happens to call me before the 2 days are up, then talk like normal. Nothing happened, i'm not upset. We are still BFF's.
• But let him do all the calling for a long, long time.  

My response to all this was, what the fuck is this nonsense about? Why should i be playing games at this age. His cousin's response was "Shut up and do it, you ask too many why's". Their point is, if i follow this plan to the tee, i would know for sure if he really wants to be in the relationship or not (like say na me toast am in the first place). He said i am no longer in control and i need to get that back. I should be the pursed and never the pursurer.

Na wa!

At this point i have to accept that sadness and disappointment are temporary and everything is going to be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Tough Choice

Sometimes in life we have to make very difficult "purely head" decisions. Your heart says one thing but your head knows better. It is those times u have to grit ur teeth and bear it. Clench ur fists, harden ur heart and get through it. When it is over, you will be able to breath again.

I'm clenching my fists, gritting my teeth and bearing it. (I haven't become a white woman overnight, excuse the picture)

I need to be happy. I need some peace of mind. I need to breath.

Emotional Abuse

No one has made me feel like this in a long time. I feel so out of control, like i can't get my emotions in check and i'm letting someone get the better of me. It's not that serious. No one can put you through what u don't let them. I've had many bad days this yr and today was right up there with the rest of them, but instead of being about school stress, it was because of a boy. My emotions just got out of hand and unfortunately i can't attribute it to PMS.

Your apologies just fuel my anger. Ordinarily, we would have been fine since yesterday, but i just couldn't stop being angry, to the point where i made u angry and now we are on this stupid roller coaster.
Who's apologizing to who? I've spent ovr 24hrs been mad, but now when i am ready to stop being mad, u decide to start being mad. I'm still angry, but right now i want ur attention more than i want to be angry and i can't get it.

Now i'm miserable/sad and still angry. I want to hate u so bad!!!!