Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Let's Play a Game

Okay people, humor me. I'm curious and you can consider it your good deed for the month. For those of you who have read my blog for a while (or however long) and follow me on instagram (which means you know what i look like),  tell me, did your idea of me/ preconceived notion of who i am match what i look like? Did  it change after you saw my picture? etc etc etc. I'm really curious because  I had an experience where i saw a blogger's picture and it did not match what i had imagined. I almost wished I never saw him/her/it (trying to go for gender ambiguity here, don't read any meaning into that).

Another question: What has instagram taught you about me that you wouldn't have guessed by just reading my blog alone.

 Okay, this is not really a game, more like work for you guys but I really want to know, so humor me. Please and thank you.

the former Madam Sting :)

Monday, April 21, 2014


I just took down that post. I really appreciate all the people who took the time to say something to me. It meant a lot to me but it was too real to leave out there. I have wanted to take it down for a while now, but i left it as long as I could.It had 606 views, so if you were meant to see it, you most likely did.  Maybe one day when i'm back to my baseline and i have returned all the fucks given back to their owners, I can continue that conversation.

For now, i'm just chilling and surprisingly finding humor in things that are not in the slightest bit funny.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Get Fit- join our blog


We (we being the blogsville "community") happen to have a fitness blog which i started and abandoned last year. LOL. Luckily there are more dedicated people who have been keeping the blog going. The blog is for anyone who want to join and share their fitness or weight loss journey and any useful tips. We host challenges from time to time. It can be as good as we want it to be. Email, if you want to be added as a writer on the blog.

Come join naijafatbusters today.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Let's catch up

Yesterday I come up with a list of things i want to start doing regularly if not everyday
  1. Blog
  2. Journal
  3. Draw
  4. Work out
I started taking free online drawing lessons. I have a natural ability to draw fairly well, but i have never taken an art class or had any formal instructions on that, so now that i have some free time, i want to pursue that interest. I have drawn something today and done a couple of shading exercises, so i decided to blog next.

Even though i might be anonymous to a lot of you, i'm not exactly an anonymous blogger. Not only do friends, some classmates and family have access to this blog, i also have my pictures on instagram. So lately, it's been quite a challenge to figure out what to share especially since i am actually still dealing with some of the things i would like to talk about.

I think any insightful or perceptive long time reader of this blog can easily put two and two together and figure out something is wrong even if they don't know what. I'm not interested in complaining and ranting about how unfair life can be on here because that's what my paper journal is for. I'll say this though, twice in my life i have become a statistic (or maybe 3 times).

- 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence (intimate partner violence) in their life time.  The first time i heard that stat was in my Psychology of Women's course in undergrad. That was also the first time it dawned on me that i was a statistic. I was the one out of four. I had never been around any kind of relationship abuse, so i had no clue that the emotional and verbal abuse could possibly turn physical. It didn't even cross my mind. Without going into details and being overly dramatic, let's just say i am thankful I did not die that day. I could very, very, very, very, very, easily have been killed that day. I saw a human being turn into an unrecognizable monster and before the skeptics and victim blamers ask me what I did to cause it, you would just have to take my word that I didn't do anything wrong. I wrote a statement for my lawyer in 2005 when it happened and I have never read it again. When I let someone read it this year, the comment I got was "that guy shouldn't be allowed around women". They said it read like a Nollywood movie, which was a very apt statement because the whole experience was very surreal. I am so thankful for my family. The day that guy hit me was the last day I spoke to him. The only times i saw him after that was in court.
 I'm completely over that experience, thankfully. I was in therapy for a year because of it. Some stupid Nigerian guy (who lives in Nigeria) who was trying to talk to me back then said i should get over myself, what do I mean I'm in therapy because a guy hit me "Na only you man done beat before?" those were his exact words to me. I was just like wow, wow, wow.

My experience with this guy also gave me the opportunity to see what a FRENEMY looked like. That was a lesson i am very glad i had early on. I have picked my close friends very wisely since then. I'd rather not have any friends than to have a snake as a friend. That girl was the height of evil. God forbid!

It would be nice to say i will tell you guys the full story one day, but I know I won't. I'm not trying to remember all of that mess.

