I am trying to rediscover my relationship with this blog and i am failing woefully at it. It seems to have lost its place and significance in my life. I am almost baffled at its existence. With that being said, i think i am losing my mind. Too many balls to juggle, never been good at that, so each and everyone of them have been dropped. Almost overwhelmed to the point of paralysis.
I can't write on this blog. Shit is too real.
Believe it or not, i HATE when i curse but i seem incapable of censoring myself. Actually, the truth is that i don't want to censor myself but i don't necessarily enjoy the fact that i curse (okay maybe it makes me feel better sometimes) and as much as i do it, i hate hearing people curse. Always have, always will. I am as weird as they come, i know. I refuse to be a hypocrite about it and never tell people not to curse. However, I think it's uncouth and it's a bad habit i picked up due to a misguided youth and a shitty ex. Let's not make this post about my potty mouth. Funny how this 72 yr old NP i had the pleasure of working with on my last rotation just told me on Friday how much of a nice young woman i am and how i am so polite. So guys, don't be scared to take me out, i know how to behave myself if need be.
So! I put up a post a couple of days ago. I was going to write about my relationship with God (or lack of), and ended up writing about Friendship. I left it up for a hot minute and ended up taking it down. I really can't write serious stuff on this blog anymore. What the hell is going on?
Someone stole my blog brain.
It's 9.20pm i am exhausted beyond belief. I have a half eaten meal i have been trying to force myself to eat since 6pm. I am hungry as hell but my appetite has been non-existent since yesterday, so i have been forcing down high calorie stuff aka double chocolate chip muffin. I'm not trying to end up looking gaunt. I weighed myself this morning and i was 144 lbs. I have lost 21 lbs this year. A lot of it from conscious effort some of it from stress and crazy rotations. I actually haven't lost any weight this month. I stopped trying to as my mind has being on other things. I don't want to lose weight due to starvation because that's how you end up losing muscle mass.
I think there was a point to this post when i started but i have lost it because i am hungry, exhausted and half asleep all at the same time. I can't sleep when i am hungry, so i need some food in my belly. So hot milk here i come.
New rotation tomorrow, in one of my least favorite areas. Got the day off today. It's a consult service and there were no patients. I couldn't have been happier, but in reality i wasn't. I don't have the brain power to be. It was just whatever. I have been going through the motions since July. My body is there but my mind if far, far away.
Far, far away. Seems like that's a phrase from an animated movie i have, but i can't remember which one. Is it from Tangled? I can't freaking remember.
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As random as they come but still entertaining nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you get your 'mojo' back in every aspect!
PS Still looking forward to that post on your relationship with God xx
Hiya, Dont sweat it. I fell out of love with one of my blogs as well for a few years, but I am back on it. Maybe you want to sort out issues for yourself without an audience.
ReplyDeleteWondered what happened to the friendship post when i clicked it on my dashboard.Our muse do take vacation when we least expect it.Simply relax until she gets back :)
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