First day

I became a full fledged practicing board certified, licensed physician today. It felt like first day of residency all over for like the first 2 minutes, then it was business as usual. Like riding a bike, only this time a brand new bike you aren't used to. Even though I have used EPIC for years, every EPIC system is set up differently, so even though i knew what i was looking for, they were not were i was used to finding them. 

Everyone is so excited I'm here, mostly because they have been swamped with patients and they need another provider. Residency prepared me for this but it doesn't mean that i am looking forward to it. Thankfully, I have the weekend and labor day off, then Tuesday is my day off, so I don't go back to work until Wednesday. I should be fully situated by then. 

Welcome to the real world! 

All time low

I can't believe I blogged a total of 5 times in 2017 and my first post of 2018 is in August.

I' m trying to come up with my practice philosophy for my new job (they need it for marketing) and I ended up here...because procrastination.

So what has happened since my last post?

1. I was too burnt out to care about jobs so I interviewed at with one health care system, two locations and was done with that. I picked the location with a more clinic feel and no Saturday obligation. Not the advice I would give to anyone, but that's what I did. Whether i will regret not interviewing properly remains to be seen. I was just like what the heck, I interviewed at 19 programs for residency, ranked the program i ended up in number one because my spirit was like this is the best program for me blah blah!!! Lies! Big mistake!! Everyone puts their best foot forward during interviews. Unlike med school where the interview is mostly you trying to convince them to pick you, residency interviews are almost the opposite. They are trying to convince you to rank them for the most part also. Job interviews are even worse, they want you so they are definitely all out to try to get you. I figured it was a crapshoot and i'll get what I get. I can't pick my coworkers or patients. There are a million other things that go into picking a job, but like i said burn out is a bastard. I still think i did pretty decent with picking a job. It's interesting how pay was not part of my top three criteria for picking a job... I could have gotten way m0re money at other jobs or even same health system but different location, but certain things become more important in life. Like trying to get away from racism... 
2. I took boards, passed and became board certified
3. I finished residency
4. Survived a malignant residency program.
5. My weak ass program director who shall forever go down in history as fucktard puppet tried me on my very last day. He got exactly what he asked for. Punk! Those people will break you if you let them. Freaking con artists. You go for an interview and they put on a good show, bamboozle you into thinking they are a great program and then start to show themselves as soon as you get comfortable. I had to go above the program director and I told the director of graduate medical education that they shouldn't take black residents if they are not going to learn how to be culturally sensitive/competent. Those were my exact words. On May 1st 2018, they had their first cultural sensitivity training! I did that!! They won't forget me in a hurry in that program. I was not a trouble maker but I refused to roll over and God blessed me that the director of GMEC was my mentor in med school, otherwise those undercover racists were working overtime to frustrate me and make me quit or kick me out. 
6. June 29th 2018 could not come fast enough. I'm so glad to be done with those people. My co-residents in my class were Aces (minus one), that's that only reason I survived plus my "clanging balls of steel". LOL. One of my co residents told me I had clanging balls of steel. He kept saying I was his favorite residents, mostly because I said what everyone was thinking but too scared to say. We both got into "trouble" on June 29th, our very last day. He was my favorite resident also but I had to light some fire under his ass to start to speak up about stuff even though given his white male privilege which he initially tried to deny, he hardly ever got in trouble. Just because something doesn't directly affect you, doesn't mean you should turn a blind eye when other people are being mistreated. 
7. I bought a house. 
8. I got my dog back. A coresident had to keep him because my apartment did not allow dogs and my fiance bought him for me as a christmas gift, so I didn't want to give him away and the fiance couldn't keep him also. 
9. I have been enjoying my time off work. Slept for 1 week straight right after residency ended. I was so exhausted. I got sick of staying in bed all day on week 2, but really the whole month of July was spend doing nothing. I did end up making it to Atlanta the last week of July. Visited the in laws in Tennessee and Indiana. Will be going to California and Vegas to visit more in laws in a couple of weeks. 
10. I will be signing a piece of paper and not changing my last name sometime soon. 

What have you been up to? 

Blessed

God has blessed me. Thank you God! 

Those were the words that came into my mind a few seconds ago and this was brought on my the thought of my niece, Izzy. I feel so lucky to have my nieces in my life. They are so loving. They talk to me pretty regularly, at least once or twice a week. It used to be almost daily until I got so busy and their bed time is early and they are one hour ahead, so by the time I get a chance to call, they are already asleep. Anyway, no matter how often i call them, they are always so excited to hear from me. The older one has the way she says my name where and drags it out in excitement. The pure genuine excitment warms my heart. I just feel so blessed.

