Saturday, August 17, 2013

Why do people get married?

Charly boy is my new idol! 

#dazall

Curious about why? 
You can go on Linda Ikeji and find out what he told his daughter. 
Took the words out of my mind
No kidding

I haven't been blogging regularly because i have been very busy. I could have tried to make time to post but to be honest, whenever I force myself to make time to blog and there's barely any response, it doesn't motivate me to go out of my way to do it.

Anyway, i read Charles Oputa's advice to his daughter this morning as i was eating breakfast and it just validated my thoughts and feelings on so many levels. I have been struggling with my thoughts on marriage for a long time. Unlike a lot of girls, i have never dreamt of getting married or looked forward to it or even particularly wanted it. I think, It would be fair to say i have been neutral about it, meaning i didn't want it or not want it. When i was 21, i mentioned it to a friend and he said, i am just talking that way because i am still young. Time has passed and nothing has changed, if anything, i have been leaning on the side not seeing the point of it. 

I've taken an intellectual approach to it and have been asking why? Why do we have to get married? 
What's the purpose? Especially where it seems like the institution has become a joke. People jump in and out of it. Lots of people are not happily married, both men and women. Some Nigerian men in Nigeria (and elsewhere, i guess) think they are doing women a favor by getting married to them. So despite having a ring on their finger they continue to have girlfriends. The stories i hear constantly just turn me away from ever desiring to get married. I've been struggling to make a decision. I have mentioned it to my mom a couple of times and she "rejected" it. Otherwise, my parents have been the best and unlike a lot of Nigerian parents have NEVER pressured me or even brought it up as a subject to be discussed.

My mother has told me marriage is not a do or die affair and she wouldn't support us staying in a bad marriage just for the sake of being married. On my birthday, 2 years ago, she called me, after wishing me a happy birthday and the usual prayers, she told me to take my time and not be worried about getting married, that there's no point rushing in and then rushing out. Meanwhile i have friends who i am older than that their mother's won't give them a break about getting married. 

I was reading comments on "Marriage shock' on Bellanaija yesterday and i just kept thinking to myself that i don't want to get married. With each comment i read, that was the only thought that came to my head. I have come to associate marriage with a lot of unhappiness and stress and being stuck. I think a lot of times, the women get the short end of the stick and it's not fair but because society expects it, you have to suck it up and learn to be a "good wife". It will never be okay to me that a guy gets to chill and put his feet up, while the wife (or even girlfriend in some cases) runs around to serve him like his maid. 

I was talking to a guy whom i used to like a few years ago, yesterday. He actually asked me to marry him in a roundabout way, 2 years ago by saying "He wanted to get this marriage thing out of the way and i knew him and all his flaws, good and bad and it was up to me to decide if i would be able to deal with it". I jejely told him he was exactly right and i knew him well enough to know that i would not be able to cope with his bad side. Mr. Man is meanandharsh . com. Anyway, we haven't spoken for a long while and i don't know what we were talking about, by he told me to "Shut up". Very matter of fact. I don't remember the last time anyone told me to shut up. Why would anyone speak to me that way. The way he talks was a bone of contention back then, and after he did that yesterday, I finally accepted that this is just him. Anyway, i told him he was too harsh and i don't know how anyone can be with him and be happy. Then he said that most Nigerian women like a guy who is controlling. I was quick to tell him, i don't agree with him and i don't like a controlling guy. He told me to speak for myself and not speak for other women and besides i was not a typical Nigerian woman. He wasn't joking.

At this point in my life, marriage is not something i am eager for. I am not saying that i won't get married, ever but if i do, it will not be something i enter into lightly. Ideally, i want to marry someone who i can honestly say is my best friend, in the true sense of the word. Someone who understands that relationships are hard work and is willing to put in the effort and the time to help us have a decent relationship. I don't want to marry anyone who believes the primary reason to be married is to have a wife and a woman to have his kids. I think kids are secondary in a marriage and should be taken as a bonus. Mr. Man actually told me yesterday that he agrees a lot of women are not happily married but that they get their consolation from their kids and that's where married women should look for their happiness from. That's not me. If i want to be a single parent and have kids, then i will do that. But if i want to be married, then let me be married in the true sense of the word, which means having a partner and friend to go through life with. 

That being said, i am a realist. There are good men, i am pretty sure of it but they are not the norm.So what do you do when settling is not an option and you can't imagine yourself being stuck in an unhappy marriage just because society expects that from you? 

I'm still thinking about it.

P.S forgive any typos if there are. I have too much to do. Will fix mistakes later.



24 comments:

  1. *drinking water and waiting for those "sisters" to bind d spirit of your speech". Don't you know that without a "crown" on your head you are just a commoner? lol.

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  2. I like what your mother said.
    Simply be you!
    Marriage is like a bus, many rushing to get out, many rushing to get in.
    Simply do you!

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  3. Most times I forget you're neither queer nor asexual. You don't really seem to be into men. Maybe you have something for women, but you just haven't found the right woman yet. *runs away before madam sting brings out her guns or asks what my comment has to do with this post*

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    Replies
    1. Lol....u want to make me laugh this afternoon? It actually cracked me up. Just remember I don't share a lot about my life on this blog. No, I am not queer, asexual or into women. Lol. I would have said so if I was. Not wanting to get married and not wanting a relationship with a guy are two different things. I could want one without the other. Abi?