- ~25% of medical students suffer from depression. "Research also suggests that black students are particularly more susceptible to suicidal thoughts" Source

There's this Mnemonic SIG E CAPS that is used to screen for major depression - Sleep, Interest, Guilt (or hopelessness), Energy, Concentration, Appetite, Psychomotor agitation or retardation, Suicidal

There's a big difference between just having a bad day vs being sad vs clinical depression. During my first and second years, I was surprised and very thankful that I didn't get depressed but i was beyond stressed out. I felt like i was in a never ending hazing process. The madness was unreal but I would have a bad day, sleep it off and bounce back the next day. But from mid 2012, I started hanging out more in the sad but not completely depressed zone. I'll leave all the gruesome details out as to the whys and hows, but being in med school can be a bitch. I would constantly screen myself for depression using SIGECAPS, sometimes I would have 5 or 6 out of 8, but never 8 out of 8. But Instead of things to get better with time, they got worse when i started scoring 8 out of 8 constantly.

I don't have a lazy bone in my body, so when I saw myself spending whole weekends in bed, only getting up to pee and barely eating, I knew there was a problem, talk about psychomotor retardation. I was pratically a zombie for all intents and purposes. The whole time I would be in the hospital, all i'm thinking of is when i can leave and go lie down in my bed. I remember days when I would go to clinic and not even bother saying a word when i went in with the doctor to see the patient, even though the doctor specifically asked me to chime in and interview the patient with him (I thought that was a shitty way to do things anyway).

 I have a Bachelors in Psychology which i believe is a blessing to me as a Nigerian female because it allowed me to destigmatize and give appropriate importance and attention to mental illness. Towards the end of last year, I literally couldn't exist anymore. When your mind is not right, nothing can be right. I would come home from rotations and curl up on the floor in a corner of my apartment with my hands pressed hard against my ears trying to drown out my thoughts. I didn't want to hear the thoughts in my head, it was a battle and i wasn't winning. I constantly dealt with the thought of hanging myself but I knew I wouldn't do it because I love my mother and my little nieces too much to do that to them. Inspite of all this, I would still have get up in the morning, dress up, show up to rotations and act attentive and enthusiastic. Do you know what hell is? I know what hell is. I have been there, I lived there for months and it is horrible. September 16th, 2013 i was driving to go take a shelf exam, I had just taken step 2 CK less than 2 days prior (Sept 14th) and i spent the night of the 15th unable to sleep or study due to freaking out. As i drove to school that morning, there was this truck coming in the opposite direction from me and it took all the will power i had not to drive in front of it. That freaked me out! I was the last person to show up for the exam. I don't know how i took that exam and passed because I wasn't even 50% mentally present for that exam.

On October 29th, 2013, my birthday, I was on overnight call in the hospital, but I had an appointment I had no intention of missing. My birthday present to myself last year was to go see a psychiatrist, so i could attempt to get my mind right and want to live again.

I'm still on that journey.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

On Blogging---- take 2!

First things first - Myne please email your contact details so you can get your heart massager. So you guys can see, i'm the worst person to host a giveaway.

I just started watching the Braxton family values, only because i ran out of bridezilla episodes on netflix and I have been quite entertained by Tamar. She has such an animated personality and is a perfect example of the kind of monster spoiling a last born can create. Her lack of self awareness is amazing but she makes good TV. Anyway, there was an episode where Toni Braxton was talking about not wanting to do music anymore, she doesn't feel it/feel any connection to her fans. It reminded me of how i currently feel about blogging. I think the biggest reason I am no longer interested/motivated to blog is that i have completely lost connection with my readers. I don't even know who my audience is anymore. Nobody likes to talk to themselves, the whole process has slowly lost its appeal.

I've always been bad at responding to comments and for the most part it was a time issue. I know it would be helpful if i interacted more with my readers but seriously guys, I take the time to put up a post and get ONE comment?! I think i have the most selfish readers on planet earth, I swear! Let's be real here. Selfish mostly single women between the ages of 18-35. I kid, i kid but una no dey try sha.

Prism i saw your comment, thank you. I would love to share too, but i only have silent readers these days :) The kind of readers who rush my coming out of the closet post but don't bother saying a word. So i should be entertaining you people and not get anything in return.

Okay, let me not blame you guys too much, i'll take part of the blame and say i have just lost my blogging mojo because i always blogged regardless of whether i get comments or not. I've thought about officially leaving but i'm not there yet. I don't enjoy it anymore, maybe it's because of what is going on in my life and realizing this is no longer an outlet to process such things and I really don't feel connected to you guys anymore. It's just gone.

It's been over 7 years of blogging consistently, almost non-stop, the climate has changed, my audience has changed, I have changed. I have felt many different ways about blogging, but never like this.

There's no point to this post. I had no intention of blogging today. The real reason i am typing this is that i was let out of my rotation VERY early and I have an appointment in school at 230p, so i decided to kill time by writing a blog post and this, my friends is what you get.
Hey guys, welcome to my blog. Sit back, relax, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy!

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