He liked it and he put a ring on it.... literally. The ring was on my finger before I realized what was going on because I thought we were just having a regular conversation, which I wasn't paying much attention to because I was tired. We were just joking around and the next thing I know, ring on finger.... I was like dude, you are going to have to say all of that over because I wasn't really paying attention and can't remember anything you said, except changing my diaper when we are old....

Other people (my sisters) were way more excited about my engagement than I was because ehhhh.... I've never been into all of that....dreaming and wanting to get married. My brain is not just wired that way. So as much as we had talked about it and I had put it off, I thought I didn't have to worry about it until at least December because dude lied and told me my ring would not be ready until then as it was being custom made. He got me good!

Anyway, I went into panic mode for a couple of days after ring got on finger because marriage scares me. The good thing is my mister is the only guy I have ever considered marrying and throughout this year, he has come correct. We are so similar in personality, sense of humor, outlook on life, religion, family,  pretty much everything and it is very surprising because he is not Nigerian and I never thought I could vibe like that with a non Nigerian (who cannot speak or understand pidgin).

Guess who told me "your wahala is too much" the other day? In the right accent and context. I have told him he will be speaking pidgin by the time I'm through with him. We are currently working on the right way to use "abi". He got "o" down.

When I first met him one of the things that I was impressed by was how he thought I was the best thing since sliced bread because I'm African. I didn't necessarily expect that from an African-American.  He just loves it and loves all things Nigerian. He wants to eat Nigerian food all the time and our kids will only have Nigerian names according to him. He doesn't mind if I don't change my last name and he really wants to learn pidgin. 

It's exactly a month today since we got engaged and I'm just now starting to get excited.Left to my own devices I don't think I would have ever been ready or yearning to get married. However, God chose to bless me with the right person at the right time.

God has blessed me, thank you God!

Forgive the typos...Man's hot and needs to sleep.

Balance

I just got home at 930pm after getting to work at 6am and the first thing I did was take off my shoes, put my hair up and pull out my computer ....to continue working. 

I wasn't supposed to fall behind ...again..but there is only 24 hrs a day. My clinic patients don't care (and shouldn't) what rotation I'm on. When they need their refills, referral, questions or complaints address, it needs to get done.
Otherwise bad Doctor.

If you have Netflix and haven't seen The Keepers, please watch it. Tell me what you think. True life story. 😱😱😱😱

Confused busy

Has anyone ever been so busy they became overwhelmed, confused and didn't know what next to do?! It's just past 2pm, I've been at work for 8 hrs and I'm just now pausing.

My attending was like u need to work on efficiency. How about u work on not confusing me about when we start rounds and you can tell patients not to be crashing while I'm prerounding. 😒

I miss blogging

Daz all!

I'm a learner. I just downloaded the blogger app on my phone. Didn't even think of it before today's 💡moment. Sha Sha, now that I haz it, we shall be blogging more. There's always a story to tell.

I must be tired because for the first time ever, I genuinely miss blogging. 😞

People

I never thought I would become one of those bloggers who went MIA. A lot of things have played into it, including not wanting to blog using the hospital or clinic computers, being super busy and have little desire to come home and do anything that was not work related. Even the work related stuff I sometimes had no energy or desire to do. I was behind on my work for months and only just caught up.

I have had serious issues with my residency program with regards to faculty and staff. There were a lot of things that happened that made it clear I wasn't treated the same as the other residents. There was a time last year where everyday there was something. I was so baffled as to what was going on and why. Little things were blown out of proportion and attributed to me. People perceived things how they wanted and it was accepted by the program director as the truth without ever hearing from me.

I remember one Saturday or Sunday after I was done with my 12 hr shift, I drove to my "adopted" auntie's house and just cried. That was the day that my eyes started opening to what was really going on. She is a Nigerian college professor and recognized what I was telling her. She said things that had I experienced without me even telling her. Even though I didn't feel better, talking to her helped me stop feeling like I was going crazy, because I had been scratching my head trying to understand what was going on and nothing was making sense. To give you an idea of what I am talking about, one of my co-residents had made a comment around that time that she felt like I was being hazed.

Well, things got worse. I am not someone who lets people walk over me so they had a challenge because I brought everything they did to my program director's attention. He was part of the problem too, so I went higher. There recently was a meeting where long story short, they admitted they haven't always handled things correctly with me, let's start afresh, clean slate. Uh hum.