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    2. Absolutely!

      I just wanted to put out that thought and make you respond :D

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    3. U dey find my mouth, abi? Troublemaker. Lol

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  4. To your last question I could easily have said remain single a few years ago, which was my own answer to myself. Since I got married, I find it harder giving that suggestion in case people misconstrue it. But yeah, an open mind is better, not even neutral, so you can appreciate the right person when they come along.

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    Replies
    1. I guess so......although lately it seems my idea of open mind is warped. My friend asked if I could date an American and I said yes. I said I was open but preferably not a Caucasian. Then she said, so African Americans, and I said no. Then she said who do you want to date then? Persians? I was being honest when I said I was open, but apparently from my specific answers, you can see that I am not a serious person.

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    2. Hahahaha, you're not a serious person. Maybe when the aliens arrive :)

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  5. On a serious note though, I'm not surprised by your views. It's well known that as women's socioeconomic status improves, their urgency/desire to get married reduces. And new research shows that maternal urges reduce by "25% with every extra 15 IQ points." http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/aug/07/smart-women-not-having-kids (The research is neat, just ignore that the researcher has done some racist/sexist work).

    Overall, I think people will have fewer marriages and fewer children in the future.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, but I have always felt this way about marriage. Always. I will look at the article.

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    2. I just looked at the article, while I am not sure i want to get married, I am pretty sure I want to have kids. I don't think I need to be married to have kids and I am not talking about adoption either, although that is always an option.

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  6. As much as there are stories that give the institution of marriage a bad name, there are stories that are positive and heart-warming. Its not a do or die affair for me, however, my two cents about marriage and dating is that it requires work, and sacrifice to make it work. Now whether the other person is worth it, and we are ready to put in the work and the sacrifice is another question.

    Lastly, whatever you do should be for you not based on wetin world people go talk or wetin dem go say.

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  7. Awwww Awww, marriage can be really sweet sha. All in all, I don't think everyone must get married but I know for certain that it shouldn't be rushed into or taken so compulsorily as it is nowadays. If you are meant to get married, you will and if you do just be careful. Also maybe there are so many unhappy marriages around you which has also aided in forming your opinions.

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  8. I have refused to allow myself believe all the bad things I hear about marriage. Life is a choice, marriage is a choice. Choose to make your marriage what it should be, not what others are portraying it as. I've seen beautiful marriages.

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  9. I could just kiss you. I sooo feel you here. I too have never thought about or desired marriage. Not before,not now. I dont see what there is to desire. I have always said I had no interest in marriage and I still dont. And I dont feel like I am missing anything. At 36 I think I would know if I was.
    The funny thing is when people hear about my health issues and maybe pray for me or discuss with me they usually say, 'dont worry, you will get married', and I always respond 'no, thanks, thats so not an interest'. LOL.

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  10. You spoke my thoughts on marriage Sting. I keep telling my friends that these married folks are not impressing me and some that look good on the outside turn out to be a sham. I am in a place in my life where I believe that my career, spritual and financial growth and stability trump marriage. My friend then asked what if God has tied my goals to my husband? I couldn't stop laughing cos I believe God is a Just God, he won't play me like that na. Anyways my resolve is to do what makes me happy. _Sumptuous.

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  11. I connect with this post... I've never really cared about marriage. When I did get married, it's not because I 'really' wanted to - I was young and thought I was supposed to do it. I got divorced many years ago and I has defied statistics that most people remarry within 2 yrs after divorce.

    I think you do it if it feels right and for no other reason. I'm glad you're posting again.

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  12. I totally get this. I told my mom i would consider getting pregnant when i'm 30 because i should have settled a few things by then and she gave me side eyes and went mute. I was half-joking but it is something i could totally do. Most of the birthday wishes i got from older people last week were "this time next year, we'll celebrate in your husband's house with twins" I was just mostly amused. Mshew, people and their expectations about your life.

    p.s: i Do NOT want twins o biko God!

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  13. u see sting, there are many that relate to your stand - on marriage for instance. if i copied and pasted this post and had my family read it, they will totaly tink it was me writing and wont even miss a beat.

    i am passionate, also about marriage. but like u i tink i am idealistic and selfish enuf to 'sacrifice' being married and building a family for other stuff like career and living the single life. i am still insistent on the fact dat as a married woman i go still de jive de do wetin i enjoy doing and wen i have kids i am kinda determined not to go overboard with putting them at the fore of my life all the time. again it is what it is

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  14. I welcome marriage but I would not force it on anyone either. My friend attended a wedding last year. It was a big old affair. few months ago he told me the couple called it quits. WHAT?!
    Speaking of quick marriages and BellaNaija I was a little annoyed that a man got married in 2011..the wedding was beautiful and ofcourse featured on BN with story and all.. Well..just a few weeks ago the man was featured on BN again only this time new wedding new wife... not second wife. NEW wife.. WTH?!

    If your not ready for marriage your not ready. And if you are make sure its for the right reasons and with the right person who AGREES with this reason as well. Fin

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