Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Thots on this thing called marriage

So marriage and relationships have been on my mind a lot lately. I have all these questions because when i pick, i want to pick the right person for me. I know there's no perfect person but you can find the person that's perfect for you (quirks, flaws, personality and all). I don't have a model for what a relationship between a husband and wife should be like. My dad moved to the States in 1975, way before i was dreamt up. He did move back to Nigeria, in the 80's for like 3 yrs but after that he moved back to the States. The whole time before and after that, my mom was by herself in Nigeria. From the late 80's until i came here in 2002, my dad came to Nigeria to visit once a year or once in two years for like 2 weeks at a time. The longest he ever stayed that i can remember was 6 weeks. Yes! The man was an "August" visitor. My younger brother at a time would say "excuse me sir" (like we addressed our teachers in school) when he wanted to talk to my dad. He wasn't comfortable saying Daddy.

So i never got the opportunity to see how a marriage worked, whether good or bad. I did see how the long distance marriage between my parents worked though and it wasn't good. Not necessarily because of the long distance, but because of a lot of other stuff i will not go into. So now i have all these questions, and i feel like i have to start from scratch to get answers. I have 5 older sisters and half sisters. 4 of them have been married, but only one is currently married. My immediate younger sister is married also, but that's relatively new. So, i think i have a good reason to be scared of this thing called marriage. As with a lot of things i do, i like to do my little research and ask questions and get hard facts. My opinion is constantly changing as i discover and learn new stuff.

I'm also trying to decide on what kind of marriage i want. I'm not naturally a submissive person and if i want to get married to a typical Nigerian man, how much of an issue would that be? The word submissive used to get on my last nerve. Maybe because my mom was more than submissive and it didn't get her anywhere. My dad took that and ran with it. I'm thinking though, that there might be a fine line between being submissive and being a push over. The only thing that i have heard that made sense to me about being submissive is to think about it like ur husband is the leader of a project, and you have to defer to him. I guess i could go with that. Sorry, nothing else works for me cos that work submissive is just negative in my mind. 

I'm all for the idea of the 50:50 partnership in marriage, but i am starting to question how realistic that is. What exactly does that mean? Does that mean he cooks half the time? Cleans the house half the time? What? Or does it mean do you divi out duties equally? How exactly does that work?

I think it's easy to have all these expectations about marriage that are so far from the truth especially for someone like me that has no model of how this thing should work, I don't want to fall in the trap. If i decide to take the plunge, i want to go in with my eyes wide open and not be looking at things through rose colored glasses.

Question of the day.
Is loving someone enough reason to marry them? Flaws and all?

My current opinion is that it is not enough at all. Love can only take you so far.  Friendship and compatibility mixed with love would be the perfect combination. Am i right or am i wrong?


  1. I'll try from the little I know. I have seen marriages work first hand and even though each marriage differs, again, I'll share!

    50:50 does not necessarily mean he cooks half the time or she sponsors half the time. IT MEANS they both interpret their individual HUSBAND and WIFE roles well. Sometimes, there will of course be overlaps and in that case, they share responsibility. But one problem in this area is that a lot of women are trying to be the men because they feel like that's the only way to be strong or relevant. But NO! Our ancestors stayed married longer because they were not trying to perform the other person's role. Now that women are becoming more 'empowered', it is still possible not to neglect the role of a wife. Maybe more work and more business may create more overlap between the man and the woman but I think it's important that we do not NEGLECT or unique roles!

    That's my 17 kobo on the whole partnership issue!

    Good post here!

  2. No one can lecture you about marriage. You need to experience it to know. Me think marriage is no picnic but to succeed you need to work at it. Goodluck.

  3. There is no way to know all about marriage before you get married for the core reasons that it is made of experiences that are yet to happen and it involves another individual outside of yourself. It is good though that you're asking questions and educating yourself on the issue.

    Submission also left a funny taste in my mouth and still does. What it means is different depending on who you speak with or what book you read. What I have learnt so far is that you have to work it out yourself and what works for you may be a disaster in another marriage.

    I agree with NakedSha, 50.50 is a concept of partnership as in business. It does not have to mean each that each partner contributes equal of everything, it means each partner AGREES that what they're bringing to the table and what the other is giving is fine and acceptable to them. I personally use the 100:100 principle because I want each of us to give our ALL or at least the best that we can.

  4. Love isn't it takes to make a marriage work oh.It just isn't enough.
    Your post reminds me of the situation in my own family.Only thing is my mum suffers in silence in my dad's presence and then comes to cry on my shoulders, Imagine the strain.
    But I'm positive about marriage,but taking that step had held me back even after all these years.
    Ego better, By God's grace.

  5. Love is not a gud enuff reason to marry someone. Certain other factors hve to work well btwn both individuals. IMO these factors include core values,future n short term goals,financial and educational bckground et all.

    U shd read my post on LDR relatnshp 101, it applies to relatnshps in general too.