As I sit here typing this I have been denied time off to go to a job interview. I can't get anytime of until July 10th as if this job will be reserved for me. This was something that was initially approved because "you guys are usually allowed time off for job interviews". Then her "boss" who was one of the people who started the campaign against me last year, sent me an email yesterday stating otherwise. When I spoke to the initial person that had approved it, it was very clear that she was flustered and did not know what to say to me. I understood what was happening so I told her it was fine. I can go to my doctor's appointment which is not about anything life threatening but I can't go for a job interview?  Talk about day light witchcraft.

Because I had never encountered anything like this before, I didn't always handle things well. I would get emotional and feel bad and waste time crying and talking to people who had no intention of helping me. Now I know what not to waste my energy on. I was upset about it yesterday and feel a bit down today. I could go to the top and get them to intervene but I'm picking my battles, although this one is not over.

The one thing that has always been in my favor is that my patients love me, both patients I meet in the hospital and my clinic patient. Not a single faculty can has anything bad to say about my patient care. That's one thing they can't control. So when I get frustrated, I focus on that.

I have said it openly to the chief resident and anyone who would listen, I would never encourage a black female of whatever origin to come to this program. I wish I had paid more attention to race and racial issues while I was applying to residency, I never would have ranked this program number 10, talkless of number one. While I am not happy that this has been my experience, I have very recently chosen to learn from this. To stop being horrified that people can hate your guts but still relate with you like they love you. The average naija person won't talk to you if they don't like you, If they have to work with you they will be civil and professional, but to go as far as acting like you are friends, is something I have never encountered before and it scares me. I can't tell based on how people treat me if they really like me or can't stand me and it's a very uncomfortable feeling.

Residency

Sometimes I hate my program...............
My faculty advisor is on my permanent shit list from today. She has been on my shitlist since May, but today it became permanent. She's never getting off!!!
Sometimes I feel like i'm in KKK nation.
People call in sick all the time. I've only ever called in sick once when I had been sick throughout the weekend, it got to Monday and I couldn't not get out of bed or speak. Come to find out, 5 people called in sick that same day. It took me over 2 weeks to clear whatever infection that was which I know for sure I got from clinic, but I only missed one day of work.

I have had an exhausting month, been running on 3-4 hours of sleep a night, I've had to show up for work without taking a shower because I could barely drag myself out of bed. On Tuesday, I actually overslept and did not wake up until 0649 and I have to be at work at 0600. My intern chose that day to not show up aka call in sick and it was a shit show. That same Tuesday, I had to have a major dental procedure and go right back to work. I have been unable to take my pain medication because I have to work and it's a narcotic. The medication i'm taking to help with inflammation is making my stomach condition flare up. I am in so much pain and overall feel like shit!

I randomly look at my schedule this morning and see that i am on 24hr call tomorrow and I'm just like nooo! I can't physically keep going.  I call the program office and ask if i can switch calls. I know it's last minute but I have been dragging myself through this week hoping to recuperate this weekend.

Long story short, because i currently feel like shit and need to go home, my advisor calls me in the hospital and insists i make an appointment to get a doctor's note. Other residents have called in sick multiple days in a row and not once has anyone else been ask to provide a doctor's note. I know this for a fact.

More than anything else, it was her tone and choice of words which made it clear she did not believe me. Would I want to leave work in the middle of the day if I was faking? I haven't lost my mind yet.

Fuckers!

I can't Fux with you!

I have an annoying headache so I can't sleep and the floor is "quiet", so I figure this is a good time to blog. I've had a lot of interesting experiences that are blog worthy, but i've always been an in the moment kind of blogger. If stuff happens and I don't blog about it then, chances I will come back to it in the future are slim. For example, I never gave an update on my post about my encounter with the rude USPS clerk. Long story short, I got an apology email and was told he was reported to his immediate supervisor and the overall manager of that location. Case closed.

Is it wrong that I am giving anyone I know who could stomach voting for Trump a wide berth and side eyes? One of the residents who I would say has gone out of her way to be friends with me including inviting me to spend Christmas and Easter with her family is Republican. Fine, all well and good.After Trump won and I was going off  she said she voted for a third party republican. Okayyyy... The next day, we were arguing about Trump and racism when she said "my mom likes you and she voted for Trump". My initial response was yeah, your mom likes me and I don't think she's racist.

This lady has been very nice to me, welcoming me into her home. Her whole family has been very nice. She just baked me a huge ass pie for my birthday at the end of October. But when I walked away from that conversation which got worse the longer it lasted, including this chic telling me, they had to put up with Obama being president for the past 8 years and feeling the need to put Michelle down, when I talked about Melania even though i was trying to compare anyone, I was like hollup, hollup, hollup, something stinks and I smell closeted, subconscious racism.

I don't care how much you act like you like me, but if you can vote for a man who is against everything that I am, a black, female, immigrant, then I can't fux with you. I've always been a legal immigrant but I'm an immigrant nonetheless and this man is openly Xenophobic. I refuse to be the token black friend who you like. Mba! Keep it. How are you going to like me but can stand to vote for someone who is so openly racist. When I talked about my fear of increased overt racism, my so called friend said, It was happening under Obama, so what's going to be different? I was just like I can't deal with this bitch!

It's already fucking happening, dude! The day Trump won, 2 guys jumped out of a car and beat up this chic with a metal before grabbing her hijab and driving off. I have a very good friend from med school who wears a hijab and I'm worried about her.

I don't know o, but If i know you and you voted for Trump, I can't fux with you. You declared your myself my enemy when you decided to support that sorry excuse for a human being. I can't trust you. How can you not be repulsed by that man. How? How? How?! This is not even about politics, but as a human being, even W. Bush didn't vote for him. 53% of WHITE WOMEN vote for Trump! I'm done.

Today I got a text from her saying, I wish you were here, I can't stand these people (she was in clinic). I just look text comot eye. Who wan follow you dey do that one. Best believe I will never be going with her to her parents house. That's never happening again.

America, I hail thee. Wetin person no go see.

Do you still Blog?

Multiple people: Do you still blog?
Me: No.......Not really.




Life happened. I'm exhausted more than half the time. There's lots to talk about, but blogging has fallen to the bottom of my interests. I'm at work right now, waiting for 2 admissions to come up and I just feel blah! Unlike med school where we were contacted mostly by pagers, we use roam phones here. I'm always startled by the phone ringing which just makes my night more stressful. There have been nights where I wanted to fling the phone and smash it. I swear one night I was called at least 50 times. I wanted to scream! I hate nights! I never feel like myself on nights and it's more exhausting than days because I can never catch up on sleep.


I was working when the votes were being tallied and knew before it was called Trump was going to win. I felt sick to my stomach. Literally. I almost called in sick the next day. I'm surrounded by white people and there's no way to know who supports Trump. I just felt weird and almost paranoid and it's hard not to feel some kind of way about people who would vote a racist, sexist, xenophobic orangutan as president because you start to wonder if they share his sentiments.


It's funny how a day before the election, I had a patient who literally froze when I walked in the room tried to assist the Nurse in holding her up while she gave her her medication. She refused to take it with me in there, so the Nurse asked her if she would like her to get another Nurse.  I didn't think it had anything to do with race until we stepped outside and the nurse apologized to me about asking for my help because she did the same thing or in her words "freaked out" during the day when the black male resident went in to talk to her. I started laughing because I found it hilarious that she would be scared of me. Then the Nurse tried to understand that she's from a very small town where there are no black people (duh!) and still amused I said "I bet Black male resident was the first black person she ever saw". I don't know if that's true or not, but I was highly amused. This is 2016 for God sake. I'm not a freaking alien.




I'm not amused anymore because these are the same backward hicks who voted for Trump. Yet there many people including blacks who did not vote or voted for Harambe, the dead gorilla or some other unknown because they don't like Hillary or think their votes don't count.


People are fucking stupid!


It makes my skin crawl that Trump is going to be the President of the United States.
Racism is alive and well.
We are in for a treat.
America's very own version of Buhari's change.
What a mess!!!


#NotmyPresident


I had no intention to talking about this when I started this post. I'm choosing to stick my head in the sand for the next 4 years. What's going to happen, is going to happen. Not stressing myself about this shit. I did my part, I voted for Hillary. Anyone who did not vote or threw away their vote has nothing to say.


Goodbye!

Heated

When I first moved to this country, whenever someone was mean, rude, unpleasant or a jerk to me, I attributed it to them being a mean, rude, unpleasant, jerk. I didn't think they were being that way to me because of my race or my sex. I just assumed they were a shitty human being. To this day, I am not one to pull the race card. However, today was the first time in my entire life I have had to call someone a racist, son of a bitch to their face, in a room where everyone else was Caucasian, you could have heard a pin drop as I walked out as that was the last thing I said. I believe that is the best thing I could have done for myself because I would feel a whole lot worse right now if I hadn't stood up for myself.