    PS: When I was younger I thot my parents marriage was a model marriage, but now I knw better. It is a model marriage for d mistakes I dnt want to mke in my oen life. It hurts, but I refuse to let wat happened to dem define my own life or stop me from enjoying what there is in life.

    Jst dnt over think or analyze...lol..sorry for d long post!

  6. Hmmm, I'm enjoying this your marriage series o...

    On submission: I'm not a submissive person either, but I've come to understand that either by nature or nurture, men expect some sort of 'reverence' from women, (even from women they are not married to or dating). I don't plan to be a push-over, and I don't think it's good for anyone, so in considering who I marry, I also have to consider the way he treats me and the kind of relationship he expects to have with me (i.e. 'Lord and Subject' or 'Partners'). Yes, the Bible says wives submit to your husbands; but it also says husbands are to love their wives. A man won't treat a wife he loves like a slave would he?

    On 50:50 partnership: Hmmm, I don't know how an equal sharing will be possible. I guess there's no hard and fast rule. Each couple will have to develop the formula that works best for them. I have my own expectations of the man I marry. He's going to have to let me pay for things around the house. He's not my ATM machine. He's going to have to be OK with asking me for money when he's a lil' short. He's going to have to believe that I'm not giving him money because I'm showing off, but because I know he'll give me too if I ask. That's partnership in my books.

    On Love: Love is so not enough. Yes, love conquers all, so it will serve as an umbrella for everything else, but there's so much more. I'm having second thoughts about marrying this guy I really love because he said something about how he wants to raise his kids that I didn't quite agree with. I know he's going to be a wonderful father, but... (A semi-hypothetical example). What I'm saying is, there's so much else to consider - Is he my friend? Does he make me laugh? Can I look at him after 14 years and still feel like flirting with him? Will he get along with my family? What are his plans for the future? Do I fit in them?

    It is possible to get to a stage where you're not so sure about your love for your husband. (It's your mind playing tricks on you, more often than not). At those times, it helps to have other things that you can lean on for support.

    (I'm sorry for the long comment. And I don't know who made me counsellor... Lol)

  7. All the best in finding out...
    Sometimes I feel drained by just the mere thought of marriage and at other times,I feel like jumping straight into it...I like the sound of marrying the man that is perfect for you quirks and all...
    Like a wise person once said...marriage is an institution where you get the certificate before you start the course and exam...
    Submission is not a bad thing really...but I guess it's been interpreted so wrongly that using it is almost insulting...just like saying "I'm gay" has been interpreted to mean something else instead of being happy!
    Favoured girl recommended a book on her blog called "love and respect" (see this link http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252352347&sr=1-1)

    I ordered it and I tell you what,it shed more light on relational issues between couples to me...I guess you can't know all there is to know before you get into marriage but then,you can prepare yourself!
    Okay this is turning to a post!:)

  8. I guess there's love and then there are other things that mix together to form a good marriage.
    But love shouldn't be the only reason to go ahead and marry someone,i think.
    It's a partnership...that no amount of books will reveal to you-unless you experience it first hand.
    After all experience is the best teacher!

  9. Yeah, really, I doubt if we can truly know what marriage is before we get married. We can get prepared and get lectured, but we cannot know everything. My dear, I'm still praying for a godly man and a godly marriage. I think that's the best favor I can do for myself

  10. Interesting subject.
    Most people have said all i wanted to say so instead of repeating I'll just add this-
    Prepare for marriage by doing your due diligence about the person, their family, their health issues and everything because it is definitely more than love.

    I choose to see submission in a positive light. when both parties choose to submit to each other there will be peace because both of you would want what is best for each other and the family.

    Nolimit has recommended a good book. Another book I would recommend which my pastor uses during marriage counselling is "Marriage as God intended" by Selwyn Hughes. http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1842912259/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=103612307&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0854769366&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_r=13PDBAV1QH51XN080VJM

    The counselling class and the book shed light on so many things for me which has helped in my marriage.

    When God is your foundation, it makes life and marriage much easier to deal with IMHO.

    Ok this is a LONG comment. :)

    All the best Sting!

  11. I seriously do not think Marriage is something to worry about sha. I personally, would just focus on finding someone I love and who I confirm loves me back in the right measure, and I think marriage would just be the icing.

  12. I know God must be in the equation or the chances of working are nil

    "A three fold cord is not easily broken"

    What can i say? Knowledge on many things i have gathered but i need the courage to practice.

  13. the most successful marriage come across is based on trickery.the wife ,my mum's friend, aunty Tee basically makes her husband believe that He is in control, but infact she is the one in control.In return the man worships the ground she graces.
    I don't know if that's the best method but it's worked for aunty Tee they've been married for 20 years now

  14. Only God can prepare one for mrriage but still, I believe one should be surrounded with quality advice and books and most importantly, The Word of God.

    It shall be well with our marriages. Amen!


  15. Only God can prepare one for mrriage but still, I believe one should be surrounded with quality advice and books and most importantly, The Word of God.

    It shall be well with our marriages. Amen!



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