I somehow feel violated. I feel like someone tried to come into my world and without my permission, tried to make me a victim, a victim of racism, of sexism and I had to fight a battle I wasn't prepared for and didn't want to fight this morning in other for that not to be the case. I refuse to be a victim.

I have not been this upset in a long, long time. To cut a long story short, I'll just post a copy of the complaint I submitted to the USPS.

On 8/15/2016 at 0800, I went to the post office to pick up my mail. I presented my slip to a female postal clerk and expressed to her that I was home when the mail carrier dropped off this slip but no one had tried to contact me to check if i was home and this was the second time it was occurring. The postal clerk at the next station who I would later find out from the police was named Jim, chimed in and stated that some carriers were better than others in trying to find out if someone was home before dropping off a slip. I informed the clerk that I had worked all night, got off at 0600 and had to wait until 0800 for the post office to open before going home and that wasn't fair to me as this could have been avoided. The female clerk stated that she would let her supervisor know and went back to get my mail, while Jim attended to a customer in his station. While at the counter waiting for my package to be brought to me, I placed a 25 second call regarding a patient as I am a physician. At the same time, I heard Jim stating that I couldn't be on the phone just as I was about to end the call. A second later before I had time to put my phone away, Jim reached over from his station and slammed a sign stating "no phone calls allowed" in front of me. The call during which i spoke in very low tones lasted exactly 25 secs which was how long it took for me to tell the recipient that I would call them back. I told Jim that he did not need to be rude to me as I was already getting off the phone. He proceeded to yell and berate me, telling me I was the one who was rude. I tried explaining that the call was about a patient and he told me I needed to have left my phone in my car, all the while yelling while there were other customers waiting to be attended to. I told him I wasn't being rude as the lady who was attending to me had already gone to the back to get my package. I asked him how he would feel if someone took a sign and slammed it in front of him, demonstrating exactly what he did. At this time the clerk who was helping me returned with my package. Jim once again reached over from his station and this time attempted to grab my package from the other clerk. I was fast enough to snatch it from him as he had no right or reason to try to withhold my package from me. I was upset that he did that and called him out on it. He tried to intimidate me by threatening to call the police and I asked him to do that because I hadn't done anything except stand up for myself. As i started walking away, he yelled at me not to ever come back to "this place" and I told him if they had done their job I wouldn't be there in the first place. Since he threatened that i could not come back to the USPS store, I went over to the police station and spoke to an officer about the incident. I was also concerned that my mail or mail service would be tampered with. She told me to report to his supervisor as they could not do anything about his rude behavior. She got in contact with Jim and asked if he was serious about banning me from the store and he told her he was not. I am reporting this incident because I encountered a USPS employee who was very unprofessional in carrying out his duties. He appears not know how to deal with customers and also seems to have issues controlling his temper. In addition to this he came across as a bully who tried to intimidate someone he perceived as weak. He saw a young looking, black female with a foreign accent and decided I wasn't deserving of basic courtesy. In summary, He told me to get off my phone, did not give me a chance to act on his instruction, proceeded to rudely and loudly slam a sign in front of my face, tried to seize my package, threatened me with the police for no just cause and threatened to ban me from the post office all because I told him he did not have to be rude to me and I refused to be bullied by him. I don't think it is acceptable to SLAM a sign in front a customer's face over a 25 second phone call and then yell at them to boot. I would appreciate if this incident is addressed as Jim is a poor representative of the USPS. Thank you.

While I continue to be thrown off balance by this incident, I believe this guy picked the right person. The next time he encounters a black female with an accent who may or may not know her rights, may or may not be a recent immigrant, may or may not be at the bottom of the totem pole, he would think twice before treating her like a piece of trash who has no voice.

 Dude did not see me coming this morning. I was quiet, soft spoken, probably looked mellow because I was dead tired so he thought I was an easy prey. He learned today.

Forgive the typos... I'm at work and really should be trying to nap. For me to take the time to type up this complaint, then blog about should give up an idea how upset I am by all of this.

Vacation

I am currently on a well earned and very well deserved vacation with the fam in Georgia. I'm lying here, chilling and wondering why people's idea of a vacation is to go out and do things. My ideal vacation involves doing nothing. I don't want to go anywhere, see anything, do anything except eat, sleep, maybe watch TV.

When we go on vacation we assign out inbasket to another resident to cover it. In the past, I would cover along just so the resident doesn't have to do too much. I did that on Monday, then i said fuck that shit! I'm on vacation and don't need to be doing shit. Especially when the resident who covered my inbasket on Monday told me the Nurses were been shitty to me, which i noticed but never really pay attention to.

First month of second year of residency done.... Like play like play, day dey go. It's been a crazy experience so far. My advice to people applying for residency is not to be like me during interviews. Actually take notes and ask questions. I went by gut feeling and got my number one rank choice. Have i had regrets? Many many many times. LOL. But it's all good, It's called buyer's remorse as my program is pretty decent. However, because i didn't take notes and interviewed in 19 places, they pretty much blended together which is how I ended up in a program that gets harder the higher up you go instead of the reverse. They want you to be acting like an Attending by the time you graduate. Okay now, no wahala.

Which is why the last thing i want to do is sit down and blog, hence the deadzone this blog has become. If i could dictate my blogs then we would be in business because i have lots of complaining to do about life and i can lie down and talk. Even the dictating sef, sometimes is hard for me because most times when i get home i have generalized body aches from my head to my feet and just want to sleep. Plus plenty gist.

Match.com update.....

Story for another day....if ever. Although i will say this... Life is very, very funny.  Sometimes you just have to take the bull by its horn, grab its balls and squeeze it and if you get killed in the process you freaking lived.

Carpe the freaking diem! You only have one life to live my people. Live it!

So how una dey? Gist me!. What have you guys been up to? Anyone have any questions for me? Ask me and I'll answer in my next post. I still have a couple days before i go back to work, let me treat you people to some Sting time.

I started season 4 of Jenifa...Jenifa and Pelumi...LOL

Black people are dirty and other stories

I got done at 4:30pm today............. and i didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know whether to run, jump, scream or dance awilo. So i drove to the dry cleaners and dropped off my white coat, then came home and did laundry.

It's 8:18pm right now and it's still earlier than I typically get home. I've been working 14+ hours 6 days a week and i'm exhausted. I got to work an hour late yesterday because i overslept and woke up at 625am and i'm supposed to be at work at 6am. The night resident and the senior both called me but my phone is always on silent when i go to sleep. I was late again today but 10 minutes this time. The tiredness is cumulative and i'm just exhausted at this point.

I spent my one day off last week running errands then i ended up at Ross. I bought so much stuff, I was actually horrified when i was being rung up and kept apologizing to the cashier. It was retail therapy plain and simple. I find that any free time i have, i go shopping. When i have a bad day at work, I end up in the store. I have more art supplies than i need at this point and I am spending way more money than i should but hey!

I joined match.com .....for 6 months. I was over it by week 2 but i can't get a refund even if i cancel.

The last couple of months have been a struggle. There's something in the water. Everyone has been acting crazy at my program. I'm not loving residency. I would love to be driving distance from my family. I no longer want to be in this state or this city where the lack of diversity and the amount of cultural insensitivity and ignorance is overwhelming.

Did you know black people are dirty?
Did you know that black people stain light colored sheets because their skin sheds and  the color stains the sheets?

Did you know this?
Black person reading this, is this news to you as it was news to me?

 How can you say they don't?
Are you sure?
Have you ever slept on light colored sheets before?

Facepalm!!!

Sweet jesus hold me back, keep a straight face!

 This was from a nurse who was trying to be nice by educating her friend who said black people are dirty, by telling said friend that we are not dirty, it's just the color of our skin that's coming off, when "we shed".

But hey what do i know, I might never have slept on light colored sheets before.

Let's not talk about the audacity of this white lady who told me black hair is crazy and she can't imagine walking around looking like that..... all the while miming an afro with her hands. That's not all she said but i don't want to upset myself this evening.

That's some of the shit I've had to deal with.

Writing

I have always found writing to be therapeutic. Before i started blogging in 2007, i faithfully wrote in my journal. Blogging replaced writing in my journal for a long while when i was completely anonymous but as i lost my anonymity, i stopped blogging freely about certain topics. I went back to journaling but it's never been the same. Now i neither want to blog or journal, which means i no longer have an outlet.

I was very angry today. Like, boiling mad. A couple of my co-residents are getting on my nerves. I can't even start to write what this one resident did tonight and she's so freaking clueless.  

I need a long vacation from these people. 

I'm annoyed about a lot of things.

House of Cards season 4 finally came out and lo and behold i could barely remember details from prior seasons. So i started over. Frank Underwood is beyond devious. He is evil. God protect us from people like that in our lives.

Downton Abbey season finale was GREAT! I was very sad to see it end. I've been watching Mercy Street, it's pretty good too.

psstttt

Hey people,

I'm alive and eating moi-moi right now. Jonzing for some garri, sugar and groundnuts soaked in ice-cold water........................

Bliss...

Today's yuck

1. The stench of a week old cigarette breath and unwashed mouth
2. Retching sounds and a bowl half full of vomit...
3. Blood splatter on my cheek, beside my mouth and underneath by chin. Thank God for goggles. 
4. Blood on my shoe lace despite my shoe covering

Par for the course.  

Adieu 2015

2015, I'm not mad at you at all. You were good to me and I'm thankful.
I started residency at my number one program.
I sailed through the first 6 months.
I got an awesome apartment.
I have the best coresidents.
My family is healthy.
I came out of med school induced depressed shell
I adjusted well to the lack of diversity in my program and little city
I spent my birthday with the people I love most
I completed drawing 1, painting 1 and painting 2 before residency started.
My family added a medical doctor, a nurse practitioner and another pharmacist all by the grace of God.
Best of all I no longer live in the darkness of depression. I have my days but I'm no longer in that black hole.

Keeping my fingers crossed, hoping and praying that things only get better.

I remain thankful.

JJC

I was randomly thinking of when i first moved here 13 years ago

• I had no clue what a Coin Laundry was. For the longest time, i couldn't figure it out. I was like, is it where they go to to wash coins? But that didn't make sense. I don't remember asking anyone but I sha found out what it meant maybe 2 years after being here. 
• Using the vending machine... I was in school wanting to get a snack but had no idea how. So i watched a couple of people, but wasn't exactly sure what they were doing, but didn't want to ask. Until a black chick came and used it, I figured she would be cool to ask as per her being a sista, for where. She was so snotty about it, gave me this irritated look and dismissively told me what to do. Winch
• Getting soda from the soda fountain in the Cafeteria. Do i just hold the cup under the fountain or do i push something?  Most of it was the fear of making a fool of myself, but again i watched and asked questions. I learned very fast that the best way to go about things was to ask QUESTIONS! I figured i can look like a fool asking you once, but i never have to ask again, so that became my default, asking questions. 
• Getting used to daily homework, quizzes, tests, projects in college, where you are only struggling for 20-25% of your grade in finals, as opposed to the whole grade which just one final exam like in Naija. 
• How open Americans are with their personal lives. I was just like these people talk too much. I still can't get over one of my classmates in an honor class was telling me and our professor (there were only 10 of us in the class and we came early) about her cheating boyfriend and the professor asked if she was sure she didn't get an STI from her boyfriend and she responded by saying thankfully, she never slept with him because he had some scion scion on his penis and she wanted him to get tested. I couldn't in a billion years imagine that conversation happening between a college professor and a student in Naija! Make dem call call you Ashewo or runs girl. 
• College students openly smoking during the day, both males and females, especially the females. I never saw a woman smoking in my life before coming here and the few guys i had seen smoking in naija was usually at night... under the cover of darkness. LOL. So that took a while to get used to. Color me sheltered. 
• Professors wanting us to call them by their first name. I could never do it, never ever. Even till today, there are some doctors who asked to be called by their first names and i go right ahead and continue calling them Dr. XYZ. Naija people and respect, it's how my brain was shaped. 
• Having an accent! Prior to coming here, the people who had accents to me where the deep speaking yoruba, igbo, hausa or calabar people. We had our Benin and Warri accents also. When i tell someone who grew up in Benin that someone was acting like a bini girl, they know exactly what i'm talking about and that includes the accent. Do you guys remember the recent video of a lady talking about how she used her Kpekus to make more. She was pissed and chewing gum in the video? That's a bini geh! LOL. Anyway, I was among the majority of "non accent" having Nigerian until i got here. Shock.com. At the end of the day, we all have accents. Someone should tell some Americans that. 
• The bland tasting fruits and weird tasting chicken. Nothing tasted right. I almost lost my love for meat because of that nonsense. I actually don't like meat as much as i used to in Naija. 
• In the same vein, getting used to eating large amounts of meat. In naija, you get your piece of meat and that's it. It's a wonderful day if you get two. Then i got her and you could eat only chicken for dinner if you to. Steak was the main course, with side dishes. That was so unreal. I can't lie that i didn't love it because i did. I was known for being a meat lover in my family. 
• Learning to make eye contact while speaking to older people. This was one of the hardest ones to get used to. It took me years and years. In Nigeria looking at someone (an older person) while they are talking /lecturing/scolding you is a sign of disrespect. So you have grown wings?!  Americans on the other hand, consider you dishonest and suspicious if you don't make eye contact. It was bad! 
• Walking by an older people, known or unknown and not greeting them or just saying Hi! Unlike Nigerians, Americans don't care if someone they don't know doesn't greet them good morning ma or sir. A real or fake smile will suffice. This haunted me up till med school. There was this older Naija transporter (move patients around) in the hospital, and he got to know i was Nigerian, he saw my name badge and asked me. I saw him pretty regularly, most times while i was with my team. The dilemma became how to greet him, should i say Hi or Good morning Sir. Ha! I tried Hi, smile and nod but only the proper naija greeting felt right. So eventually i gave in and even in front of my team, I would greet him properly. I did get odd looks from some of the residents but i was doing what my conscience and upbringing dictated. LOL. Next time when faced with that situation, I'll just greet properly and not stress myself about Americans looking at me funny. It just didn't feel right greeting an old Naija man, hi! I didn't know him outside the hospital and it most likely wouldn't have mattered, but it's ingrained. 

Mehn those early days were tough. It took me a good 2 years to adjust to being here. I was so homesick for Naija and Nigerians. I remember one day on the elevator surrounded by american classmates who never shut up of course, being so utterly irritated by the spree, spree, spree accent. I wanted to scream! Now the accents don't bother me and i'm "technically" a Nigerian-American, but  I will always be Naija for life! 

IG

Do you follow me on Instagram? Do I know who you are? This question is for people who I know by their blog ID but have a different name on IG. Case in point, my darling Prism was on my IG for a long time before she was nice enough to identify herself. *side eyes to you, Madam* lol. I also found out  someone who I don't think is a blogger has been reading my blog for 5 years.

I want to get to know u guys. Add me, Identify yourself. You can ask, I don't bite in real life :), well 97% of the time.

Time to get ready for work.

P.S. I've had to reject requests from people who don't have any posts or followers. That's just too suspicious for this Nigerian brain. I'm really not looking for followers. Just want to know my peeps.


Jisos! Just re-read this post and the typos were out of this world. I didn't even understand myself. Typos have been fixed.

Dysphoria

I'm in the hospital right now..... Just waiting. Waiting for new patients to arrive. Since this is the ED, it's not a matter of if but when. It has been crazy busy since I got here and I'm only just able to catch my breath. I don't think I'll ever be a fan of working at night.

My mood as been very wonky. Dysphoria is the best way to describe how I mostly feel. It's an uncomfortable feeling. There was a recent editorial in JAMA talking about depression in Residents. It was forwarded to us at our program. That same evening my mom asked me if I had heard about the article and if it was true. I said yes. She said she couldn't understand why residents would be depressed because we just finished medical school and this should be the best time of our lives. In my head, I was just like you are talking to a depressed resident. I just told her that it was very stressful both physically and mentally.

One of the things I've been struggling a lot with lately is feeling like I don't know myself.  I spent the last 4-5 years pretty much isolated socially, first because of how med school is set up with the constant studying, then eventually getting depressed where I was just trying to make it from one day to the next. I literally lost myself. But the sadness and depression and keeping to myself was familiar. I recognized that person. From time to time I would recall being very silly and goofy before med school. Times when i would spontaneously break into dance with my brother. Chatting nonsensical comical shit to friends. Constant baiting of and banter with friends. Those become distant memories of someone I could no longer recognise as myself.

Now that I'm in residency, while I'm not LA LA LA happy, I'm not caught up in the throes of depression. I hang out with friends and surprise surprise I'm often the life of the party. I've gained a reputation in my program for providing comic relief but I say what everyone is thinking but afraid to say or I'm just blunt.

People actually like me and want to hang out with me. Patients love me.....I had a 19 yr old tell me today that I'm the best doctor she's ever had and she wants to keep coming back to the ED just to see me. This is someone who could not wait to leave when she first arrived because she hates hospitals and going to the doctor. In all of these interactions I am myself. But I don't recognize this self. It's a weird feeling, not because I'm an unlikable person and I'm surprised people like me but because I'm not as introverted and uncomfortable around people/preferring my solitude as I used to be.

Part of that is learning to survive in Medicine. You have to be a people person and be comfortable dealing with new people all the time.......


***Ended up not completing the post yesterday because work.....

Lost my train of thought, so I'll just post as is.